I Loved Like I Should and Lived Like I Shouldn't...

 

Yesterday, I received a text message requesting an interview for an incredibly easy (based on my experience) remote position with a large hourly wage and flexible hours. After interviewing; I was offered the position. That gray matter between my ears told me it was too good to be true. My heart begged for it to please, please be real. It was exactly what I needed to stop treading in the deep end of the pool. My red lip glossed lips, and matching attitude said... Of course, this was happening, and of course, they reached out to me... I mean, look at my qualifications. This job was perfect for me! I sang and danced with more energy than ever before! I was on cloud nine as I cleaned my house! I was taken back by my new awareness for the words you speak being put out in the universe to create a life of your choosing. My positivity pep talks were paying off... You are what you speak! 

See... I always thought it was... You are what you eat! I guess this is a prime example of why I ended up on the bright side of the tracks and probably the reasoning there is a need for "participation" trophies! 

Ha! I am just that awesome... right! 

Turns out there is a 99% chance the above job placement and hope I felt... was a sham! 

I should warn you all in advance; that I am in a twisted, condescending mood today. If you took advantage of the free emotional rollercoaster ride I offered the other day; you wouldn't be shocked by my insanely high altitude day, skipping in the clouds following up by a day of being a sad burrito, all bundled up on my couch. I hesitate to share the next scene in this play on my life...The one where I am on my knees; covering my mouth to scream... as loud as I fucking can! Excuse my language, but some moments deserve no censorship! 

Are you there God? It's me, Crystal... AGAIN!

In every room in my house, you will find the word "love" in the form of artwork, wall decor, or accents to tie the theme together. The grand prize to the races I have entered in my lifetime. Always to come in last place. To continually feel like I am unloveable or too much to handle... to question if I am meant to live in a state of solitary. What the "Four Letter F Word" did I do to deserve to live a life that feels this way? I was not a horrible child! My teen rebellious years weren't really that hardcore... and I don't recall ever inflicting pain on others that would deem descriptive words like misery, defeat, and self-loathing for me. The traumatic moments during each stage of my life that no one should have to experience... baffles me! Not just one, or two, or three... way too many, and yet, I am still that girl filled with hope and a belief that "happily ever afters" are still a real thing! A past history of chasing those that were not worthy of my time and attention... all for the sake of having someone to love me. Searching for that one lost soul destined for me. To find the missing piece of beautifully, brilliant insanity that perfectly aligns with mine. The one to calm my chaos and pause my overthinking mind. Someone who returns their love as fierce as I provide. 

My grandmother told me she saved me before I was born. That my mother had scheduled to terminate the pregnancy and her sister signed off pretending to be the mother of my underage mother. When my grandmother found out... she apparently went to the clinic and stopped the appointment. I have no problem stating that I am pro-choice! It's not something I would do, but I believe women should have the right to make the choice. So this is not a slam against my mother for the decision she had made. I also don't know the percent of truth to this little piece of my history... what I do know... is there are very few moments I remember my mother being "motherly" to my brother and me. I think she knew being a young mother is not what she wanted at that point in her life and I think it was very courageous to know that. Having my brother less than a year later... only added to her feelings of missing out on a life of being wild and carefree. Although, my mother and I do not have a relationship at this point in my life... I have moments where I understand why she felt the way she did. She was forced into marriage and to be a young mom to two kids... not the role she wanted to be in. However, it was the role she was in and I wish she realized the impact she had on my brother and me. When you grow up in a non-loving environment. It causes you to seek attention in any form you can get. Let me also clarify... when I say non-loving... my mother didn't abuse us or put us in risky situations... she just wasn't affectionate or willing to give us her attention and time. I sought attention in the form of being "perfect" and my brother in the form of negative behavior. My brother grew up living a hard life based on the consequences of not following the laws and I grew up holding myself to unattainable standards and self-sabotaging actions, feeling unworthy of anything that felt good! 

The moments I recall feeling the best in my life... time spent at the cabin with my grandparents on my Mother's side. The time spent riding horses at my grandparents on my Father's side. Time outside... in nature. That is when my heart and soul thrived! The freckles on the right side of my face formed the shape of a heart. I believed I was special and sent to change the world! I wasn't sure of what... but I knew I had a purpose above what others had defined. 

I like to learn and have a need for understanding. I can't just do something... I must know why and what the end outcome is to be. My mind has to think about every situation and all the paths that could possibly be taken to obtain the end result. Then to add a twist to my need for knowledge... I have to set guidelines and then attempt to exceed them in order to feel a sense of pride for the accomplishment. A day in my mind is exhausting... hence my need to feel my presence in the present; Stillness of my mind! 

I have always felt different yet, I have an essence that draws people in. I am funny! I like being the center of attention when in the right mind... and also like pulling myself back into the darkness when I know I require a reset of me, myself, and I! My need to put thought into everything I do... has caused me to become a very emotional person. However, it's not a side most will ever see. In fact, sharing all my insecurities and negatives I struggle with... as therapeutic as they may be... doesn't feel good to me! I like being viewed as a strong, independent woman who can do everything on her own. I don't want to be viewed as weak or needy! The mentality of not needing anyone ever is deep-rooted and it's not a healthy attribute or in favor of a forward mindset. People have to feel needed and wanted. To not live a life reflective of that... only adds bricks to my walls that most aren't patient enough to take the time to climb. 

I am not dumb and I have lived my life (for the most part) in the right. Following the laws and not taking risky chances in life. I just can't wrap my head around the reasons for the situations I am faced with. I can understand lessons to be learned and the universe presenting moments that require us to grow or see others from a different perspective. The situations that are constantly knocking me down and repeatedly making me fight to breathe... don't make sense to me! What part of all of this am I not getting. Which aspect has me stuck in a groundhog day effect with Alanis Morissette singing "Ironic" in the background on repeat! 

I am fully aware I am one decision away from being locked in a white jacket. I can't keep wishing for what has been deemed as not mine to own. I can't keep setting healthy boundaries just to have others slowly set their problems down and I feel like I have to pick them up and carry them around in order to be a good person. I have to stop taking the hard road in life just to prove I can. If helping others is putting me in a continual bind... then I have to start saying "no"! 

I used to wish there was a magic pill I could take to heal my brain... now, I find myself wishing there was one to eliminate the emotions I build up inside. What a plot twist... the girl who cares too much longs to be dead inside! Sounds like the perfect title to my book coming to life, little by little,  one chapter at a time! 

"Don't take life too seriously, You will never get out of it alive" 

~Elbert Hubbard

The Here & Now... Can You Say Wow

 

When certain life events from your past begin to form and shape into moments in the present state... it's a pretty emotional concept to contain. To unravel it all from your heart and explain it to your brain. You begin to question your sanity for believing all the ways the stars aligned; were mapped out that way just for the two of you. Your date down to the hour and minute was already marked in fate. To watch a full moon rise and move across the night sky. Energized by the constellations, in clear view, glowing in the darkness. My excitement for the closeness of his presence feels unusually calm. Consumed by a moment in its entirety, when I can feel my heart beating out of my chest and yet my pulse remains stable. 

