"Mind Flipping" Is My Newest Favorite Thing

 Looking out my front door window, the night is a thick black. It takes me a second or two to adjust my eyesight between the glass and the depths of the darkness. Just typing that sentence brought on a sense of gloom and doom. The intenseness in the night means the winter season is coming closer. Gah! No offense to all of you winter hip hoppity's and sled jammers. I am not a fan of the winter months. This girl thrives in the glow of the hot sun. I can't recall one bad moment in my life that was in a summer month. So, put me in an element that is lacking such magical rays and I am not one to find many positives to say and become an even bigger bore! Plus summer months mean cute shorts, tank tops, and flip flops. I am a sweatshirt girl but I believe that is only because weathering requiring to wear such, needs to be due to fall air, not a must to save your skin from freezing air. Where just a few minutes in such weather could cause to turn blue and fall off. 

Why do I live where my skin could fall off? 

On my journey to rediscover myself, there is a new physical sense in this. It's not just a mentality. So, this isn't just all in my head! The location at the end of this chapter will have one sure thing... it's going to change! The way it looks, feels, smells... my entire world is about to change in every aspect. This is where I start to panic... chest tightens, my heart rate is pounding, and I suddenly feel the urge to take deeper breaths. Welcome to the land of anxiety. This is also the part where I began to sound crazy... To get me, myself and I past this moment, I talk to myself. My lips move but no sound will be heard. The sound is inside my head. "Crystal, calm down. Focus on the good... flip this to something positive!" and I will start to feel my mind racing over details, focusing on the why, and so on. "You are going to wake up and feel a sense of fresh, new". I can feel my breathing start to lessen. I don't have a need to get up and run. In a matter of two sentences, I am getting closer back to my calm state. Something that in the past would have caused a night, or hours of overthinking, crying, and self-loathing... was considered, addressed, focused, and flipped.

Mind flipping, eh?

I kinda just made that term up as I was typing... so I feel a sense of pride. Mind flipping... the updated version of glass half full. I dig it! If you were to go back and read my blogs entries at the beginning of this journey, a few months ago... the entire blog would be about thinking positives, talking kindly to myself, and how the words we say out loud impact who we become... a little surreal to me now! 

Folks, I think I am going to be a real kid someday!

I also have to take a minute to say... how incredibly cool these techniques and educational tools are to assist with mental happy! I don't care who you are... everyone has something that could use a dose of vitamins for that gray matter between your ears. How cool, we are at a point we are openly talking about it. Whatever it is! I know for me to be so raw and real in these wide-open spaces, was difficult initially. Now, I still find moments where I type, pause to process what I was sharing, and decide if I was okay with that. The great thing about the internet... what you say today, will forever be out there. Either as a timeline towards greatness, or an emotional state of mind that wasn't so in focus and your words or mental image provided... has something that will come back to bite you! 

The minute I was told I had complex post-traumatic stress disorder, I craved to know anything and everything about it. I wasn't raised in a family that believed in anything other than normal and crazy. If you didn't walk, talk or dress exactly like they thought you should... you were crazy! No way were we going to openly discuss brain injuries, depression, addiction, etc. I mean after all, What would the neighbors think? To openly admit you had such, meant you were weak. If you willingly took meds to help with any of these "conditions" meant you were a drug addict. Getting help to get healthy was not something that was ever supported!

Sad, so sad!

Not only have I learned so much about brain injury, the various elements that can impact a brain's health, and how to keep it fit and active... the more I want to share! The first month I began this journey and something good would happen, I would smile and conveniently, remind myself this is what they said would happen. Now, that I have seen the positives and negatives surrounding the choices I am making and those I allow in my life... it feels natural to speak in a happier tone. It also means I have no patience for those that aren't a value add in my life. I no longer have any lingering emotions towards, giving a crap if their feelings get hurt or not! I didn't sign up to turn my heart, mind, and soul upside down and inside out just so I could get halfway and allow old patterns and behaviors to pull me back. I desire a life of simple and yet, joyous. One that feels good every day, not just the ones I have to force to maintain. 

The universe has been providing me a good butt warming in the aspect of "letting go". The more I understand this, the more it keeps taking from me. It's as if I know what the lesson to be learned truly means and I agree out loud but deep in my soul, you can hear laughing... "yeah right!"

I am sentimental, and I have thousands of files in my mental filing cabinet that are in support of that. To let go of someone or something... I have to erase chapters in my past. It's not just detaching from a name, a person... it's never listening to a certain song again, or having a drink at that bar, it's hating a color, a candy bar, or even a state. I could go years without a person's memory rolling by and a flower or scent will suddenly bring them back to the present. Creating a day of remembering someone I had worked so had to always forget. 

There has got to be another way besides letting go! There has got to be a solution to how I can move past certain nouns and not have to rip apart every fiber of my being. Hmmm. Maybe, instead of letting go... I mind flip! Stay focused on how I feel about myself, what my goals are, and not let anyone or anything take me away from that state of mind. I also do not have to go out of my way for those that have shown time and time again what types of people they truly are. 

Remove the emotion from the moment and focus on my needs, desires, and wants. 

You would think that would be easy... but for those of us that are kind and real... that statement is selfish. Selfishness is not a feel-good for me. I have moments there and then I wonder if my selfishness was justified. So with that, there is also a need for understanding as to what is good selfishness and what is not. 

There is a fine line between the sel and ness.... Hey, look who caught a fish!!! hahaha!

When I reach a point of eating by myself, watching tv by myself, showering by myself, sleeping by myself, myself, myself ... being okay by myself. Then I will truly know I am ready for the next stage. I don't want to spend life by myself... but I also do not want to waste any more time being focused on anything outside of me. I am going to be a best-selling #1 author. I am going to land a job that pays me to do what I love! This will lead me to the independence and lifestyle I long for. I love everyone (except for like 2 people in the world) and I am kind, caring, and generous! I can continue to be this... just less in the form of my presence and time. 

Today, one of my articles 'Dating Diary of a 40 Something Year Old' was handpicked for you by a vocal team member as a top story! How damn cool is that??? 

Dating Diary of a 40 Something Year Old | Confessions (vocal. media)

Good things are coming for those that have the passion and drive to go after it! 

So, I can't wait for the reveal of my location change. 

I can't wait to get this selfishness to the proper setting. 

I can't wait for my next milestone on the vocal journey.

I can't wait... 

"You can excited about the future. Your past wont mind" ~Hillary Depiano

I Know You Are... But What Am I?

 I have found myself once again in the cycle of stressing over things beyond my control. Feeling overwhelmed and panicked about where my life is about to go. If I have learned anything along this journey to find myself it would be that whatever is meant to be, will be! That is it... plain and simple! Although, I know the emotions and worries tied to the unknown don't feel all that simple. This is where I have to keep training the gray matter between my ears to stop playing all the possible worst-case scenarios over and over. This does nothing but send my anxiety into overdrive. Not a state of being that aligns with forward motion. These thoughts only keep me idle and unfocused. Which in return promotes talks with myself that are unfavorable and unkind. If I am going to stay on track with my positive self-reflection and maintain the progress I have already made... I have to practice making a plan of action and not worry about what is outside of my control. As much as I have despised the phrase "It is what it is", it is a spot-on statement. The words couldn't be wiser.

It truly is what it is... I know, kills me a little inside to even admit it! 

That is it, no more and no less. This is where I begin the brain training to keep reminding me, myself, and I, to stop having expectations of others, and to focus on what I can control. My thoughts, my actions, and the words I say out loud. What I am projecting into the universe for future goals. To let go of everything! I mean everything... past, present, and future! The more baggage I hold on to... the harder my climb to the next chapter of my life will be. It is imperative I stop making things so hard on me! Life doesn't have to be a challenge in order for me to be successful. Also, how I feel about myself takes precedence over all others. I am an adult and what others think of me is really none of my business. It's just another layer I don't need to add to my pile. Another element that is outside of my control. It doesn't matter what I do or say... there will always be someone who strongly differs and is not a fan of mine. 

Not my circus, not my monkeys

The more I put these ideas into my daily way of thinking... the quicker I will find myself living in the land of happy happy! It truly is a strange concept to process... I am capable of doing whatever it is I want to do in my adult life. If I decided to become a criminal, I get to own that choice, I also get to own the negative consequences with it. If I decided to run off and join the circus... again, my choice! There will always be supportive "nouns" that will be on board with whatever makes me happy. However, they are just as guilty as the rest, in gossiping about the choices they were so supportive of! The cycle never stops to rest! Even the best of best "nouns" are guilty of falling into this. 

Do you want to know the key to living a life you desire... 

    Stop inviting people into your personal business!!!

I get this is not a simple task, and initially may feel cold to put into action... but it is what has to happen if you want things to happen in your life that aligns with your passion and dreams. 

I might be having the worst possible day ever and when my children stop by to visit I focus on the positives and provide little details to the what's, why's, or who's. I guarantee one out of my three children would have something negative to say about the path I am following. I am the adult. I am responsible for the choices I make... Good, Bad, or Indifferent! 

My children just want to know I am healthy, happy, and safe. Anything beyond those conditions opens the door to them feeling worried, nervous, or guilty about me living by myself. Let me tell you empty nesting is not what it is cracked up to be. It takes some time to relearn living a life that is completely opposite of the image when they were the parent's responsibility to raise.  Now my children are parents and there is a struggle to define who is parenting who. 

I can tell you, I found myself going a little stir crazy not having someone to vent to when things took a turn to the left. I started talking to myself out loud. I wrote letters to those that hurt or upset me (which I never send)... whatever it takes to push through the moment and not let the "nouns" in on my stress. Sure, it feels good to vent at the moment, but not so good days or months down the road when the topic is once again presented to you in the form of their thoughts and opinions. Something that could have been processed with just me, myself, and I is now a topic of discussion. You also know, this means your issue has now traveled beyond just the listener's ear. So there is a long line of people that are playing the telephone game regarding you. The facts never stay the same and the story never comes out true.

No thank you!

The next important piece of advice... stop talking badly about the people you love to other people!

A little fun fact... there are always three sides to the story... hers, his, and the truth! People only share their perspective and it typically favors what they say or do... 

When the "nouns" in my life attempt to pull me into this dirty triangle, I do my best to turn the venting session around and focus on the positives of what is being shared. To add insight from an outsider's perspective on the bigger picture. 

How does that old saying go? If we all tossed our problems into a circle, after seeing everyone else's problems, we would gladly pick back up our own. 

As human beings, we crave attention, we crave connection... all things that can still be fulfilled... just in a different aspect! Seek attention and connection in the form of value adds. 

I know this is a lot to digest and even more to put into practice in everyday life but if you have the right mindset and maintain awareness of what you do and say... the day will come when you don't even realize you are living and breathing all of this, effortlessly! 

You know who will notice, though... Everyone!

"You had a purpose before anyone had an opinion" ~unknown

You can find more of my creative writing and poetry here: 

Crystal Rae | Vocal

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I heart all of you!

Even The Man In The Moon Has Something To Tell Me

 I woke up at 1:36 am today, with the signs and symptoms of having a head cold. Yes, such things do still exist! As I have mentioned before, I have been spending a lot of time with my littles (grandbabies) and they have all been snotty, coughing, walking germs the past few weeks. I am glad they are on the mend but it seems I may have caught something... dang their cute faces! I am popping vitamins and cold medicine like crazy to attempt to get ahead of it but it sure is putting up a good fight! I so despise having the sniffles! Makes me feel like I am five years old! 

So as I lay in my bed this morning, grunting and groaning with all of my symptoms... I decided to read my emails. There was one that caught my attention from one of my newest, dearest physic friends who has begun to spam my inbox. I don't lead my life based on what my horoscope says, or believe in most of the emails sent to me. I do, however, like to compare what they say to my current life situations. I think it's fun and makes me think when they are actually pretty spot on. This one is claiming that it is actually your moon sign that predicts your future and provides the most accurate reading on what type of person you are and how to use the knowledge to get ahead in life. 

Enlighten me, my dear future seeing friend!

After providing my birthdate and sign... a video was sent to me describing what the moon phase on the day I was born meant to me. I was actually shocked as to how spot-on it described me. I was born in the moon phase of a crescent moon. This meant I was a very emotional person who clings to those who have passed away and those in my circle. Especially, my children. It went on to explain if I was going to prosper in the future, I had to let go. This has been the one thing I have struggled with. I have written about this with my recent empty-nesting status and not sure how to live in a state of all about me! I also just had my second story published which was in dedication to my grandpa's birthday who passed away four years ago. So I would say that letting go is spot on for me. I just am not certain how to go about that. 

Trust me... I have tried practically everything!

There is just something that hit differently hearing it on the video. It was as if it was a reminder that it is okay for me to stop focusing on others and make it all about me. Now was my time to shine and do what I want with my life. I did my part and my children are outliving their lives... it doesn't make me a bad mother to let them be to do so. It also doesn't make me a bad person to focus on my passions and do what drives me. I have stated this so many other times...  I keep thinking if I say it out loud enough, I will actually live by it! 

Fingers crossed!!!

I am a nurturing person. I love caring for others. Cooking, cleaning, being affectionate, and doing things to show how much they matter. By doing such things... actually makes me feel good. So not having my children or a significant other to take care of, is hard on me. I am getting better I think but still have work to do to get me where I need to be. 

My goodness, this head cold is kicking my butt today! 

So I am off to rest some more and keep focusing on letting go. To not waste my energy on things I no longer have control over. 

To start putting more time and energy into me, myself and I... or at the very least try. Funny, that I would say that when the biggest motto in my life is "there is no trying, you either do or you don't" so I guess I am go to do! 

There Is No Stopping Me... So, Why Even Try?

 I am tired of these feelings I battle that tell me I am unworthy, or not good enough. They are not emotions I am able to process without beating myself up. I know what I want and what I desire from me, myself, and I in the future state... let me tell you, it's going to be nothing other than great! 

How can it not be?

All of my self-reflections, and paths I am clearing on my journey, are proving to fuel my confidence and bring out a bit of cockiness along the way! What can I say? I am learning how freaking awesome I am and for those that don't feel the same... step aside and make room for those that do. I recently posted on a social media site the following: 

Happy 11:11 to all of my exes... I know what you wished for today! 

This presented a moment of jealousy and feelings getting hurt because someone felt it was an attack against them or stated just to cause them pain. First of all, it was a post made as I was feeling good about myself and I thought it was funny and also possibly factual. I am sorry if it made others feel bad... but the fact it did, only supported what I had stated. I know I am far from perfect, but I am perfect for someone out there that is meant for me. My highs are high and my lows are low. I know it is not too much to ask for that special someone to understand those emotions or learn the best ways to deal with me at the moment. I just know, I am not willing to water myself down to make others feel comfortable anymore. What I am feeling, is what I am feeling and I don't have to make excuses, or silence myself for the sake of others. I won't! I can't! It is far too exhausting!

The other day, a lady met with me to walk through my home and see if she was able to help me out of my situation by either purchasing it from me or taking over the loan until it was worth it to her to sell it and make money. