Stupid Is As Stupid Does

The past several days, I have pushed myself to accomplish tasks that have weighed on me for months. Some even years. All things I was going to or meant to or would do... until one task piled onto another, and another and yes... another; until my list of to-do's became an overwhelming pile of WTF's. I had reached a point of feeling like giving up. Just not doing any of it and suffering whatever consequences came my way. The idea of that seemed far less exhausting. It would also require someone else to make a decision, vs. me. 

I have always been one to procrastinate. I found the longer I waited the less time I had to over-think or question my plan of action and final resolution. I had to just do it. Although, not the best idea for tackling projects, etc. It forced me to just get it done. It also caused my stress levels to skyrocket. I wasn't able to step away for other urgent matters or give attention to those around me. My attitude became short, snappy, and not that of someone who felt happy! 

Yeah, Yeah... I'm a poet and didn't know it! 

As I continue to self-reflect; I have to ask myself; why do I do the things I do? I have discovered that I am almost incapable of asking for help from others. I have always been proud of my independence and my ability to find a way to resolve the issue or at the very least... apply a bandaid until the following month. I rob Peter to pay Paul. A cycle; that trained my brain to be on constant alert. A puzzle in my brain with an infinite amount of pieces. Forcing me to sort, stack, and move pieces around. I could be cooking dinner, or talking on the phone... and my attention never fully present. I only recently became aware of my lack of presence in the moment. Unable to recall plans made or dates of events I agreed to be a part of. I felt as if I was losing my mind or suffering from memory loss. When in reality, it was my lack of being in the moment. I was busy putting together the puzzle. 

The more tasks I had with deadlines rapidly approaching... the faster I mentally stacked, sorted, and moved pieces around. With hopes, I would once again, reach deep into my hat and find a rabbit. Every week writing my to-do's and deadlines on the calendar and whiteboard. Reminding me what to do's were approaching and giving me plenty of time to plan my attack or seek assistance from others.

This is where I take the term "independent woman" and push it to the extreme. I initially, thought it was my pride that was the driving force behind my incapability to ask for help. Turns out it has nothing to do with my pride. I DO NOT like feeling stupid. If a situation presents itself that has the potential of causing this feeling... I will not have any part of it. I steer as clear as I can from ever having to feel that... 

Have you ever walked into a bar or a restaurant after your party had already arrived? You walk through the front doors into the open lobby area. Slowly, you begin scanning over each section, each table, each chair... looking for someone you recognize so you know which way to go. Back and forth you once again glance around. By now your heart rate has increased. There is a flutter in your stomach as you experience nervousness. Your brain is frantically trying to recall the date, time, location. Digging into your purse; unable to quickly find your cell phone. An employee is approaching... you start to panic... Then it hits you... I FEEL SO STUPID! 

I can't. I wont. I go to great lengths to ensure that situation... THAT FEELING... has no possibility of ever appearing. If I am meeting you at a certain location. I kindly request that you wait in your car until I arrive. Once I arrive. I call to find out where you are parked (if I haven't spotted you already) then I approach the vehicle so we can walk inside... TOGETHER. Something that is second nature to others has become a well-oiled machine in my mind. For those that can't grasp the concept of all of this and pull the "I am already inside. Just come in. I wont be hard to find," NOPE! I leave. I go home. I flee as fast as I can from the possibility of stupid ever happening. 

What I didn't realize, until recently, is this fear of feeling stupid has metamorphosized into something much bigger and is controlling almost every aspect of my life. If I ask someone for something or for some kind of assistance... and at any point during the beginning of my request; all the way through the entire process from agreeing to assist to the final resolution... if I feel, or sense I am causing burden, inconvenience, or any other similar adjectives... The same pattern as "feeling stupid" begins. 

The golden lining to all of this madness: The energy and fire I feel moments after.

In order to prevent me from feeling THOSE emotions, and prevent the other party from having to experience any form of discomfort... I become so focused, so determined to resolve all pending issues before ever having to speak up in a form of a request for assistance again. I become the "independent woman" who would rather remove a tree stump from her yard using a steak knife, before asking someone to borrow a saw. Laughing at my struggles; as I share the creative ways I have resolved my problems (after the fact) doesn't seem that crazy. When in reality; the constant sorting, stacking, and moving of infinite puzzle pieces is preventing me from having any real connections in life. 

