Yesterday, I received a text message requesting an interview for an incredibly easy (based on my experience) remote position with a large hourly wage and flexible hours. After interviewing; I was offered the position. That gray matter between my ears told me it was too good to be true. My heart begged for it to please, please be real. It was exactly what I needed to stop treading in the deep end of the pool. My red lip glossed lips, and matching attitude said... Of course, this was happening, and of course, they reached out to me... I mean, look at my qualifications. This job was perfect for me! I sang and danced with more energy than ever before! I was on cloud nine as I cleaned my house! I was taken back by my new awareness for the words you speak being put out in the universe to create a life of your choosing. My positivity pep talks were paying off... You are what you speak!
See... I always thought it was... You are what you eat! I guess this is a prime example of why I ended up on the bright side of the tracks and probably the reasoning there is a need for "participation" trophies!
Ha! I am just that awesome... right!
Turns out there is a 99% chance the above job placement and hope I felt... was a sham!
I should warn you all in advance; that I am in a twisted, condescending mood today. If you took advantage of the free emotional rollercoaster ride I offered the other day; you wouldn't be shocked by my insanely high altitude day, skipping in the clouds following up by a day of being a sad burrito, all bundled up on my couch. I hesitate to share the next scene in this play on my life...The one where I am on my knees; covering my mouth to scream... as loud as I fucking can! Excuse my language, but some moments deserve no censorship!
Are you there God? It's me, Crystal... AGAIN!
In every room in my house, you will find the word "love" in the form of artwork, wall decor, or accents to tie the theme together. The grand prize to the races I have entered in my lifetime. Always to come in last place. To continually feel like I am unloveable or too much to handle... to question if I am meant to live in a state of solitary. What the "Four Letter F Word" did I do to deserve to live a life that feels this way? I was not a horrible child! My teen rebellious years weren't really that hardcore... and I don't recall ever inflicting pain on others that would deem descriptive words like misery, defeat, and self-loathing for me. The traumatic moments during each stage of my life that no one should have to experience... baffles me! Not just one, or two, or three... way too many, and yet, I am still that girl filled with hope and a belief that "happily ever afters" are still a real thing! A past history of chasing those that were not worthy of my time and attention... all for the sake of having someone to love me. Searching for that one lost soul destined for me. To find the missing piece of beautifully, brilliant insanity that perfectly aligns with mine. The one to calm my chaos and pause my overthinking mind. Someone who returns their love as fierce as I provide.
My grandmother told me she saved me before I was born. That my mother had scheduled to terminate the pregnancy and her sister signed off pretending to be the mother of my underage mother. When my grandmother found out... she apparently went to the clinic and stopped the appointment. I have no problem stating that I am pro-choice! It's not something I would do, but I believe women should have the right to make the choice. So this is not a slam against my mother for the decision she had made. I also don't know the percent of truth to this little piece of my history... what I do know... is there are very few moments I remember my mother being "motherly" to my brother and me. I think she knew being a young mother is not what she wanted at that point in her life and I think it was very courageous to know that. Having my brother less than a year later... only added to her feelings of missing out on a life of being wild and carefree. Although, my mother and I do not have a relationship at this point in my life... I have moments where I understand why she felt the way she did. She was forced into marriage and to be a young mom to two kids... not the role she wanted to be in. However, it was the role she was in and I wish she realized the impact she had on my brother and me. When you grow up in a non-loving environment. It causes you to seek attention in any form you can get. Let me also clarify... when I say non-loving... my mother didn't abuse us or put us in risky situations... she just wasn't affectionate or willing to give us her attention and time. I sought attention in the form of being "perfect" and my brother in the form of negative behavior. My brother grew up living a hard life based on the consequences of not following the laws and I grew up holding myself to unattainable standards and self-sabotaging actions, feeling unworthy of anything that felt good!
The moments I recall feeling the best in my life... time spent at the cabin with my grandparents on my Mother's side. The time spent riding horses at my grandparents on my Father's side. Time outside... in nature. That is when my heart and soul thrived! The freckles on the right side of my face formed the shape of a heart. I believed I was special and sent to change the world! I wasn't sure of what... but I knew I had a purpose above what others had defined.
I like to learn and have a need for understanding. I can't just do something... I must know why and what the end outcome is to be. My mind has to think about every situation and all the paths that could possibly be taken to obtain the end result. Then to add a twist to my need for knowledge... I have to set guidelines and then attempt to exceed them in order to feel a sense of pride for the accomplishment. A day in my mind is exhausting... hence my need to feel my presence in the present; Stillness of my mind!
I have always felt different yet, I have an essence that draws people in. I am funny! I like being the center of attention when in the right mind... and also like pulling myself back into the darkness when I know I require a reset of me, myself, and I! My need to put thought into everything I do... has caused me to become a very emotional person. However, it's not a side most will ever see. In fact, sharing all my insecurities and negatives I struggle with... as therapeutic as they may be... doesn't feel good to me! I like being viewed as a strong, independent woman who can do everything on her own. I don't want to be viewed as weak or needy! The mentality of not needing anyone ever is deep-rooted and it's not a healthy attribute or in favor of a forward mindset. People have to feel needed and wanted. To not live a life reflective of that... only adds bricks to my walls that most aren't patient enough to take the time to climb.
I am not dumb and I have lived my life (for the most part) in the right. Following the laws and not taking risky chances in life. I just can't wrap my head around the reasons for the situations I am faced with. I can understand lessons to be learned and the universe presenting moments that require us to grow or see others from a different perspective. The situations that are constantly knocking me down and repeatedly making me fight to breathe... don't make sense to me! What part of all of this am I not getting. Which aspect has me stuck in a groundhog day effect with Alanis Morissette singing "Ironic" in the background on repeat!
I am fully aware I am one decision away from being locked in a white jacket. I can't keep wishing for what has been deemed as not mine to own. I can't keep setting healthy boundaries just to have others slowly set their problems down and I feel like I have to pick them up and carry them around in order to be a good person. I have to stop taking the hard road in life just to prove I can. If helping others is putting me in a continual bind... then I have to start saying "no"!
I used to wish there was a magic pill I could take to heal my brain... now, I find myself wishing there was one to eliminate the emotions I build up inside. What a plot twist... the girl who cares too much longs to be dead inside! Sounds like the perfect title to my book coming to life, little by little, one chapter at a time!
"Don't take life too seriously, You will never get out of it alive"
~Elbert Hubbard
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