Soaking up the scenery using every one of my senses: My sight capturing an image of perfection. A face, that body, those eyes! A quick glance pulls me in deeper. I find myself unable to look away. A glimpse into his soul; compassionate, kind, selflessly motivated. His sounds are smooth and his words are filled with brilliance. They immediately catch my attention and saturate my mind. Such opposite and yet perfectly aligned thoughts to mine. The humor and wit that is bold, intertwined within. A warm touch that leaves an essence of desire and an invisible traced line down the curve of my lower back; causing goosebumps to rise on my skin. Instantly knocking down walls with my intuition whispering; you can trust him.  The smooth dance moves of our tongues as we breathe in each other's air, suffocating any initial fears, as we drown in our tastes. My heartbeat increased at a rapid pace. Our chest aligned and touching; creating a song with no words, just deep bass. Marking a moment in time where the hands on the clock stopped moving and all outside noise fell still. The rawness. The real. 

nine/twenty-one/twenty-one

***

Tonight, standing outside in the crisp fall breeze, I saw something moving in the distance. Dancing around my flowers. As I walked toward their movement, I realized it was months suckling the bright purple flowers that were still in bloom. In my entire life... I don't believe I have ever sat and watched moths suckling flowers. My flowers! Bees, Butterflies, and other buzzing creatures... but never moths. I was raised in an anti-moth household. The smell of old people in my family was always a fragrance of afternoon coffee, and mothballs. To see the moths moving like hummingbirds, from one bloom to the other... was... beautiful. The mystical creature from the night, appearing out of nowhere, leaving traces of dust along its path. I never considered such to contain any form of beauty. No bright colorings or marks to catch the eye. Drab and bland to the night sky. Yet, there I was... in a trance. Fully present in a moment of stillness and observation, filling up unused areas of my mind, with the formations of dancing moths. 

When I became aware of the significance of the moment, I couldn't help but smile. My presence was completely in the present and I didn't have to think about getting there or what to do once I was. It was a reaction to movement and I let myself be drawn in. I have pushed myself so hard the past few weeks. The emotional turmoil, the silence, the focus of presence in the present. I dusted off my confidence and leveled up with red lipstick. This is what I have been pushing myself for. To live in the now, with a still mind and I did it. Without direction or self-talk to get me there. 

"Way to go, Crystal!"

 I feel so proud! My work is paying off and my energy is being matched. The positives I am fulfilling with all the words I have said. They say that a person who has lived through numerous traumatic events has a harder time maintaining a healthy, happy lifestyle because of all the negatives in their head. That by replacing the negatives with positives, the feeling of being down will lessen. This is the whole principle behind cognitive behavior therapy. To replace memories of trauma with positives. 

This past month, I reached endings with the monsters under my bed. I danced with littles to a new music playlist. I cooked and played games with my Children and Children from other Mothers during Sunday, Family Game Night. I purged some lingering, painful emotions down by the river. I exposed my rawness by writing about that night. I reminded myself to let go laughing. I shared my childrens favorite moments.

So much positivity and good!

Let's not forget the experience of my perfect calendar day, on my first date with my Mr. TDAH. 

The best Nouns are the unexpected ones!

I know regardless, of what next steps began to take shape in my life... I am going to thrive!  There is so much of life for me to live, right here, in the now, in front of me! Overthinking and other non-forward moving thoughts are not a value add to my personal journey. As far as those negatives in my head... look at all the ways the positives are surrounding me! The hairline fractures to my heart are harder to see, as my heart muscles are growing. Just like my stomach muscles from all the laughing! 

If I was able to reach this point in just a month. Can you imagine what you will see from me in another thirty days, and then other after that! Its these moments that are necessary to keep the fight inside of me growing. 

"Whatever is good for your soul, do more of that" 

Home Ownership ~ What a "Blast"

 

After hitting the snooze button on my alarm this morning... like ten times; I was forced to get up with the incoming call from my Mini-me to let me know she was here to drop off her littles. UGH! I feel like I got plenty of sleep last night, but it was the kind of sleep that was deep and cozy and I wasn't ready to let go of it. I have set responsibilities that require my time and attention. I can't just lay in bed all day. Even if it was a day off from watching littles, I still wake up and get things done. I am a busy person... I always have a long list of things I need "ta done".. Mostly, house things! It's been my full-time job for the past (holy crap!) almost two years now! I didn't realize it had already been that long. The two-year anniversary date of the explosion and fire is next month! I guess time does fly when you're having fun! 

There are a ton of descriptive words I could use in regards to my house and fun is not the "F" word that comes to mind! 

Back in 2017; I was handed the keys to my first home on my birthday (8/1 NATIONAL CRYSTAL DAY). One heck of an expensive birthday gift to myself!!! As a single mom, it was a pretty big deal for me to qualify for a home, all on my own. No co-signer needed! Moving into my house wasn't the exciting event it should have been. My grandpa had passed away from cancer, a few weeks prior. I was living with them before moving into my home, so I felt as if I was abandoning my grandma but the purchase had been in play for months. I also didn't have my grandpa to call with any questions regarding home repairs. So an event, that should have been filled with congratulations cards and house plants... was nothing more than another day. 

There were so many red flags with the house. There was the high-speed car chase that ended in my backyard. Let's just say, the "alleged" criminal on the run didn't stop to open the gate. He took my fence out! Then there was an issue with numerous black widow spiders thinking they could reside here with me... Hell to the No... the spiders had to go! These all transpired within the first few months of the kids and I moving in. The pattern continued with event after event. I found myself feeling sad all the time. I assumed it was grief from the loss of my grandpa. Sadness turned into crying and crying turned into sobbing! If I wasn't sobbing, I was sleeping! I was tired... all the time!

November 18, 2019: I was taking a shower to wash the paint off myself before calling it a night. I was painting my house natural colors to prepare to sell it. As I rinsed the shampoo out of my hair, a sound of crunching metal and snapping boards (as if a semi-truck drove through my house) filled the air. I was slammed into the wall of my shower before I could process the sounds I was hearing. My house had an explosion in the back bedroom (referred to as the boom room now). An explosion caused by a natural gas leak. The natural gas was pouring into my house at such a high rate that after the explosion, it caught on fire. My home was burning down! I stood watching in disbelief (freezing my butt off in just a bathroom towel) and yet felt a sense of relief! Everything suddenly clicked... I wasn't depressed! I wasn't going crazy... my children and I were being poisoned by natural gas! O.M.G! 

To add insult to injury; the contractor I hired turned out to be not a great guy! He took half the money and didn't complete the job. Then put a lien on my home until the other half was paid. I fought him for a year before I had to give in. Health issues were developing from the stress of it all. I wouldn't wish shingles on my worst enemy! So, when it was all said and done... a lot of money was issued towards the rebuilding of my home, which was not fully rebuilt! I have no doors... none! No window sills, no baseboard or trim. One bathroom has a working toilet, but no running plumbing to the sink. The other bathroom has a running sink, but not a toilet! I installed all brand new hardwood flooring throughout the entire house that was ruined when the house flooded due to a broken pipe. So now, I am rocking the all-natural, concrete. 

This is where my full-time career as a transitional engineer began. If you didn't catch the sarcasm there... it means I am building bridges and getting over it! All joking aside; you wouldn't believe all the things you can learn from online tutorials. I also am on a first-name basis at the local Hardware store. Such nice folks!

So, when I am not babysitting littles, writing in my blog, building my portfolio, or baking... I am working on the remaining tasks to finish my house. I actually have a binder with a tab for each room. This contains all the measurements necessary for each remaining "ta do". As time has gone by, my skills and knowledge have improved drastically. I am able to write up door measurements that factor in jamb or no jamb; with illustrated pictures of the side of the doorknob and if it should swing in or out. I will require more hours on installation, as I only have one door in my work experience and it requires the use of a hammer to completely close. 

Holy coffee surge Batman... where was I going with all of this?!?!

Oh, yes... my full-time job! So although, my 8-5 or 9-6 doesn't look like yours... it's a job! A job with many responsibilities and a high percentage of on the job accidents. I am such a clumsy person! 

