Have you ever had one of those out-of-body dreams? The ones that are so deep and intertwined within every piece of you? You actually feel each second of the hard slumber. I woke startled, uncertain as to where I was. My dream state was so real, so intense, I was certain I was miles from my bedroom. The disappointment I felt when I discovered I was in my own bed. I am becoming more aware of all of my senses. The positivity is fueling my mind with thoughts beyond my control. Pushing my subconscious to the front of that gray matter between my ears. Providing sensual thoughts. Moments in the extreme. Unleashed with the freedom to be and do as I feel. To be real! My soul beckons me, myself, and I to FEEL! Not to second guess my thoughts, ideas, wants, or desires! A state of being that I have also longed for. To have no fear of all that is inside... for so long contained... the lock has been broken on the cage!
As I was walking into the grocery store yesterday, a young lady walked from behind me and as we reached the cart area, she made a sound... one comparable to what a hot woman would hear walking past a group of construction workers. The type of sound that made me instantly realize, she was highly impressed with the look of me! I began to turn red. I hadn't gotten dressed up. Nor was I rocking any smell goods. Yet, there I was... being hit on! I couldn't help but feel flattered. She was gorgeous! I stumbled to get a cart with her standing so close to me. She had no problem making her attraction for me known. Typical me, I had to move past the awareness I was experiencing by getting away from the moment as quickly as possible. "Thank-you, for the boost to my self-esteem", I said. She responded, "I didn't mean to be so blunt, there is just something about you. I can't put my finger on it... you make me want to stare at you! It's like there is something flowing out of you! You're glowing"!
Instant Smile...
This is the part where the cry baby in me, feels the need to shed a tear! The road I have been on to rediscover me, myself and I, has been a challenge. I have these days filled with clarity and happiness followed by a deep urge to self-sabotage. Can you imagine the battle is has been to hold that back? To convenience myself that all the forward motion is in the right and that I deserve an amazing life. Forcing myself, once again into a state of uncomfortable. I refuse to let the past history and cycles I followed, once again, own me! I have always been fearful of what others thought of me (to a certain degree) especially, my family! The judgment, the criticism, the use of sarcasm as a form of love. The sarcasm part still has roots that bind me. That is the topic of focus for me, in the present. Stop using sarcasm as a way to hide what I am really feeling. Sarcasm is another form of having walls. To say things in a way that kind of has meaning but quickly backtracks to prevent any opportunity to experience rejection, or feeling stupid. The Nouns in my circle have lifted me into a state of doing and saying whatever it is that I feel and to do so without any form of negatives or consequences.
It has been the greatest emotional state I could have ever dreamed of being really, real!
I am focusing on my senses during the "in-betweens". I am living in a state of awareness of my presence in the present. I am putting thought into others' wants and desires to leave a positive impact. All while still setting healthy boundaries for my own personal growth and healing process. The self-confidence I have is getting hard to contain. All reflective with my singing, dancing, and lack of thought with the actions that used to cripple me. It's hard to even digest the way my life used to be. The wasted energy on overthinking everything. I used to have to talk myself into situations or do things. Now, I am just doing and I don't even realize it was something that I fought in the past.
I am experiencing a life that isn't drenched in anger, pain, and self-loathing! I think I have truly forgiven myself! It was the one thing I could never fully grasp, or stick to. I always would circle back to that badness I survived being meant for me. As if each traumatic event, I deserved for choices I have made in my past. Gag! I refuse to ever let those types of thoughts fill one brain cell in my mind! I am so much better than that... bad shit happens to the best of us! It's not right but it's definitely not deserved. Even Karma has limits to her doings.
So, I don't have a mother or father, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins... my circle is very small. However, those in my circle are solid and fans of mine! They push me to be the best I can be. Not kick me when I am down. They cringe at any negative thoughts or actions against me. Especially, when they are self-inflicting. They want to see me shine... better yet, glowing!
"One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching"
~Gerard Way
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