I swear the more I write; the more I pour my heart into this journey... the more I find myself working my way back to the dark side. Slowly falling back into a pattern of past behaviors...
"WTF... CRYSTAL?"
I have gone out of my way to understand the key to happiness. The recommended daily tasks to complete to achieve the golden "H" award! I pushed Me, Myself and I; through hours upon hours of mentally revisiting each impact that caused a hairline fracture to my heart. Focusing my attention, once again... on the girl, I used to be!
When I think about young me... immediately, I see myself with brown freckles all over my nose and cheeks! Long brown hair (to be pulled to the front side, during school pictures). A total of 4 feet tall... Total Nerd! I was continually getting in trouble for staying up past bedtime to read. Busted with a flashlight and book, hiding under my bedspread. I loved to read! Still do... Pending a much-needed eye exam, followed by my "vain butt" getting glasses! UGH... I better look hot!
My younger version of me was so naive to the possibility of things in life actually going really wrong. I certainly didn't have an awareness for the things we say and do; determining the type of life we end up living. I recall at one of my therapy sessions... I expressed my feelings of anger, my lost sense of safety, and how hard I was trying to find the reason as to why it happened! Everything happens for a reason... right? My awesome, counselor said something after, that I will never forget...
"I don't believe everything happens for a reason. I believe we have to find a reason for everything that happens."
I can honestly say, there are a few moments... I have yet to find a reason! To add insult to injury; Mrs. Awesome calls it ... Complex, Disassociative, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Um...Isn't that what happens to soldiers in war? I was so confused and yet relieved that I had something I could better understand. The changes to my brain. The anxiety from my "flight or fight" constantly set on. I no longer felt safe... going anywhere. The more I educated myself on what it all meant... I had to understand what it also would mean for the relationships with my family and friends. I became overly sensitive to if what I was feeling and thinking was valid or did my brain wires cross again?
BATTY RAPYo, the name is Batty, the logic is erratic
Potato in a jacket, toys in the attic
I rock and I ramble, my brain is scrambled.
Thank you to Mr. Robin Williams for the voice and attitude of Batty (Fern Gully - The Last Rainforest)
Come on... That was funny! Dang good flick too!
So, it's true... I am no longer the girl I used to be. Nor is there any hope of ever getting all her pieces back! I have focused so hard on the list of pros and cons to ensure this time; I put myself back together right!
**Hold Please** (Is there a full moon on the horizon? I have cried and cried and yes, cried!)
When you take the words of those that meant the world to me, at that certain point in time, and shake them out of my head; Remove all the toxic, negativity that constantly lies to make me believe I am less than I am and you know what you will find?!?
One real, honest, hardworking, passionate, sensual, compassionate, kind, loving, loyal, and funny af person! I know the meaning of integrity and having genuine core values. Things that can't be taught. They are just who you are!
I am exhausted... this journey and my need for speed (with the entire self-reflection process) have me on the edge of sobbing ... again! No real reason; other than, this has been energizing, and yet has been uncomfortable! I know who I am and what I want to see change within myself. I also see what I want to dust off and stop silencing about me!
"I've waited my whole life to see my name in lights" ~Carrie Underwood (Champion)
I am a champion and all of you better keep close tabs on me... when I get all of myself figured out... You will see my name in lights, and not just on the funhouse at the fair or local watering hole!
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