An event that I could never have imagined happening to me has proven to be one heck of an adventure. I have been pushed to the outer limits of madness. I have learned how strong I can be and all the creative ways one can utilize to get by with no regular income stream. If this was a test from the man above... I am certain I passed with flying colors. Now, that I am focused on my passions and pursuing a career in writing full time... I think it's time I put in my notice for resignation. This is not a job I want to have another year pass by in. The tasks seem to be endless and I am tired of the stress of the overwhelming "ta do's" still pending. I want to wake up in the morning and drink my coffee in surroundings that feel more normal. To stare out a window at the beauty of the morning sun. Not the missing trim, baseboard, and flooring. 

It saddens me to think about this place possibly no longer being mine but every internal vibe in my soul is telling me... it's time! 

Time for a new adventure! 

"Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid" ~John Wayne

Say What You Will ...

 

There has been this internal struggle with myself lately. Going back and forth from the type person I want to be and the person I am... which one should take the lead? I have this confidence that wants to be unleashed. To no longer hold myself back. If this is my life, and only mine to own... why shouldn't I let it take control? Why must I water myself down and be afraid of what the world might think of me... I know I am smart! I know I am sexy... so... again, my dearest... what's the problem?

I feel good today... not like happy, happy and blissful... more like rested! A rested body and mind are so much more valuable then one that is tired and weak. I have this attitude today, that is telling me to take life by the horns and do whatever it is that feeds my soul! No second guessing, no insecurities.... be bold! I mean, what is the worst thing that can happen? Be rejected? Feel unworthy of the requested actions? Not like I haven't been there and done that! My energy could also be matched! That sounds more like fun! I don't want to be that girl... the shy, meek thing biting her tongue for the sake of pride. BORING! I don't want to be boring... I want to be loud in a non speaking type of way!

I have been working hard with my self reflection and on my journey to find myself. However, instead of being focused on the future state of me; I am constantly being brought back into the now. The current state of me and how I feel about myself. The fears and insecurities that probably will never resoginate. The thoughts in my head that are only making me feel less than I truly am. At the end of the day, I have to be happy with my actions. I have to fall asleep with a clear mind. If I continue to hold back who I am... its only going to keep me 6 feet under. Waking each day to live in a fog of what I am supposed to be vs. who I am! I know I am not crazy! I know I am not insane... I am just a girl seeking the best version of herself. Maybe, the girl I am today... isn't so bad! Maybe, just maybe, I would find others seek what I have to offer. Instead of being a plan B or on reserve due to my capabilities that I am forcing back. 

When I walk out my door today, into the real world... I know there will be people and situations that are going to try and knock me off my high horse. They are going to try and spew their filth and lack of confidence towards me. I am not going to let them get to me. I am not going to be anything other than what I am feeling right now. I cant help what others feel and see when I am present. I can only control how I feel and what I see in my own mirror. Today, my reflection is amazing. It's a good hair day, I guess you could say! My presence shall speak for itself! 

It's Sunday... Family Night! I so look forward to these days when I get to have all my Peeps (including those from other Mothers) here surrounding me. The laughter, the bantering, the joy and love they fill the house with. When they leave at the end of the night... I feel less alone. I feel like life is going at the speed it should and I need to stop hiding away from it all. I don't know what event or moment was the driving force of telling myself I need to stop being who I am... but it can kiss my ass! Excuse my language... I am just exhausted with this entire process and feeling like I have to change so many things about myself in order to be able to breathe. I might be perfectly, imperfect... .just as I am!

My nickname used to be Rockstar. Not because I could sing... but because of the attire I wore and the attitude I let the world see. I didn't care what others thought about me. I knew I had a tough story most wouldn't believe and it was my time to shine. My time to own and the only person I truly cared the thoughts that were felt... were mine! What a great way to live. Not to say, there wont be bad days, or moments that take my breath away... but the days that are good, the moments that do brighten my soul... they are the moments I should be clinging to. Dont let go of that rockstar attitude I have been keeping down in the basement. Let her out! Let her breathe... 

I am Crystal Rae... I have owned so many titles, so many names... but the one that means the most to me is just that ... Crystal Rae! No last name and I haven't found the one that is mine to own yet. I don't want the ones from the past as they arent mine to own or keep. So, I will be patient until life puts that question in front of me. Then I will decide if its right for me or not... not if I am right for them! 

Insane, how just a night of good sleep can change the entire way I feel and think. A reminder again about the whole healthy me lifestyle. The healthier I feel... the more my confidence is back! 

You may or may not like me... what matters at the end of the day is how much I like myself...

Today, I am on fire and I have no intentions of putting any aspect of it out! 

"Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can wear" ~Boudoir International

Winner, Winner... Chicken Dinner

 

When you live and breathe a constant state of self-reflection and are continually, mentally mapping out the next destination in your journey... moments develop that seems to be lost in time. I found myself breaking out some pretty, insanely, horrible dance moves in my kitchen this morning. The more I danced, the sillier I felt which resulted in laughter! I found myself laughing at myself! How does that famous quote go... "Laughter is truly the best medicine"? I can't argue that! It's in those moments when I realize I am genuinely rocking my belly muscles, that I feel carefree. There aren't a million things circling around in my head. I am not questioning everything about myself or what I want to be when I grow up. I am still, present in that moment and loving every minute of it! 

If you were given the opportunity to glimpse into your future... would you? I find myself thinking about where I am going to land after I sell my home in the next few months. With no strings attached at this point in my life. Would moving away from this town be a good idea for me? Don't get me wrong... the idea of being in a different town than my Peeps and Littles; isn't a feel-good for me but so much in this town isn't either. I want to live in the land of happy, happy! I want to experience things I didn't have the chance to with being a young, single Mom. I also have a deep desire to see my creative writing in "kind of a big deal" type of magazine. Without a college education... I won't have as many opportunities as other states could provide. 

I know happiness is a state of mind. I know it has to come from within me... but I truly think the environment is a huge part of it all, as well! If I walk out my front door and I felt sunshine and could see water on the horizon... happiness would be glowing from me! Yet, another part of me thinks staying to be near those that add value and joy to my heart and soul... is just as great of a choice! Hence, the longing to see a glimpse of the future state of me. I am tired of being the one to make all the decisions. I am depleted of the energy necessary to keep battling the daily fights associated with homeownership and adulting. My Mini-Me is trying her darndest to bring out the badass in me. "Mom, you need to start reminding yourself who you are and level up"!

Ok... ok, I get it!

I am not a stupid person. I know there isn't a Knight on a white horse in route to save me... and let's be honest, even if there was... I would consider his intentions, a slap in the face, to my independence and would not be seen riding off into the sunset with him. I am a hopeless romantic. I am a huge fan of love stories and happily ever afters. The emotion I feel inside surrounding the idea of having something of the sort in my life... makes me want to cry! The full moon has passed, so I am not sure what all of these blubberings are still pouring out from. I wish I had the answers to all of these "why's". Maybe, it's the sense of losing control of major elements in my life that are spiraling me into a tornado of tears. Whatever trigger is causing all of this... I wish it would STOP!

I am not sad, nor am I depressed. In-between my water work sessions... I am walking down by the river; watching Meso run and smell everything in her path. I am singing, dancing, and painting sea creatures on the baby shark wall. I am writing out all of my "ta do's" on the whiteboard for the week. I am busy... and yet, I feel like I am standing still! This part of my journey, where I am spending quite a bit of time by myself... has its days where it weighs on me. It's not like I made a conscious effort to ensure I am getting all this quality 1:1 time. There isn't anyone I could call or ask to spend time with me. Everyone either has obligations that prevent them from getting away, or they are making a choice to do things, that does not include me. I am doing my best to remove the feeling from my questions and to just focus on the facts.... but that is such a hard thing to do. Especially, when I am already tormenting myself with all of these mini emotional meltdowns. 

