I was given a gift yesterday by my mini-me. It was a journey set with a "Leo" theme. For those of you that may not know, that is my astrology sign. This gift made me tear up as it was of course a toolset for writing and included a theme of the stars. All of which I love. So, thank you again to my mini-me for such a thoughtful gift. She texted me this morning to start off my day by writing an apology letter to myself. I have written letters to myself and even saved them to read years later. This challenge she had sent me was much different. I don't think I have ever thought about writing an apology letter to myself. I was intrigued and ready to take on her challenge.
I mean why not?
I am all about tools that encourage personal growth and help me on my journey to be the best version of me that I can be. As part of my journey to find myself and document my path along the way, this also means sharing my apology letter to me with all of you.
Dear Crystal Rae,
I hope you had a wonderful New Year's eve. After all, you have been through the past few years... you deserved a night that was filled with love and laughter. I want you to know that I was thinking of you and I have a lot I would like to say. First of all, I want you to know that I am truly sorry for not standing by your side and being your biggest fan the last few years. I know you counted on me so many times and each time I let you down. I allowed the negativity and words of others to sway me in a direction that I know made you feel invisible, unworthy, and unlovable. It breaks my heart to think about all the times you lay on the bathroom floor sobbing because you didn't understand why I hated you. Looking back now, I felt embarrassed as to how badly I treated you. I guess I assumed you had to be to blame if so many people around you wanted nothing to do with who you were becoming. I can clearly see now that it was truly their insecurities and lack of self-worth that caused them to pull away. There was never anything wrong with you. You have to understand that your confidence, dreams, and fierce independence were viewed as a threat and in order to make themselves feel better, they had to knock you down. If everything you said and believed was true, then that made them look and feel bad because it would require them to grow up and be better in order to keep you.
Please don't take my statements as ways to justify my actions or lessen the pain I caused you. I am fully aware I am to blame for how quickly and deeply you fell. The scars on your arms, legs, and heart are mine to own. When everything felt dark and made no sense... I should have lifted you up, praised you for how far you had come and all the messed up situations you not only survived but kept pushing yourself to learn from it all and not be a victim of it all. I am sure no one would have blamed you for playing the victim card and giving up. You have always known your potential but it was me telling you to not go for it. That you were not strong enough, smart enough, or good enough to make your dreams come true. Instead of embracing you and all the goodness inside your heart and mind... I fed your mind with all the reasons you should feel guilty, bad about yourself, and even pushed you to attempt to take your own life.
I am so very glad you are still here today. The passion you lived by. The love you give despite all you have been through and all that you have lost is something most should learn from you. I have watched you set healthy boundaries and then cry because it felt selfish and you didn't want that for you.
Crystal, you are not selfish. You are, however, smart, beautiful, beyond words sexy and funny too. You have brought so much light in a world of darkness and I truly hope you are able to forgive me for not believing in you. I know you do not owe me another chance, but if you do. Please know there will never be another moment I will not stand up for you. I am here and I am your biggest fan. I will keep pushing you to follow your dreams no matter how hard it gets or how many others think you are too old or can't see all that you are capable of doing. I have faith in you and I know you will reach your dream of being a best-selling author.
I know you can do whatever it is you set your mind to. So again, dear Crystal. I am truly sorry for all the times I let you down and believed you were not lovable or worth anything. You are beyond lovable, you are worth more than you fully know. Don't worry, I am right here to make sure you do not forget it and proudly watch you as you do what you do.
Happy New Year to you Crystal. I truly hope you can forgive me for all I have done. I promise you my words are true and my actions will never make you question my love for you again.
You are so amazing and those that don't know it, soon will. Those that did and hurt you, still know it and regret it. Trust me... you are that big of a deal!
Love always,
ME
**************************************************************************
I must admit, that really felt great to write and read to myself. I know I have been through so much but I haven't taken the time to say I am sorry and truly forgive myself for the things I did. If you haven't written yourself an apology letter yet... please take the time to do so. Even if you write it, and burn it so no one ever knows... the most important person will.
You, Your Heart & Your Soul!
********************************
Happy 2022 to all of you! Please don't forget to follow my path on Vocal as well. I need your eyes reading to keep my fingers typing...
