When certain life events from your past begin to form and shape into moments in the present state... it's a pretty emotional concept to contain. To unravel it all from your heart and explain it to your brain. You begin to question your sanity for believing all the ways the stars aligned; were mapped out that way just for the two of you. Your date down to the hour and minute was already marked in fate. To watch a full moon rise and move across the night sky. Energized by the constellations, in clear view, glowing in the darkness. My excitement for the closeness of his presence feels unusually calm. Consumed by a moment in its entirety, when I can feel my heart beating out of my chest and yet my pulse remains stable.
Soaking up the scenery using every one of my senses: My sight capturing an image of perfection. A face, that body, those eyes! A quick glance pulls me in deeper. I find myself unable to look away. A glimpse into his soul; compassionate, kind, selflessly motivated. His sounds are smooth and his words are filled with brilliance. They immediately catch my attention and saturate my mind. Such opposite and yet perfectly aligned thoughts to mine. The humor and wit that is bold, intertwined within. A warm touch that leaves an essence of desire and an invisible traced line down the curve of my lower back; causing goosebumps to rise on my skin. Instantly knocking down walls with my intuition whispering; you can trust him. The smooth dance moves of our tongues as we breathe in each other's air, suffocating any initial fears, as we drown in our tastes. My heartbeat increased at a rapid pace. Our chest aligned and touching; creating a song with no words, just deep bass. Marking a moment in time where the hands on the clock stopped moving and all outside noise fell still. The rawness. The real.
nine/twenty-one/twenty-one
***
Tonight, standing outside in the crisp fall breeze, I saw something moving in the distance. Dancing around my flowers. As I walked toward their movement, I realized it was months suckling the bright purple flowers that were still in bloom. In my entire life... I don't believe I have ever sat and watched moths suckling flowers. My flowers! Bees, Butterflies, and other buzzing creatures... but never moths. I was raised in an anti-moth household. The smell of old people in my family was always a fragrance of afternoon coffee, and mothballs. To see the moths moving like hummingbirds, from one bloom to the other... was... beautiful. The mystical creature from the night, appearing out of nowhere, leaving traces of dust along its path. I never considered such to contain any form of beauty. No bright colorings or marks to catch the eye. Drab and bland to the night sky. Yet, there I was... in a trance. Fully present in a moment of stillness and observation, filling up unused areas of my mind, with the formations of dancing moths.
When I became aware of the significance of the moment, I couldn't help but smile. My presence was completely in the present and I didn't have to think about getting there or what to do once I was. It was a reaction to movement and I let myself be drawn in. I have pushed myself so hard the past few weeks. The emotional turmoil, the silence, the focus of presence in the present. I dusted off my confidence and leveled up with red lipstick. This is what I have been pushing myself for. To live in the now, with a still mind and I did it. Without direction or self-talk to get me there.
"Way to go, Crystal!"
I feel so proud! My work is paying off and my energy is being matched. The positives I am fulfilling with all the words I have said. They say that a person who has lived through numerous traumatic events has a harder time maintaining a healthy, happy lifestyle because of all the negatives in their head. That by replacing the negatives with positives, the feeling of being down will lessen. This is the whole principle behind cognitive behavior therapy. To replace memories of trauma with positives.
This past month, I reached endings with the monsters under my bed. I danced with littles to a new music playlist. I cooked and played games with my Children and Children from other Mothers during Sunday, Family Game Night. I purged some lingering, painful emotions down by the river. I exposed my rawness by writing about that night. I reminded myself to let go laughing. I shared my childrens favorite moments.
So much positivity and good!
Let's not forget the experience of my perfect calendar day, on my first date with my Mr. TDAH.
The best Nouns are the unexpected ones!
I know regardless, of what next steps began to take shape in my life... I am going to thrive! There is so much of life for me to live, right here, in the now, in front of me! Overthinking and other non-forward moving thoughts are not a value add to my personal journey. As far as those negatives in my head... look at all the ways the positives are surrounding me! The hairline fractures to my heart are harder to see, as my heart muscles are growing. Just like my stomach muscles from all the laughing!
If I was able to reach this point in just a month. Can you imagine what you will see from me in another thirty days, and then other after that! Its these moments that are necessary to keep the fight inside of me growing.
"Whatever is good for your soul, do more of that"
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