I wish I could hit the fast-forward button in the current state of my life. To the part where I finally benefit from all the hard work and lessons learned from the times I struggled. My name on my first published book. A home that provides safety and security to calm my fears. The Man of my dreams; building a healthy, happy future with me. I know at some point, all my desires and passions are going to provide a win for me... I am just impatient with the timing it's taking to get there. Again, I know everything will happen just as it's meant to be when it's meant to be... and when it does, I will be ready for all of it! 

"Two things define us. Our patience when we have nothing and our attitude when we have everything" ~unknown

We Ride Together, We (Almost) Die Together

 

Well, that was an interesting surge from the full "harvest" moon. As I stated before, a full moon in its beginning phases always has been felt in an emotional sense for me. I turn into such a cry baby... and yet, there are always lessons learned about myself and takeaways for further personal growth that make it all ok! I will admit, I am exhausted and want to write something today that is in a positive light. I am still on track with my journey and my self-reflection but everyone needs a break, every now and then...

Give me a break... give me a break... break me off a piece of that... 

I sent my Peeps an early morning message asking them what their favorite memory was with me. Surprisingly, my girls responded fairly quickly! They are used to these types of random questions and topic items from me, so typically, they push me aside a few hours, a day, or a week or two... haha! Not today... both of them were on top of providing the moments they could recall as their personal favorites! It was an instant smile for me and a trip down memory lane that was filled with laughter, love, and maybe even a little bliss! My most recent trips into the past have been extremely difficult. The text message to "just breathe" was a necessary reminder for me (Thank you to My. Mr. TDAH)! I am not going back down that road today or hopefully anytime soon. Instead, I am going to share those favorite moments. Maybe, this will provide additional insight into the person I was, I am, and who I am working so hard to be. 

Here are the fan favorites from each of my Peeps... written from my perspective. 

My Oldest: Brianna Rae (Llama Mama) picked this as one of her personal favorites:

Back in September of 2010. I was not one to adventure far, on my own, especially with the kids in tow. I got a hankering for a road trip to Red Lodge. We all piled in my Buick (old lady car) and headed towards the interstate. Once we got to Red Lodge; I stopped by the river so we could stretch our legs and get some awesome pictures with the fall colors in the background. They LOVE my need for pictures. Jonathan decided he was going to monkey around down by the river. I told him the water was cold and to be careful. Before I could finish my sentence... splash! The girls and I laughed as his teeth were chattering, as he climbed back up to the car. We did not pack extra clothing... so we had to dig in the trunk of the car to see what we could find. It was like Christmas back there. A pair of flip-flops, a pair of the girl's socks, and sweat pants that were to go to goodwill like five years prior... were his only options. As he was getting dressed into his embarrassing attire... Brianna came running full force towards the car and suddenly slammed into the hood. She rolled off the hood and onto the ground. We all laughed as we had no idea what just happened but it was dang funny. Brianna screamed out "I was hit and run over by a parked car!" All of them laughing and acting silly made us hungry, so we headed to the Red Lodge Cafe for some good grub. Jonathan was not impressed with the idea of having to be seen in public in his too small of clothes. Which made the situation so much funnier! The comedy continued on through lunch. From this trip, we began our tradition of getting each a bag of candy from the Imporium and picking out their silkscreening designs to be applied to a sweatshirt of their choosing. I believe they still have some of the sweatshirts from over the years.  I still have the blurred picture from that trip somewhere in my email files! 

My Middle Child; Haley Mae (My Mini-Me) Picked this as one of her favorites:

Haley loved to play dance games on the Wii. That girl has some rhythm and can keep up to the beats. I of course was always up for the challenge of attempting to beat her at these silly dance games. I had no rhythm and barely could keep up. On rare occasions, Brianna, or Jonathan would join in. I don't know how many times we all danced to "This Is Halloween". Every time I hear that song, I think of all of us dancing in a circle, role-playing our favorite characters. The majority of the time... it was just Haley and I... dancing our hearts out! This one dance was to the song "Girlfriend" in which, at one point you were to face each other and swing at each other as if you are in a fight. I, of course, got offbeat and was swinging out of sync when smack... Haley caught me right on the chin. We laughed so hard at my missed dance steps and the smack heard around the world! Let me tell you... You only mess up that dance move once! Haha... and of course Haley won... again!

My Youngest Child; Jonathan Michael (Money Murdock) hasn't responded yet... so I will share one of my favorite moments with him. There were many to choose from... 

One night, as I was about to drift off to sleep... the highest-pitched screeching sound I have ever heard before, caused me to jump up and out of bed! I ran for the kitchen, just as Jonathan was quickly coming out of his room, to also, find out what the sounds were. Just as he flipped on the dining room light... his cat; Baby, had something in her mouth. As I screamed at the cat to drop whatever was in her mouth... a baby bunny leaped across the kitchen floor! In slow motion... our dog bolted towards the baby bunny. Jonathan let out the highest pitched yell I have ever heard... thinking it was a mouse running towards him. He jumped up on the island countertop in one quick stride. I dove towards the floor and barely grabbed the injured baby bunny before the cat and dog could gobble her up! I still laugh to this day about the timing of it all. Jonathan screaming and jumping onto the counter. Me diving onto the floor to grab the tiny bunny before two hungry mouths got to her. It was insane and yet dang funny!

And... Jonathan made his submission prior to the deadline... so I guess he gets two stories. As the baby boy of the family... his sisters are not going to be surprised by this... 

Jonathan states his favorite moment is "definitely you Vin Diesling the corner at the cabin with Tyler" 

It was a beautiful spring day and I had fishin' fever! Jonathan and one of his besties, Tyler, (my son from another mother) made the decision to head up to East Rosebud and try out our fishing hole to see if we could land any trout on our new crankbait. Jonathan was in the beginning stages of learning to drive and needed to log hours to pass his Driving Ed class. This meant, there was a need for him to take the wheel and drive the backroad for practice, anytime we could. He followed all the safety guidelines, laws of the land, and was very cautious about his speed on the winding dirt road with lots of washboards. We eventually made it to our favorite spot to fish. Jonathan and Tyler were less serious about all of it and spent most of the time playing in the dirt or whatever boys do... When it was time to head back home. I drove as we were behind on time and running late. Shocker eh? As I sped up and began to turn into the hillside; washboards were still present as before... and the turn was at its highest point (perfect timing for when you don't want something to go wrong while being the responsible driving parent). I began talking smack about Jonathan's slow driving. No sooner than I could get another jab in towards his responsible, safe, driving... The car hit a washboard and I lost control of the car. Knowing we were at the highest point of going over the edge and speeding... I cranked the wheel hard to the left and then to the right... until the car slammed into the side of the hill. Perfect 360... with enough force to have left grass blades in between the tire and the rim. My dash light lit up the "check tire pressure" symbol before I could even check the damage. My heart was racing... I couldn't believe I actually pulled off us not going over the edge or sustaining any serious damage to us or the car. When I looked into my rearview mirror (now I am laughing hysterically) Jonathan; who was getting ready to drink from his newly opened bottle of water, prior to my stunt... had squeezed the bottle so hard... all of the water was sprayed across the back window, Tyler's face, and his glasses... my laughter cannot be contained at this point! In his most annoyed tone of voice he yelled "Mom you are so stupid, why are you so stupid"? As you can imagine... that did not stop the laughing! I quickly, but more cautiously, proceeded to the nearest gas station to check my tire pressure and give it a tad more air! You know, just in case (One can never be too safe)!

