In the darkest hours of the early morning; I woke in a panic, covered in sweat and the complete opposite of the position I fell asleep in. It happened again... that night... the first punch... replaying in my head! They say God only gives us what we can handle. I think if that is truly the case, then that would explain the reasoning I can't remember anything past the first punch to my face. Waking up on a bathroom floor of a bar. My blood spattered on the wall and my clothing had been forcibly removed. What kind of evil must a person harvest to do something so cruel?
I despise this dream... this nightmare! I can only chalk the recent revisit of this to the reflection and writings I have been sharing. Opening a vault in my subconscious that shouldn't be. There was a reason I stopped trying to remember and live in peace in the unknowing. The sense of fear swallows me the minute I begin to try and breathe. God, please, please.... don't let this consume me today! I have made such huge strides to truly begin living my life. I feel happy! I have worked so hard to prevent fear from continuing to control me! I just want to get myself right... without having to put up such a fight!
As I lay in my bed, trying to get ahold of my emotions and fall back to sleep... I couldn't help but think about the current state of my life. The void in my bed that once provided a sense of comfort and security with the person who used to lay next to me. I know I can't rush life but I have moments I long to once again be someone's wife. Someone who feels lucky for me to take on their name. Someone who understands how amazing I am with all of my nurturing qualities. Then I remind myself... it's not about my timing... it's about when it's meant to be. I still have so many aspects I am learning about myself. I am still learning to enjoy spending time by myself. I have only recently begun to date myself. To fully understand and appreciate the qualities that currently define me.
That night... doesn't define me. It changed me. No question there... but only I can decide in what aspect. If I continue to fight to live and give into my fears... it only puts me back into a hostage situation, hiding in my bathroom, for what? Another three years? Hell No! I refuse to go back to being that girl! I refuse to give life back to that night or that sad, excuse of a human. I can't even recall his name anymore. So that is a win for me! I swore I wouldn't give him that pleasure of hearing his name from my mouth! Low life, scum of the earth, POS... seems more appropriate anyway!
So today, I am feeling agitated. I am fighting emotions of anger and a desire to crawl into a ball and cry! This full moon is really getting to me! Cheesus... the tears I have cried all in the context of feeling uncomfortable and wanting to get to the better side of all of this, without so much leg work. Wanting some sort of break... reprieve! I know I don't like being told what to do or taking the easy road. Any form of a challenge excites me. Lights a fire inside me that pushes me to be more than I seem! Buuut... I am beyond words tired! Not the kind that requires sleep! I am experiencing emotions that want to keep me standing still vs. forward movement. I want to self-sabotage because living in a state of comfort is so much easier than continuing to push myself into constant discomfort! I don't think anyone truly understands how much I have changed in thirty days! Not that I am looking for recognition. Maybe just providing an awareness so you can understand why my mind and body are so dang drained.
The artist formerly known as me... was crippled by anxiety and fear in every aspect of my life. I couldn't do anything without feeling panic, insecurities, and questioning every step to get me there. Most of the time, I would cancel or bail. It was just easier than pushing myself through the maze in my head. Going anywhere became my own personal hell!
In order to make it through a day... here are the rules I had to follow:
- My outfit had to be preplanned from the night before. I mentally had to know what I was wearing from head to toe. If something wasn't there or didn't fit right as I thought it would... it would ruin my entire day. To the point, I wouldn't get out of bed. My day was ruined... seriously!
- Going anywhere outside of the house required me to download the address on maps. If I had an appointment in a location I had never been to before. I would drive to it the day before. So I could see parking options, and not feel stupid trying to find the place minutes before I was supposed to be there.
- Prior to going to said appointment, I would have to question every aspect of any details. Parking, what type of clothing to wear, what documentation would I need, what challenges would be presented to me... Then I would have to sometimes call and request everything again because something in my mind didn't feel fully at peace. If I reached a point of being unable to settle the questions in my mind... I would cancel or ditch the appointment.
- Making plans meant being told with as short of notice as possible, knowing I would attempt to cancel, question everything, or make my body physically ill with all the possibilities that were outside of my control.
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