As promised... the Details!
***This one will be lengthy... It's a personal purge event! A serious cleanse of the emotional state of my mind. my heart. what keeps my soul drowning without air. Most of this has never been shared as it has been embarrassing, sad, TOXIC, and a very weakened reflection of who I was truly meant to be***
After a morning of singing and dancing and feeling amazing (through and through)... I decided it was time for a much overdue PURGE! A name I have given to the process of emotionally, getting my ass back on track, with everything I am trying to do. To rewind, reset and focus! Since I am not one to be non-responsive for a lengthy period of a day. I called my mini-me to let her know I needed a purge. I would be down by the river... to get non-forward motion thinking off my brain! Sounds insane.. right?!?!
In the past, this purging process was usually unplanned. However, in thinking back... I now recognize the feelings that triggered a hot mess, train wreck. Although, I was feeling amazing... I knew there were lingering thoughts I needed to release and do it in a manner that clears it away for good. No more bandaids in my current state of living this thing called life. If I am truly going to be successful I have to maintain my focus and drive on what matters most. The clutter in my mind is extensive and I am exhausted from carrying it all these years. Revisiting the moments that caused hairline fractures to my heart will only keep me standing still. There are moments that require a fight. That deserves to stay in the front of my mind, as they are what is pushing me to stay on the right path and release myself from the extreme expectations I previously set. The things that only set me, myself, and I up for failure.
Today, there would be no hot mess or a train wreck. This purge was going to be used as a tool and not as an excuse to get effed up and escape what I didn't want to deal with. I know what I needed and wanted from the experience. I have worked hard to be where I am currently at physically and mentally. There would be no negatives that would impact my children or my safety. I have locked in my mind any actions of mine, that in the past, would cause an epic event of drama in everyone's lives around me or Billings finest that were on shift that evening. Not a bright spot in my former self's life and not where I will ever find myself again! *pinky promised*
So, I grabbed $7.00 worth of mini shots, smokes, granola bars, water for Meso and Me... and headed to our spot down by the river. Not a long walk, but an area where Meso could run leash-free and I could begin the process of purging without public spectators. I honestly, wasn't certain how this would play out under the conditions of my new mindset and newly established love for myself. Previous purges were kicked off based on feelings of self-loathing. So, how would I clear my head and heart if I didn't feel negativity?
I brought my scratchpad, markers, and paint. In my newly shaped life... I am doing what I feel in moments of spontaneous creativity. No more feeling insecure, or stupid for the creations I whip out. If it's how I release emotion and get myself out of an episode of overthinking... color, write and paint away! That's what I say (or will as of now because that is a dang catchy line)
Q: Who are those to judge me anyway?!?
A: Stupid people
and we all know they suck...so... moving on...
As I sat staring at the beautiful fall colors in the trees and Meso running all over the rocky beach and nearby flowing river... I felt this overwhelming sense of being fully present at the moment. Not deep in thought on those that have previously hurt me or trying to solve every meaning behind the reason of specific traumatic events that changed me. I knew there were these emotions building inside of me that I had to get off my chest. I can't keep letting them build until they begin to consume me. Looking back I believe this was just another way I self-sabotaged any happy, happy inside me. Still telling myself I wasn't worthy of these feelings or moments that added happiness. Still, it takes me a few healthy chats with that stubborn gray matter between my ears, before I am able to be present with the presence, or is that my presence is in the present? Regardless, I have to remind myself that what I am experiencing and feeling with my current state... is good, it's right... and I DESERVE IT! (I actually made that a much more colorful statement in the real now)... But Dang Right!
I have lived in a state of mind, that was so wrong for me. I told myself daily lies that only helped to further drive my self-worth deep into the land of loss. I walked, talked, and danced, in my own little world of LOSS. The loss of my marriage, my career, my sense of safety. The LOSS of one of the greatest men in my life. Not one of... The ONE!
Is there such a thing as a Grandpa's Girl? If there was ever a person that deserved an award for patience and unconditional love... it would go to him! My Grandpa Obo (the young me's way of writing Bob). This one still consumes me...Everything I learned on how you treat others, respect, your word was your handshake...was from him. So there is a reminder or incident that makes me question what he would have said to me about it... or how it would have said it; a lot! Everything that came out of his mouth was colorful. Not in a bad word kind of way. Like a rhyming, unexpected describing words, or hand clapping to the punch line! Yeah... he was that freaking cool! So four years later... this is still a really heavy-hitting punch to the gut and heart for me! F _ _ K CANCER!!!!
The 'Land of Loss' became my home. A state of mind, I took with me where ever I roamed. Surrounded in a dust cloud of "I hate who I am and my life"! This is where I get to pat myself on the back for the strides I have taken to stop talking down to Me, Myself, and I. I had to completely reprogram my way of thinking. When a moment, on any end of the spectrum, would happen; my first initial thoughts were always surrounded by darkness. I have been learning and openly recognizing, the words we use put certain elements into the universe. For freaking real! You shape your entire life based on how and what you say, and the way you think. Your definition is defined by you, you and you! How scary and yet how awesome! Once you have awareness... you notice positivity and negativity associated with the things you say and think about current, real in the now, situations. I initially felt as if I had a streak of good luck until it became fewer events and more continued days, I couldn't help but to stop and take notice! My Goals: Happy and Living.. were happening! Just as I had stated it to be!