It's so easy to focus on the moments that are surrounded by negativity. If you are anything like me; you tend to only recall the events that are fueled by guilt, shame, and other non-forward-moving feelings. How often do we take the time to revisit moments of happiness, laughter, love... and then compare notes with our loved ones to see which ones meant the most or possibly were forgotten. 

I am beyond grateful for those in my circle. The Nouns that are patient, kind, encouraging, and understanding to the steps I have taken in an attempt to catch up on everything I spent years isolating myself away from. This time, there are no bandaids to cover up my wounds or skin concealer to cover up my scars. I am not ashamed to be me... What you get is what you see... Well, kind of... except for days prior to a full moon, or mid-month, or when I am hungry or feeling overwhelmed .... haha... 

I am truly not that extreme,

I am far more simple than I colorfully describe myself to be!

"Seek to do good, and you will find that happiness will run after you" 

~ James Freeman 

Wrong or Right... It Was Just A Bad Night!

 

In the darkest hours of the early morning; I woke in a panic, covered in sweat and the complete opposite of the position I fell asleep in. It happened again... that night... the first punch... replaying in my head! They say God only gives us what we can handle. I think if that is truly the case, then that would explain the reasoning I can't remember anything past the first punch to my face. Waking up on a bathroom floor of a bar. My blood spattered on the wall and my clothing had been forcibly removed. What kind of evil must a person harvest to do something so cruel? 

I despise this dream... this nightmare! I can only chalk the recent revisit of this to the reflection and writings I have been sharing. Opening a vault in my subconscious that shouldn't be. There was a reason I stopped trying to remember and live in peace in the unknowing. The sense of fear swallows me the minute I begin to try and breathe. God, please, please.... don't let this consume me today! I have made such huge strides to truly begin living my life. I feel happy! I have worked so hard to prevent fear from continuing to control me! I just want to get myself right... without having to put up such a fight! 

As I lay in my bed, trying to get ahold of my emotions and fall back to sleep... I couldn't help but think about the current state of my life. The void in my bed that once provided a sense of comfort and security with the person who used to lay next to me. I know I can't rush life but I have moments I long to once again be someone's wife. Someone who feels lucky for me to take on their name. Someone who understands how amazing I am with all of my nurturing qualities. Then I remind myself... it's not about my timing... it's about when it's meant to be. I still have so many aspects I am learning about myself. I am still learning to enjoy spending time by myself. I have only recently begun to date myself. To fully understand and appreciate the qualities that currently define me. 

That night... doesn't define me. It changed me. No question there... but only I can decide in what aspect. If I continue to fight to live and give into my fears... it only puts me back into a hostage situation, hiding in my bathroom, for what? Another three years? Hell No! I refuse to go back to being that girl! I refuse to give life back to that night or that sad, excuse of a human. I can't even recall his name anymore. So that is a win for me! I swore I wouldn't give him that pleasure of hearing his name from my mouth! Low life, scum of the earth, POS... seems more appropriate anyway! 

So today, I am feeling agitated. I am fighting emotions of anger and a desire to crawl into a ball and cry! This full moon is really getting to me! Cheesus... the tears I have cried all in the context of feeling uncomfortable and wanting to get to the better side of all of this, without so much leg work. Wanting some sort of break... reprieve! I know I don't like being told what to do or taking the easy road. Any form of a challenge excites me. Lights a fire inside me that pushes me to be more than I seem! Buuut... I am beyond words tired! Not the kind that requires sleep! I am experiencing emotions that want to keep me standing still vs. forward movement. I want to self-sabotage because living in a state of comfort is so much easier than continuing to push myself into constant discomfort! I don't think anyone truly understands how much I have changed in thirty days! Not that I am looking for recognition. Maybe just providing an awareness so you can understand why my mind and body are so dang drained. 

The artist formerly known as me... was crippled by anxiety and fear in every aspect of my life. I couldn't do anything without feeling panic, insecurities, and questioning every step to get me there. Most of the time, I would cancel or bail. It was just easier than pushing myself through the maze in my head. Going anywhere became my own personal hell! 

In order to make it through a day... here are the rules I had to follow:

• My outfit had to be preplanned from the night before. I mentally had to know what I was wearing from head to toe. If something wasn't there or didn't fit right as I thought it would... it would ruin my entire day. To the point, I wouldn't get out of bed. My day was ruined... seriously!
• Going anywhere outside of the house required me to download the address on maps. If I had an appointment in a location I had never been to before. I would drive to it the day before. So I could see parking options, and not feel stupid trying to find the place minutes before I was supposed to be there.  
• Prior to going to said appointment, I would have to question every aspect of any details. Parking, what type of clothing to wear, what documentation would I need, what challenges would be presented to me... Then I would have to sometimes call and request everything again because something in my mind didn't feel fully at peace. If I reached a point of being unable to settle the questions in my mind... I would cancel or ditch the appointment. 
• Making plans meant being told with as short of notice as possible, knowing I would attempt to cancel, question everything, or make my body physically ill with all the possibilities that were outside of my control. 

Now, I am feeling confident and do not need a mental image of what I wearing. I shower and put on what I want to without second-guessing. I am driving to locations I have been to before without using maps. I also am at a point where it's not causing a panic attack to do so. I am heading out to appointments and set plans; just as stated to be. I am forcing myself to not think about... just go to where I am supposed to be and let life happen. I have family game nights again, I have one handsome little guy's first birthday party planned... at my house. Plans are also being laid out for the upcoming holidays. The ghost of Crystal's past... favorites! Finally, feeling good enough to say I like something out loud without fear of reality messing it up for me. Knowing without a doubt that I am destined for a good, happy life... without distractions from past insecurities. I am good enough to live in a current state without the need for control or letting any form of stupidy, send me running back home! 

Life isn't meant to feel so hard! I shouldn't feel so pushed to get me to a state of living freely... outside of that stupid gray matter between my ears that fills me up with so many lies. I am enjoying the kinder version of me. The one who is forgiving to myself and is a huge fan of seeing me successful in any aspect I want to be!

If that evilness only had to be held to 5 years behind bars (bless his heart for good behavior) then why should I keep myself a prisoner for life? I think we can all agree.. what he did wasn't right. In fact, excuse my language... it was fucked up on every level! However, he only wins if I continue to be a hostage to my mind! I didn't deserve it... but it's a part of my past I own. It's the night frights in the middle of the night...it's the daily struggles to act normal and keep moving forward... despite everything that wants to keep me held down and back from living in a state of healthy, right-minded... unscathed by the negativity that feeds on these fear and insecurities. 

I am not a fan of all of this once again coming to light. I do not like exposing the rawness of this night and what it did to my life. I do not like admitting how badly it broke me and the state of me that will never be recovered again! 

So today, I will stay busy! I will clean, bake, and stay above these emotions. I will keep telling myself all day how amazing I am and how I deserve nothing but the best Nouns in life. I will focus on the articles for submission into the next stage of my freelance writing career. I will focus on myself and how badass I am for not only surviving but for breaking the chains that continually try and keep me down. Maybe, the smile on my face isn't 100% real today... but it's there and it's a reminder that in due time... I will find myself exactly where I was meant to be... at the right time, in the right place! 

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but building on the new" ~Socrates

Free Emotional Roller Coaster Rides

 

I woke up with a sense of peace in my heart and head. Typical me, myself and I moment! I said I am an emotional person; I wasn't kidding! I get these lows followed by highs. I have often wondered what life would look like for me if I lived in more of the gray area. Honestly, I think I would be less cool! Part of this journey has forced me to not only think about everything I want to be... but what I currently am. I know I could change all of my emotions, feelings, high anxiety, etc. with medication. Trust me... I have been there and done that. This pill would make me sleepy, this pill would make me hungry, this one made me drool. Not a good look for me! I like having control of my body and mind. I realize that is completely opposite of how I explained my emotions come and go... This is where I am educating myself on myself. I am learning my emotional triggers. I am recognizing how my body changes before an emotional outpour! How I start to feel feverish before an anxiety attack. No, not like requires medical attention. To me that means I feel a rush of panic, fear, and a desire to be isolated from the moment. Sometimes even the people who are present. 

Last night, I took the opportunity to put on my Halloween outfit; Little Red Riding Hood! EPIC! I spiced it up a bit by adding thigh high fish net stockings and lots of gold glitter. 

**WARNING TO MY PEEPS** You might not want to see the mental visual I am about to roll out... so maybe skip to the next paragraph. LYF's!

I am a sensual person. I like adding layers (more like removing them) to reflect my newly restored confidence and how sexually healthy I am feeling. In the past, intimacy has been in the negative spectrum of adding to my feel goods. So now that I am off the charts feeling like a goddess and experiencing chemistry on levels I didn't know was possible... I felt the need to share with My Mr. TDAH. A few quick videos of me dancing, as I envisioned, Little Red Stripper would! The sense of trust, security, and safety I feel with him is beyond words amazing! I feel amazing! 

There is a trend I am noticing... the more I focus on doing healthy things for me... the less outside noise there is with my self reflecting. If I am feeling good physically... the less of a bad day I will have. My thoughts, emotions and actions are all in the spectrum of positivity! If I am getting out of the shower and I am singing and thinking of what to wear without feeling insecurities... game changer! The entire tone from that point on are on a high note. When a moment begins to take hold and I feel emotions that are comforting... I know I have to stop and change my thoughts, redirect my focus. I can still be an emotional person, its just requires having the knowledge of what that truly means. What is an ok reaction and when is ok for it to happen. It means having a ton of conversations with the nouns in my life to keep reminding them; I wear my heart on my sleeve and overthink everything. My mini-me has become a pro with code red crystal moments. She knows when to shut me down and give me a reality check on my thoughts (while reminding me how many times she has been right about my thoughts in the past) or knows when to let me vent (SIMBA). She has saved me more days than she knows. To Neptune and beyond! I can hear her now... "That's not how it goes, Crystal!" 

This afternoon, I found myself eating Lucky Cuss take out sitting down by the river. Meso's favorite spot. The happiness I feel every time I unhook her seatbelt (what I call her leash) and she starts to run for the water, pausing to look back to confirm she is being a good girl... I swear I can see her smiling! Please don't judge me... Meso is my midlife crisis child. Yes she is a dog... but I spoil her like a child. I have moments where I even question my own sanity... but I love the crap out of her! MESO CUTE! 

I sat eating, looking at the fall scenery... watching Meso run... I realized maybe I am doing all of this way too hard! If I am self reflecting or working on me, myself and I... constantly... when are the moments of just breathing? I know this past month has been a life changer for me. The way I feel about myself, the Nouns in my life, etc. Its completely opposite of the life I had. I find myself singing, dancing, laughing more than I ever have before! I am not afraid to walk out my front door! I am driving to a top secret location and not using maps. My high anxiety would never have let me go anywhere without an app telling me directions, just to ensure I don't miss my destination. Not a bad idea, considering I did miss my initial turn once. I laughed at my sense of direction and the world kept turning. There was no punishment for me missing a turn! I still can't believe how hard I have been on me! I am feeling adventurous by not using a map app to get to locations I have already been to. Look at me gone wild!

This isn't a game I am playing with an ending of life or death... oh wait! Yes, it is! None of us make it out of this thing called life alive. I have a goal of ensuring the person I am at the end of all of this... made me proud! I have this craving to do something that is a life changing for others. To add positivity to negativity! To be the light in the dark! To be the love in a place of hate! Cheesy... maybe, but it's really something that aches inside of me! How can I be all of that... if I don't feel I am worthy of being such a person. That is what I am working on to change. To redirect. To focus. 

I can't stand pain or suffering. It's something I will try to intervene and change if I can. So, why I have I tolerated inflecting myself with such emotions? Why can't I be happy and live at the same time? Why do I like to ask myself so many questions?? 

I guess what I am saying is... I have got to focus on healthy within all the aspects of my life. It makes all of this self reflecting easier on me. I also need to know when to shut down the gray matter between my ears and just breath. Not every minute of every day needs to be consumed by the rebuilding of me. To be aware of my surrounding and taking it all in... is just as much of a win! Focus on the things I am doing and saying to myself... to make sure they align with the future state I want to be in. 

If I have been able to convey one thing from all of this... I hope it has been the importance of loving yourself! To take the moments you can to find yourself again! The little girl in me... still makes cookies just to eat the batter! I have to dance in the rain or hop into large puddles! Say please and thank you! Eat cereal for dinner (I do this one a lot)! Count one, one thousand... two, two thousand to determine how many miles away the lightening struck from the thunder sound!

You don't have to go far to find the moments that fill your soul... if you start paying attention. Being aware of your present with your presence. You don't have to rebuild yourself to experience a life worth living. You don't have to walk 3000 plus steps to find happy! You just have to open your eyes... and if you are anything like me... stop trying to force things to how you want them to be. What is meant to be will always find a way and LOVE above all things!

"The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty, has wasted thirty years of his life'" ~Muhammad Ali

  

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

 

I swear the more I write; the more I pour my heart into this journey... the more I find myself working my way back to the dark side. Slowly falling back into a pattern of past behaviors...

 "WTF... CRYSTAL?"

I have gone out of my way to understand the key to happiness. The recommended daily tasks to complete to achieve the golden "H" award! I pushed Me, Myself and I; through hours upon hours of mentally revisiting each impact that caused a hairline fracture to my heart. Focusing my attention, once again... on the girl, I used to be! 

When I think about young me... immediately, I see myself with brown freckles all over my nose and cheeks! Long brown hair (to be pulled to the front side, during school pictures). A total of 4 feet tall...    Total Nerd! I was continually getting in trouble for staying up past bedtime to read. Busted with a flashlight and book, hiding under my bedspread. I loved to read! Still do... Pending a much-needed eye exam, followed by my "vain butt" getting glasses! UGH... I better look hot! 

My younger version of me was so naive to the possibility of things in life actually going really wrong. I certainly didn't have an awareness for the things we say and do; determining the type of life we end up living. I recall at one of my therapy sessions... I expressed my feelings of anger, my lost sense of safety, and how hard I was trying to find the reason as to why it happened! Everything happens for a reason... right? My awesome, counselor said something after, that I will never forget... 

"I don't believe everything happens for a reason. I believe we have to find a reason for everything that happens." 

I can honestly say, there are a few moments... I have yet to find a reason! To add insult to injury; Mrs. Awesome calls it ... Complex, Disassociative, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Um...Isn't that what happens to soldiers in war? I was so confused and yet relieved that I had something I could better understand. The changes to my brain. The anxiety from my "flight or fight" constantly set on. I no longer felt safe... going anywhere. The more I educated myself on what it all meant... I had to understand what it also would mean for the relationships with my family and friends. I became overly sensitive to if what I was feeling and thinking was valid or did my brain wires cross again?

BATTY RAP
Yo, the name is Batty, the logic is erratic
Potato in a jacket, toys in the attic
I rock and I ramble, my brain is scrambled.

