I woke up with a sense of peace in my heart and head. Typical me, myself and I moment! I said I am an emotional person; I wasn't kidding! I get these lows followed by highs. I have often wondered what life would look like for me if I lived in more of the gray area. Honestly, I think I would be less cool! Part of this journey has forced me to not only think about everything I want to be... but what I currently am. I know I could change all of my emotions, feelings, high anxiety, etc. with medication. Trust me... I have been there and done that. This pill would make me sleepy, this pill would make me hungry, this one made me drool. Not a good look for me! I like having control of my body and mind. I realize that is completely opposite of how I explained my emotions come and go... This is where I am educating myself on myself. I am learning my emotional triggers. I am recognizing how my body changes before an emotional outpour! How I start to feel feverish before an anxiety attack. No, not like requires medical attention. To me that means I feel a rush of panic, fear, and a desire to be isolated from the moment. Sometimes even the people who are present.
Last night, I took the opportunity to put on my Halloween outfit; Little Red Riding Hood! EPIC! I spiced it up a bit by adding thigh high fish net stockings and lots of gold glitter.
**WARNING TO MY PEEPS** You might not want to see the mental visual I am about to roll out... so maybe skip to the next paragraph. LYF's!
I am a sensual person. I like adding layers (more like removing them) to reflect my newly restored confidence and how sexually healthy I am feeling. In the past, intimacy has been in the negative spectrum of adding to my feel goods. So now that I am off the charts feeling like a goddess and experiencing chemistry on levels I didn't know was possible... I felt the need to share with My Mr. TDAH. A few quick videos of me dancing, as I envisioned, Little Red Stripper would! The sense of trust, security, and safety I feel with him is beyond words amazing! I feel amazing!
There is a trend I am noticing... the more I focus on doing healthy things for me... the less outside noise there is with my self reflecting. If I am feeling good physically... the less of a bad day I will have. My thoughts, emotions and actions are all in the spectrum of positivity! If I am getting out of the shower and I am singing and thinking of what to wear without feeling insecurities... game changer! The entire tone from that point on are on a high note. When a moment begins to take hold and I feel emotions that are comforting... I know I have to stop and change my thoughts, redirect my focus. I can still be an emotional person, its just requires having the knowledge of what that truly means. What is an ok reaction and when is ok for it to happen. It means having a ton of conversations with the nouns in my life to keep reminding them; I wear my heart on my sleeve and overthink everything. My mini-me has become a pro with code red crystal moments. She knows when to shut me down and give me a reality check on my thoughts (while reminding me how many times she has been right about my thoughts in the past) or knows when to let me vent (SIMBA). She has saved me more days than she knows. To Neptune and beyond! I can hear her now... "That's not how it goes, Crystal!"
This afternoon, I found myself eating Lucky Cuss take out sitting down by the river. Meso's favorite spot. The happiness I feel every time I unhook her seatbelt (what I call her leash) and she starts to run for the water, pausing to look back to confirm she is being a good girl... I swear I can see her smiling! Please don't judge me... Meso is my midlife crisis child. Yes she is a dog... but I spoil her like a child. I have moments where I even question my own sanity... but I love the crap out of her! MESO CUTE!
I sat eating, looking at the fall scenery... watching Meso run... I realized maybe I am doing all of this way too hard! If I am self reflecting or working on me, myself and I... constantly... when are the moments of just breathing? I know this past month has been a life changer for me. The way I feel about myself, the Nouns in my life, etc. Its completely opposite of the life I had. I find myself singing, dancing, laughing more than I ever have before! I am not afraid to walk out my front door! I am driving to a top secret location and not using maps. My high anxiety would never have let me go anywhere without an app telling me directions, just to ensure I don't miss my destination. Not a bad idea, considering I did miss my initial turn once. I laughed at my sense of direction and the world kept turning. There was no punishment for me missing a turn! I still can't believe how hard I have been on me! I am feeling adventurous by not using a map app to get to locations I have already been to. Look at me gone wild!
This isn't a game I am playing with an ending of life or death... oh wait! Yes, it is! None of us make it out of this thing called life alive. I have a goal of ensuring the person I am at the end of all of this... made me proud! I have this craving to do something that is a life changing for others. To add positivity to negativity! To be the light in the dark! To be the love in a place of hate! Cheesy... maybe, but it's really something that aches inside of me! How can I be all of that... if I don't feel I am worthy of being such a person. That is what I am working on to change. To redirect. To focus.
I can't stand pain or suffering. It's something I will try to intervene and change if I can. So, why I have I tolerated inflecting myself with such emotions? Why can't I be happy and live at the same time? Why do I like to ask myself so many questions??
I guess what I am saying is... I have got to focus on healthy within all the aspects of my life. It makes all of this self reflecting easier on me. I also need to know when to shut down the gray matter between my ears and just breath. Not every minute of every day needs to be consumed by the rebuilding of me. To be aware of my surrounding and taking it all in... is just as much of a win! Focus on the things I am doing and saying to myself... to make sure they align with the future state I want to be in.
If I have been able to convey one thing from all of this... I hope it has been the importance of loving yourself! To take the moments you can to find yourself again! The little girl in me... still makes cookies just to eat the batter! I have to dance in the rain or hop into large puddles! Say please and thank you! Eat cereal for dinner (I do this one a lot)! Count one, one thousand... two, two thousand to determine how many miles away the lightening struck from the thunder sound!
You don't have to go far to find the moments that fill your soul... if you start paying attention. Being aware of your present with your presence. You don't have to rebuild yourself to experience a life worth living. You don't have to walk 3000 plus steps to find happy! You just have to open your eyes... and if you are anything like me... stop trying to force things to how you want them to be. What is meant to be will always find a way and LOVE above all things!
"The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty, has wasted thirty years of his life'" ~Muhammad Ali
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