Squirrel... Back to the river scene and internal purge process that was on the horizon.
I turned on my Bluetooth speaker to its loudest volume setting and began to play "River by Bishop Briggs". It's currently one of my top favorite songs, along with "I Feel Like I'm Drowning by Two Feet". If you have no clue who these artists are... then get googling. So worth it and who doesn't like good brain massaging? Awareness... please notice the artist's name is Bishop! A name previously a major negative for past me, is a positive for me in the real now! I freaking told you it was real!
One, Two, Three... mini's down. This always is an instant push of emotional release for me. I have become great at only craving to socially drinking... but know if I ever need to get some lingering doubts or negativity out into the open for me to deal with... mini's do it every time (when drank in quantity over a short period of time).
Four, Five, Six... Seven mini's down. It's been a while since I have gone this extreme, so I had an idea of where this was going to land me. Facedown on a beach of rocks (with a ton of spiders) and an excited Meso roaming free at full speed! Cheesus Crystal... is this really a good idea?
Feeling numb; inside and out... I lit a smoke and pulled out a bottle of water, markers, and paper. Instead of stating words in the universe that only invite badness into my life... I decided any painful moments I focused on permanently releasing... I would... COLOR, WRITE OR PAINT AWAY!
The first word for focus was an easy kickstart; the person who I should be naming as "mom". After an unexpected meeting, over a year in the making... there wasn't much I had to say. Letting go is a much easier process when they let go of you years prior. There was no need to decide on what a healthy relationship consisted of in a future state, of my mind. I put a ton of energy into disappearing from a select few people's lives. This was not to go wasted. I knew what relationships I missed, but knew only held me down and weren't inductive of a positive, environment. So I grabbed my marker and in red ink, wrote across the word on the page... Goodbye! Then I began to cry... the air was filled with my bawling sounds! I placed my head in my hands over my crossed-legged lap. Sadly, I had no more words to say... just a build-up of intense emotions surrounding a list of names that used to mean everything to me but now sound strange to even say!
I lit another smoke and took a deep breath, as I focused once again, on the bright-colored trees in the distance. "It's okay, Crystal", "You're okay", "You don't have to live a life that felt that way"... I repeated it over and over!
Eight, Nine, and Ten. . . .. . . .. . . . . . . . .
I repeated this pattern for each word or phrase I wrote down on my scratchpad. Deep colorful responses to each became less painful and even transitioned to laughter! I practiced confidence, and positivity in my head... "Crystal, you are freaking amazing, so kind, hardened but working diligently to remove those layers!", "Crystal, you are a comedic genius, smart as can be, and blessed with a smoking hot body!"... No topic was out of line. Ten mini's... maybe, but it was too late to turn back now!
The typical purging event; took an amazing shift... why wouldn't it? I felt different!
I stood up! It, admittedly, took me a few good attempts, before I landed the steady, stand position, upright!. The more I struggled to walk around on the large rocks, looking for sticks to throw for Meso... the more I laughed at myself. I talked to myself loudly and proudly... "Crystal, what in the heck did you think would happen to your motor skills after ten shots?" again... laughing! "I'm such a nerd!"... (read that in the tone of slurred!) laughing... I started coming up with words that a slur was acceptable for. So, if by chance I had to talk to someone in my route home... I would sound brilliant and not the opposite I was actually feeling in the real now!
I was having a blast; calling for Meso in every accent I could think of, that I thought I actually sounded good at... I didn't care what it translated as in real life! I collected rocks that looked cool. I sang at the top of my lungs, all the newest songs I had learned the words to, with repeated listening time. I picked up a leaf. Bright, Glowing Yellow! I soaked up its beauty in the ray of sunlight beaming on me. What an amazingly beautiful afternoon! "Eff yeah, Crystal.... you are more than ok... you are a freaking, amazing person!" - "You, my beautiful self, deserve only the bestest of best Nouns in your life"
I tied Meso's leash around my waist and let her take the role of leading me home. With my free hand, I drank up the bottled waters and ate every granola bar. As I focused on the sounds of my chewing, my mind was in overdrive! I completed a purge event that wasn't in the negative spectrum, nor did it feel bad as I walked away! It is truly acceptable, as this person is known as an adult, to make a decision regarding a certain person or moment and truly let go without any additional rationale required for backup. I don't have to revisit what I have already discarded. To be real and genuine doesn't require letters of recommendation or three personal references. I get to be all of this and more just by being 100% me. I don't have to participate in every event in life to be ok. I don't have to do what I don't want to do! I don't have to water myself down in order to have people in my life. I don't have to be afraid of what people might not like. I get to live and breathe and dance and sing! I get to wake up each day feeling good with the early morning sunlight! I get to experience forgiveness! I get to be a part of a storyline that doesn't begin or end with destruction and violence! I get to be whomever I decide to be as I map out this new feel-good adventure, and maybe finally, for once, decide what I want to be when I grow up!
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
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