Thank you to Mr. Robin Williams for the voice and attitude of Batty (Fern Gully - The Last Rainforest)

Come on... That was funny! Dang good flick too! 

So, it's true... I am no longer the girl I used to be. Nor is there any hope of ever getting all her pieces back! I have focused so hard on the list of pros and cons to ensure this time; I put myself back together right! 

**Hold Please** (Is there a full moon on the horizon? I have cried and cried and yes, cried!)

When you take the words of those that meant the world to me, at that certain point in time, and shake them out of my head; Remove all the toxic, negativity that constantly lies to make me believe I am less than I am and you know what you will find?!?

One real, honest, hardworking, passionate, sensual, compassionate, kind, loving, loyal, and funny af person! I know the meaning of integrity and having genuine core values. Things that can't be taught. They are just who you are!

I am exhausted... this journey and my need for speed (with the entire self-reflection process) have me on the edge of sobbing ... again! No real reason; other than, this has been energizing, and yet has been uncomfortable! I know who I am and what I want to see change within myself. I also see what I want to dust off and stop silencing about me! 

"I've waited my whole life to see my name in lights" ~Carrie Underwood (Champion)

I am a champion and all of you better keep close tabs on me... when I get all of myself figured out... You will see my name in lights, and not just on the funhouse at the fair or local watering hole! 

.

I HEART The Current State Of Me

 

As promised... the Details! 

***This one will be lengthy... It's a personal purge event! A serious cleanse of the emotional state of my mind. my heart. what keeps my soul drowning without air. Most of this has never been shared as it has been embarrassing, sad, TOXIC, and a very weakened reflection of who I was truly meant to be***

After a morning of singing and dancing and feeling amazing (through and through)... I decided it was time for a much overdue PURGE! A name I have given to the process of emotionally, getting my ass back on track, with everything I am trying to do. To rewind, reset and focus! Since I am not one to be non-responsive for a lengthy period of a day. I called my mini-me to let her know I needed a purge. I would be down by the river... to get non-forward motion thinking off my brain! Sounds insane.. right?!?! 

In the past, this purging process was usually unplanned. However, in thinking back... I now recognize the feelings that triggered a hot mess, train wreck. Although, I was feeling amazing... I knew there were lingering thoughts I needed to release and do it in a manner that clears it away for good. No more bandaids in my current state of living this thing called life. If I am truly going to be successful I have to maintain my focus and drive on what matters most. The clutter in my mind is extensive and I am exhausted from carrying it all these years. Revisiting the moments that caused hairline fractures to my heart will only keep me standing still. There are moments that require a fight. That deserves to stay in the front of my mind, as they are what is pushing me to stay on the right path and release myself from the extreme expectations I previously set. The things that only set me, myself, and I up for failure. 

Today, there would be no hot mess or a train wreck. This purge was going to be used as a tool and not as an excuse to get effed up and escape what I didn't want to deal with. I know what I needed and wanted from the experience. I have worked hard to be where I am currently at physically and mentally. There would be no negatives that would impact my children or my safety. I have locked in my mind any actions of mine, that in the past, would cause an epic event of drama in everyone's lives around me or Billings finest that were on shift that evening. Not a bright spot in my former self's life and not where I will ever find myself again! *pinky promised*

So, I grabbed $7.00 worth of mini shots, smokes, granola bars, water for Meso and Me... and headed to our spot down by the river. Not a long walk, but an area where Meso could run leash-free and I could begin the process of purging without public spectators. I honestly, wasn't certain how this would play out under the conditions of my new mindset and newly established love for myself. Previous purges were kicked off based on feelings of self-loathing. So, how would I clear my head and heart if I didn't feel negativity?

I brought my scratchpad, markers, and paint. In my newly shaped life... I am doing what I feel in moments of spontaneous creativity. No more feeling insecure, or stupid for the creations I whip out. If it's how I release emotion and get myself out of an episode of overthinking... color, write and paint away! That's what I say (or will as of now because that is a dang catchy line)

Q: Who are those to judge me anyway?!?

A: Stupid people 

and we all know they suck...so... moving on...

As I sat staring at the beautiful fall colors in the trees and Meso running all over the rocky beach and nearby flowing river... I felt this overwhelming sense of being fully present at the moment. Not deep in thought on those that have previously hurt me or trying to solve every meaning behind the reason of specific traumatic events that changed me. I knew there were these emotions building inside of me that I had to get off my chest. I can't keep letting them build until they begin to consume me. Looking back I believe this was just another way I self-sabotaged any happy, happy inside me. Still telling myself I wasn't worthy of these feelings or moments that added happiness. Still, it takes me a few healthy chats with that stubborn gray matter between my ears, before I am able to be present with the presence, or is that my presence is in the present? Regardless, I have to remind myself that what I am experiencing and feeling with my current state... is good, it's right... and I DESERVE IT! (I actually made that a much more colorful statement in the real now)... But Dang Right!

I have lived in a state of mind, that was so wrong for me. I told myself daily lies that only helped to further drive my self-worth deep into the land of loss. I walked, talked, and danced, in my own little world of LOSS. The loss of my marriage, my career, my sense of safety. The LOSS of one of the greatest men in my life. Not one of... The ONE! 

Is there such a thing as a Grandpa's Girl? If there was ever a person that deserved an award for patience and unconditional love... it would go to him! My Grandpa Obo (the young me's way of writing Bob). This one still consumes me...Everything I learned on how you treat others, respect, your word was your handshake...was from him. So there is a reminder or incident that makes me question what he would have said to me about it... or how it would have said it; a lot! Everything that came out of his mouth was colorful. Not in a bad word kind of way. Like a rhyming, unexpected describing words, or hand clapping to the punch line! Yeah... he was that freaking cool! So four years later... this is still a really heavy-hitting punch to the gut and heart for me! F _ _ K CANCER!!!!

The 'Land of Loss' became my home. A state of mind, I took with me where ever I roamed. Surrounded in a dust cloud of "I hate who I am and my life"! This is where I get to pat myself on the back for the strides I have taken to stop talking down to Me, Myself, and I. I had to completely reprogram my way of thinking. When a moment, on any end of the spectrum, would happen; my first initial thoughts were always surrounded by darkness. I have been learning and openly recognizing, the words we use put certain elements into the universe. For freaking real! You shape your entire life based on how and what you say, and the way you think. Your definition is defined by you, you and you! How scary and yet how awesome! Once you have awareness... you notice positivity and negativity associated with the things you say and think about current, real in the now, situations. I initially felt as if I had a streak of good luck until it became fewer events and more continued days, I couldn't help but to stop and take notice! My Goals: Happy and Living.. were happening! Just as I had stated it to be!

Squirrel... Back to the river scene and internal purge process that was on the horizon. 

I turned on my Bluetooth speaker to its loudest volume setting and began to play "River by Bishop Briggs". It's currently one of my top favorite songs, along with "I Feel Like I'm Drowning by Two Feet". If you have no clue who these artists are... then get googling. So worth it and who doesn't like good brain massaging? Awareness... please notice the artist's name is Bishop! A name previously a major negative for past me, is a positive for me in the real now! I freaking told you it was real!

One, Two, Three... mini's down. This always is an instant push of emotional release for me. I have become great at only craving to socially drinking... but know if I ever need to get some lingering doubts or negativity out into the open for me to deal with... mini's do it every time (when drank in quantity over a short period of time). 

Four, Five, Six... Seven mini's down. It's been a while since I have gone this extreme, so I had an idea of where this was going to land me. Facedown on a beach of rocks (with a ton of spiders) and an excited Meso roaming free at full speed! Cheesus Crystal... is this really a good idea?

Feeling numb; inside and out... I lit a smoke and pulled out a bottle of water, markers, and paper. Instead of stating words in the universe that only invite badness into my life... I decided any painful moments I focused on permanently releasing... I would... COLOR, WRITE OR PAINT AWAY! 

The first word for focus was an easy kickstart; the person who I should be naming as "mom". After an unexpected meeting, over a year in the making... there wasn't much I had to say. Letting go is a much easier process when they let go of you years prior. There was no need to decide on what a healthy relationship consisted of in a future state, of my mind. I put a ton of energy into disappearing from a select few people's lives. This was not to go wasted. I knew what relationships I missed, but knew only held me down and weren't inductive of a positive, environment. So I grabbed my marker and in red ink, wrote across the word on the page... Goodbye! Then I began to cry... the air was filled with my bawling sounds! I placed my head in my hands over my crossed-legged lap. Sadly, I had no more words to say... just a build-up of intense emotions surrounding a list of names that used to mean everything to me but now sound strange to even say! 

I lit another smoke and took a deep breath, as I focused once again, on the bright-colored trees in the distance. "It's okay, Crystal", "You're okay", "You don't have to live a life that felt that way"... I repeated it over and over! 

Eight, Nine, and Ten. . .  .. . . .. . . . . . . . . 

I repeated this pattern for each word or phrase I wrote down on my scratchpad. Deep colorful responses to each became less painful and even transitioned to laughter! I practiced confidence, and positivity in my head... "Crystal, you are freaking amazing, so kind, hardened but working diligently to remove those layers!", "Crystal, you are a comedic genius, smart as can be, and blessed with a smoking hot body!"... No topic was out of line. Ten mini's... maybe, but it was too late to turn back now! 

The typical purging event; took an amazing shift... why wouldn't it? I felt different!

I stood up! It, admittedly, took me a few good attempts, before I landed the steady, stand position, upright!. The more I struggled to walk around on the large rocks, looking for sticks to throw for Meso... the more I laughed at myself. I talked to myself loudly and proudly... "Crystal, what in the heck did you think would happen to your motor skills after ten shots?" again... laughing! "I'm such a nerd!"... (read that in the tone of slurred!) laughing... I started coming up with words that a slur was acceptable for. So, if by chance I had to talk to someone in my route home... I would sound brilliant and not the opposite I was actually feeling in the real now! 

I was having a blast; calling for Meso in every accent I could think of, that I thought I actually sounded good at... I didn't care what it translated as in real life! I collected rocks that looked cool. I sang at the top of my lungs, all the newest songs I had learned the words to, with repeated listening time. I picked up a leaf. Bright, Glowing Yellow! I soaked up its beauty in the ray of sunlight beaming on me. What an amazingly beautiful afternoon! "Eff yeah, Crystal.... you are more than ok... you are a freaking, amazing person!" - "You, my beautiful self, deserve only the bestest of best Nouns in your life"

I tied Meso's leash around my waist and let her take the role of leading me home. With my free hand, I drank up the bottled waters and ate every granola bar. As I focused on the sounds of my chewing, my mind was in overdrive! I completed a purge event that wasn't in the negative spectrum, nor did it feel bad as I walked away! It is truly acceptable, as this person is known as an adult, to make a decision regarding a certain person or moment and truly let go without any additional rationale required for backup. I don't have to revisit what I have already discarded. To be real and genuine doesn't require letters of recommendation or three personal references. I get to be all of this and more just by being 100% me. I don't have to participate in every event in life to be ok. I don't have to do what I don't want to do! I don't have to water myself down in order to have people in my life. I don't have to be afraid of what people might not like. I get to live and breathe and dance and sing! I get to wake up each day feeling good with the early morning sunlight! I get to experience forgiveness! I get to be a part of a storyline that doesn't begin or end with destruction and violence! I get to be whomever I decide to be as I map out this new feel-good adventure, and maybe finally, for once, decide what I want to be when I grow up! 

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Play That Funky Music White Girl

I had the pleasure of babysitting all of my 6 littles (my grandbabies) from 7:00 am this morning until morning tomorrow. You could say I am a smidge on the tired side. On top of an entire day of me being the snack britch, push up my freezer pop, please, Nana Crystal... I had a battle fighting inside my head and heart. 

On this journey; I am realizing that there are no second chances or joking around when it comes to forward movement. If I don't keep my mind just as focused as my drive... my circle will backtrack. Those that bring doom, gloom, and make me dark and twisty, will once again rein in my life.

Outside of watching my littles, completing my portfolio, and a bit of baking... I spend a lot of time by myself. I was going to say alone, but that word sounds sad or lonely and that's not how my time with myself is perceived. I am enjoying getting to know myself. My former self spent the majority of her time planning and doing for others. So, taking every free minute with me to learn about myself is becoming fun! Even adventurous, I might say! 

After another amazing evening with My Mr. TDAH... I once again left his presence surrounded by a new awareness... His taste in music! As well as, smelling like him (that's one of my favorites).  An introduction to his music provided hours of 3D brain massaging and a moment, where I believe, time actually stood still. 

SURREAL!

So... what's my point? Let me so kindly tie all that together into a beautiful red bow, wrapped around the package, called my life...

Backtrack to my evening with my littles. After an attempt to wrangle all 6 of them into bedtime formations... A moment began to unfold. With littles not staying in bed, as requested and 50% of the mass population crying... I began to feel overwhelmed, stressed, and maybe even close to throwing my own tantrum! I grabbed my Bluetooth speaker and began playing my newly created playlist. 3D BRAIN MASSAGE!!!

Immediately, cries became screams and crabby littles began pouting out of the baby shark room. I continued to make my banana bread and sing and dance... The littlest of littles (ahead of baby Z, who was actually sleeping) began to stare at me for a few seconds and then started wiggling her chunky legs, in and out. The smile on her face in pride, as she was dancing and in joy from the music beats, is the purest form of innocence and happiness one could ever experience. 

Then little # 3, 5 and 6 began shaking their arms in the air and bobbing heads. My kitchen became a toddler mosh pit. The overwhelmed, stressed out me couldn't help but to start laughing! These littles... Such amazing persons for such different reasons... We're singing and dancing their butts off because I presented a moment that changed the tone. A moment that was presented to me by My Mr. TDAH with a reveal of his music tastes. This moment poured into the morning, as I sang and danced to Halloween themed songs, as parents picked up their littles and a loaf of banana bread. 

Once again; by myself... I picked up my house from the evening of toddler mania. I changed back the music to my newest obsession to keep adding to my playlist. I again found myself singing and dancing to the pumped up beats. The battle inside my head and heart no longer felt important. I realized that not every moment requires my emotion or a melt down. To stay in a state of forward motion means I have less time to stay focused on any aspect of my past. 

I stayed far too long in a state of sadness. Thinking every negative in my past required me to unroll a sleeping bag and stay. If I didn't fully understand my reasonings for the past (I ALLOWED) then how could I heal and be real in my future state? 

I decided I was overdo for a purge. A name I've given to the process I go through mentally and physically to let go. I am a highly emotional person. I feel way before I think. My Mr. TDAH is frequently reminding me to find the reason in a moment based on the what and why without the feel. It has been one heck of a challenge to get my brain to drop the emotion and sort the facts. And when I do... Oddly, I feel more relaxed! 

On my journey, I sought happiness and to begin living this thing called life!  Now that I have reached these in my current state... I am focused on using the tools I have learned work for me to keep me in a positive state! 

Details to come...

"Forget the risk and take the fall. If it's what you want it's worth it all" ~unknown