The need to think out every situation in advance... to be prepared for any possible outcome... and run if the plan doesn't go accordingly... has caused me to become incapable of living in a normal state of life. To build and sustain relationships... that can break through the barriers and insecurities I have created within my mind.

So, how the heck do I stop this madness I have made up in my mind? How do I allow myself to start experiencing life without the fear of feeling something that doesn't feel right?

Just when I began to think I had a stronghold on my personal journey and was making huge strides...

There is so much for me to redo and yet, so much I want to rewind... all while I am continually moving in a forward motion; knowing if I keep focusing on the past hoping for a different ending... 

Insanity is all I will find

Purple Glowing Lights

Typically, a full moon on the horizon means a visit from overly emotional, hot mess... ME!

A night of sobbing, nonsense as I purge all the pain points in my entire life. All the same stories surrounded by feelings of confusion and the inability to find understanding into the "why's".

Over and over: my mind replaying every painful memory of events that changed my planned paths and definitions of who was I. Not something that allows for forward movement focused on the dreams and goals I set aside. A pattern and behavior that holds me down in a miserable state of self loathing and fears of never being in the right. 

My SeekingCrystalRae journey started in the beginning phases of the full moon. Makes sense that my new mindset and need for self reflection would push me to write. 

The weekend prior; I was a crying mess. Body shaking and sobbing sounds that left me unable to catch my breath. This transitioned to a numbness as I questioned all I sought in order to begin truly living. By the end of the weekend, I felt calm and a sense of certainty as to what I wanted and needed from my future partner in crime.

The skeletons of my past... Although, were removed numerous times. We're back knocking at my door. Shame, guilt and lack of personal boundaries had me opening the door to let them back in. The visits only added to my insecurities, and self doubts. Providing a tiredness that crippled me deep into the night. 

As I read through my emails; a spam message from a "gifted friend" claimed a hot bath cleanse was the much needed resolution to eliminate the evil energies attached to me. A bath.. hmmm.. seemed easy enough to at least try and she didn't request money or sucking out my soul in order to justify her words of resolve. (Not making fun or judging). 

As the full moon progressed into another phase. So did I. I openly expressed my desires to start dating again...  My mini me and daughter from another mother; told me about the latest and greatest dating site. 

Ugh... 

With immediate feelings of this being a waste of my time... I reluctantly uploaded profile pictures, answered questions and put my honest expectations as to what I was looking for. Before I could fully complete my profile and "heart" or "X" the full list of nearby single guys... DING! 

"Crystal, you have one new message and matched connection in your inbox." I squinted my eyes as I opened the notification in anticipation of whom was about to ask questions about my personal life.

Much to my surprise it was my first 'heart". Tall, dark and handsome that quickly caught my eye. His words were witty, fun, and made me laugh. My attention was all his... Congratulations to this stranger on easily taking first place!

I have spent a decent amount of hours the past few years on isolating, and being consumed by rebuilding my home.. my life! Enough time to know exactly what I was wanting, needing and this time I wasn't settling for anything less than the best.. a real man. My person! My guy! A very bestest friend to share every aspect of everything.

The very first day ... Who do you think had a date lined up and planned with Mr. TDAH!?! 

Yep... ME!

Ms. Isolation was finally geared up to socialize. 

My perfect calendar date and a set time to be picked up for a nice, relaxing, get to know one another kind of night. With no hesitation or doubts... I packed my swimsuit and headed out.

The moon in full phase. The harvest or aka Pisces Moon. Was a beautiful sight.

His Moon.

 We talked, laughed and soaked in the hot water all night. All lit up and glowing in purple lights. 

Who knew my "gifted friend" would end up being spot on.  A hot water bath cleanse was exactly what I needed to file away the past and start focusing on really. living. life.

I don't know what or whom to thank for the instant "heart" connection and all the events that have followed since that perfect date on a calendar night... But deeply, sincerely, thank you for aligning the stars and moon so I could finally experience "right".

That moon, That Man, That hot water  illuminated in purple glowing light... 

An unpredicted Noun 

Swept me away 

On a perfect night 

Basking in the glow 

Of his moonlight 

Me, Myself and Whhhyyy

 My morning started off dragging out of bed, hours earlier than I normally would but on a high note. A big interview was on the agenda and my children were quick to call and message to make sure I was up. With good wishes and a cup of coffee downed... I was off to master the interview of the job I knew was perfect for me. 

As I sat in the parking lot (minutes ahead of schedule) I went over my highlights and experiences to remind myself what to say. The front door was locked so I texted and waited nervously for a response. A half hour later I kindly thanked him for the consideration and drove off. Furious at another moment where I felt like the air was punched out of me. How could I be so pumped up just to be ditched to the extreme.

I climbed back into bed feeling low. Thinking this journey is going to be so much harder if life keeps jabbing at me. As I was drifting off back to sleep a text popped up on my phone apologizing for the miss and requested a reschedule.

Suddenly, I was once again reminded that life happens and to stop jumping into the deep end of the pool. Maybe, I need to look into yoga or something to help with my much needed "chill the eff out" techniques. 

Is it breath in the nose out the mouth ... Or vice versa?

With that my day carried on. I called my mini me to annoy her, since I knew she must be missing another phone call from her Mother.

"MESO SPIT OUT THE BEE" 

My pup likes to play with bugs... Large grasshoppers, spiders and the wasps. It's very .. strange and oddly intriguing.

Anyway, my mini me's belly laughing and instant FB post... Had me laughing at my own pup parenting!

You know... Crawling from the depths of my insecurities and forcing myself to stop being so damn afraid.... Is proving to be amazing for me! 

I find my mental processing of each scenario... Can be simplified and pumped up on the ego meter. I had no idea how many times I jump my thoughts to negativity all surrounding me.

This has to stop.

My efforts, rawness and self refections will be for nothing if I don't train my mind to be a fan of me. Crazy how the plot twist keeps headlining my name for the star role of the attraction. 

When you realize every step of your personal journey is all about you. It simplifies the problem and adds value to the boundaries you set. 

It's myself that needs reminding that me and I is necessary for any and all of this to work!

Let Go Laughing

 Today is my last carefree day as I take a plunge back into corporate America tomorrow. A pile of events the past several years left me feeling unconfident with my skills and experiences. 

Part of this journey to find myself requires I eliminate the one factor that initiated the loss of myself... FEAR! 

I have walked into a room full of overbearing, egotistical CEO'S with no prior experience of the formalities of the meeting and confidently rocked it (while wearing 5 inch heels). 

I have stood up to "alleged" drug dealing, violent guys attempting to bully my girls into relationships. (Once while wearing a bikini)

I have testified in court against my own monster and won giving me legal freedom of any contact for 10 years.

I walked away from a natural gas explosion and fire in my own home without a scratch (In nothing but a bathroom towel).

There is nothing I can't do if I set my mind to it and find excitement in the process. So the fact I have become a hermit in my life baffles me. If you were to ask anyone from my past to describe me... The quiet, silent type is far from what they would tell you. 

It's this thing called "fear" that has crippled me. Has pushed me to the brink of madness and has caused me to stop believing in myself. Okay... It didn't just put me at the brink of madness; it crowned me queen in the land of crazy with a large red flag on the gate to the kingdom. 

Not a mental picture anyone would have believed could be me ten years ago! So, I am doing whatever it takes to make fear my bitch and rock my confidence to the point of "I have life by the balls" attitude. I can have and do whatever my heart desires ... Just by waking up and going for it! 

As egotistical as that sounds... It's the pep talk and drive I need to push me beyond my current boundaries and mindset! 

I am far from having my crap together and living close enough to the railroad tracks to not have to walk far for the next train wreck in my life. 

However, I am finding it's my attitude that sucks and not my life! 

Wow! 

I'm pausing to write that statement on the bathroom mirror to remind me daily! 

Yesterday, my mini-me once again rushed to my rescue to pick me up with a gas can to go get my car that was parked miles away with the gas gauge pushed to the limits of empty. The lady at the gas station asked how my day was going and instead of griping about my situation ... I laughed! I shared how my adult daughter was rescuing her 43 year old mom who happened to run out of gas and was parked in a local watering hole parking lot. 

Not a highlight in my life and yet... It is funny! It's the type of situations I find myself in more times than not and if I'm going to make it out of this thing called life alive and living... These are the moments I need to embrace and let go laughing! 

Things happen! I am not cursed or jinxed or crazy or less than others! I am a person who likes to procrastinate and has a major dislike for the mundane task of putting gas in my car! I can thank my ex-husband for that. He spoiled me by always ensuring my tank was full, and all the other car responsibilities were taken care of. I had no idea how awesome that was. 

In the meantime, my irresponsible actions gave reason for my mini me to pick me up and gave us 20 minutes of face to face catch up time. It presented a topic of conversation between myself and a gas station cashier that made us both laugh... While probably making her feel better about any situations she was dealing with on her busy shift...

Flashback to March 21, 2010: I walked into a tattoo parlor and had the phrase "Let Go Laughing" permanently written on my left foot for me to forever see.  So why has this motto of my life eluded me? Why have I allowed myself to become so miserable in my daily life? 

I've always embraced simple. This motto and attitude is what built friendships and unforgettable moments. It's how I stayed sane during insanity and how I kept positive in a world of constant negativity.

So... Many years later I am using coconut oil to moisturize and shine my feet. To once again put this motto and reminder back into my daily life. To remind myself, when fear starts to get my head down, to look back up, and keep walking forward... Confidently and Proud! 

"Let Go Laughing"

Yep.

It's truly that simple.

I'm Just A Little Black Rain Cloud

It's a blustery day... I have the window open and the air is cool. The kind of cool that feels good and yet requires me to cover up with the comforter on my bed. The rustling of the leaves on the trees makes for great background noise, as I continue on my path of self-reflection. Summer is transitioning into fall and I couldn't be happier. I love fall colors, cooler weather, hoodies, trendy sweaters, and matching boots. Boot socks and darker shades of nail polish to tie my outfits together. 

One thing I have always been good at is "my fashion sense". Yes, I said MY fashion sense. I was never one to care what others thought of the outfits and shoes I wore. I like being loud, fashionable, and give off a slightly egotistical vibe that causes others to look. Maybe to think "wow, that girl really has her shit together" or ... "look at that hot mess" Either way; I dig the fact I have my own sense of style and I can pull off a messy bun/hoodie look or curl my hair and trend it up for a confidence booster kind of day. One of my top ten favorite lines: (from the file cabinet of "people that mean the world to me") "Those shoes are so you"... I remember thinking "What the heck is that suppose to mean?!?". 

Knowing it was said with love and realness is what makes it such an awesome thing. (LYF)

Me, myself, and I is so critical of me. So quick to revisit the mistakes I have made as core traits or the rationale to justify the behavior of others that I have grown to accept as ok. Years ago, I made myself a promise to do my best to not say things I couldn't take back that were only being said to "win" the argument or put someone down. This slowly transitioned into not speaking up to defend myself or confronting others on the things they were saying about me. Oh, the hours of drama... phone calls and verbal heated arguments from one person to the next. The follow-up calls to tell my side of the story to get those on "my side" even closer to me. Reflecting back on those moments is tiring... not a feel-good and makes me wonder why such negativity fueled me. Such a waste of air; when love and laughter could have been shared. To let them know what they mean. Truly.

There are people I miss. Ones I struggle with why they are no longer in any of the chapters of the current state of my life. It's hard to let go and even harder to convince my brain to file them away in my mental filing cabinet and lock the drawer. I can get lost in these rolling thoughts all day. So consumed by if the choices I have made were in the wrong or right. 

So, instead of spending this wonderfully, gloomy day on reasons why I hate my life... I am mentally reviewing the pros of Crystal Rae. Smiling; remembering the memories that added each item to the list. 

*Disclaimer: I do not truly hate my life.* It's just an overly dramatic way for me to express myself. I do that a lot. I haven't yet decided if that is something about myself that is a pro or a con. Haha! Baby steps ... This journey isn't going to resolve itself overnight! Right?!?!

I tasked myself with spending a day focusing on WWCND (what would crystal not do) in order to attempt to think only about me. My gosh, that sounds so selfish! Regardless, that is the mindset I need to start having. If I am going to make my dreams a reality... I have to start putting my efforts and energies into that. Me.

I shed tears... like a purge from the depths of darkness. Emotions and painful realities I wish didn't exist in my mind. Moments of "why" and "life isn't fair"! Thoughts that only hold me back and keep me believing I am less than I truly am. A reflection in the mirror; blue eyes smeared with black mascara stains. Not the girl with confidence and her own fashion sense. A girl consumed by each hairline fracture to her heart. 

When you start to focus on what it takes to start really living... it all becomes less overwhelming. There are Nouns I wish I could control and Nouns I wish I could have, but we all know the best Nouns end up being unpredicted. 

A sense of peace and calmness is what I feel today. Something I need to soak up and enjoy. Feeling frazzled and overthinking isn't a trait I want to continue to define me.

So when the moment feels ok... Embrace it.

Regardless.  

Hello - My Name Is

 

When I first began to dabble in the world of blogging... ten years ago! I had big dreams of being a writer. Sharing my life experiences in a raw form in hopes of helping others. To show that not all days are bright and cheery and not all nights are dark and lonely. 

 I was always seeking happiness and love. To me, they seem to go hand in hand. If I am in love or feeling love... I am beyond happy! Well, for a few days, few weeks, few months... it is always short-lived!    How can that be? I put so much time and energy into showing him how much he means to me! I am leaving love notes, writing poems, sharing my future goals and dreams! I am pouring my insides out to only feel rejection and invisible. I am putting my mental and physical emotions into the palm of his hands. In hopes, he will see something he is unable to let go. To be "the one"

Oh, how great that would be! 

 After a long night of twisted words and emotions; I am reflecting on the changes I need to make in order to truly experience a life worth living... and the answer is simple and yet so complicated!

I need to change ME!

 Yep... That's right... Ms. Accountability in true form. Standing in front of a mirror with a checklist on all the pros and cons of loving me. Let's back that bus up... not even loving me but liking me! What is it that I have or don't have that deems me likable? I know all of this is basic psychology and the premise to most "do it yourself" self-esteem-building books. So why is all of this a groundhog day for me?

For those that didn't catch that reference... it means my life is seemingly stuck on the same scene with the same outcome, no matter how differently I approach the day. I am not stupid, nor am I blind to the amazing qualities I bring to the table. The issue is the five-piece luggage set I have wheeling behind me. I rush to the table proud to show off what makes me "good" and automatically expect someone to grab my luggage and with no questions or doubts and pack it around for me. 

I get that was a lot to keep up within the scheme of painting you a mental picture of my dysfunctional insanity. This just proves that I am fully aware of the cons of liking me. I am afraid something in the darkest corners of my past will jump out into the open and suddenly my honesty and integrity are in question because I didn't fully disclose all the skeletons in my closet by name. 

We all have a past... some more colorful than others, but it's there! It's no surprise and it shouldn't be anything other than a road map for our own personal reference on what to do or not do again. It shouldn't be a menu item listed in bold print as the special of the day! Yet, time and time again... in glowing neon lights... for all to see! 

Yep... I have a past and the special of the day... is no longer going to be in honor of the ghosts of Crystal's past. This includes all variables and versions others have deemed of me. 

I bet at this point you are ready for the plot twist... the "then why should I read this"... what does any of these ramblings have to do with me?!? 

In the many years, I have spent self-reflecting and soul searching. My topic was outside the box. It was a fuffy cloud in the distance, which I was constantly trying to reach. This time it's different... this time it's not about tips for finding happiness, or ways to fake it until you make it. 

This time... it's about me doing what I need to do to find myself! SeekingCrystalRae (makes more sense now, doesn't it?) I have spent the majority of my life defining who I was by the people I was caring for. Being a Wife, mom, daughter, niece, best friend, employee, US citizen... 

As my children grew up into amazing adults, and life situations pushed me further and further away from my family and friends, and let's not forget the termination of my 14 years and 11-month career... What "the fudge biscuits" do I now do with me?!!?

I honestly have no clue how to go through an entire day without the consideration of someone else. The deeper I dig to find myself... the more definitions of myself I find! Each one; requiring a visit down memory lane on the pieces I miss and the parts I wish never were. The mental battle I am fighting as I process all of this... while questioning if I am filing myself away properly and right... is EXHAUSTING!!

 This path to find myself has comedy, suspense, drama, sci-fi, and lots of singing and dancing! 

You just might find something you can relate to or provide a difference in perception that allows you to see and feel the depths this journey has taken me to find myself. I honestly am not even sure if I make it out alive... so, I am just as curious as you are as to how all of this plays out.

What I know today, is that I am tired and fueled by emotions of feeling unimportant and questioning the efforts I put into other people instead of myself. Can I actually go one full day without making a decision or choice based on anything other than "is this what I want or what's best for me?"

"WWCD" or rather what would Crystal not do?

Hello, My Name is Crystal Rae and this is my journey.