There has been this internal struggle with myself lately. Going back and forth from the type person I want to be and the person I am... which one should take the lead? I have this confidence that wants to be unleashed. To no longer hold myself back. If this is my life, and only mine to own... why shouldn't I let it take control? Why must I water myself down and be afraid of what the world might think of me... I know I am smart! I know I am sexy... so... again, my dearest... what's the problem?
I feel good today... not like happy, happy and blissful... more like rested! A rested body and mind are so much more valuable then one that is tired and weak. I have this attitude today, that is telling me to take life by the horns and do whatever it is that feeds my soul! No second guessing, no insecurities.... be bold! I mean, what is the worst thing that can happen? Be rejected? Feel unworthy of the requested actions? Not like I haven't been there and done that! My energy could also be matched! That sounds more like fun! I don't want to be that girl... the shy, meek thing biting her tongue for the sake of pride. BORING! I don't want to be boring... I want to be loud in a non speaking type of way!
I have been working hard with my self reflection and on my journey to find myself. However, instead of being focused on the future state of me; I am constantly being brought back into the now. The current state of me and how I feel about myself. The fears and insecurities that probably will never resoginate. The thoughts in my head that are only making me feel less than I truly am. At the end of the day, I have to be happy with my actions. I have to fall asleep with a clear mind. If I continue to hold back who I am... its only going to keep me 6 feet under. Waking each day to live in a fog of what I am supposed to be vs. who I am! I know I am not crazy! I know I am not insane... I am just a girl seeking the best version of herself. Maybe, the girl I am today... isn't so bad! Maybe, just maybe, I would find others seek what I have to offer. Instead of being a plan B or on reserve due to my capabilities that I am forcing back.
When I walk out my door today, into the real world... I know there will be people and situations that are going to try and knock me off my high horse. They are going to try and spew their filth and lack of confidence towards me. I am not going to let them get to me. I am not going to be anything other than what I am feeling right now. I cant help what others feel and see when I am present. I can only control how I feel and what I see in my own mirror. Today, my reflection is amazing. It's a good hair day, I guess you could say! My presence shall speak for itself!
It's Sunday... Family Night! I so look forward to these days when I get to have all my Peeps (including those from other Mothers) here surrounding me. The laughter, the bantering, the joy and love they fill the house with. When they leave at the end of the night... I feel less alone. I feel like life is going at the speed it should and I need to stop hiding away from it all. I don't know what event or moment was the driving force of telling myself I need to stop being who I am... but it can kiss my ass! Excuse my language... I am just exhausted with this entire process and feeling like I have to change so many things about myself in order to be able to breathe. I might be perfectly, imperfect... .just as I am!
My nickname used to be Rockstar. Not because I could sing... but because of the attire I wore and the attitude I let the world see. I didn't care what others thought about me. I knew I had a tough story most wouldn't believe and it was my time to shine. My time to own and the only person I truly cared the thoughts that were felt... were mine! What a great way to live. Not to say, there wont be bad days, or moments that take my breath away... but the days that are good, the moments that do brighten my soul... they are the moments I should be clinging to. Dont let go of that rockstar attitude I have been keeping down in the basement. Let her out! Let her breathe...
I am Crystal Rae... I have owned so many titles, so many names... but the one that means the most to me is just that ... Crystal Rae! No last name and I haven't found the one that is mine to own yet. I don't want the ones from the past as they arent mine to own or keep. So, I will be patient until life puts that question in front of me. Then I will decide if its right for me or not... not if I am right for them!
Insane, how just a night of good sleep can change the entire way I feel and think. A reminder again about the whole healthy me lifestyle. The healthier I feel... the more my confidence is back!
You may or may not like me... what matters at the end of the day is how much I like myself...
Today, I am on fire and I have no intentions of putting any aspect of it out!
"Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can wear" ~Boudoir International
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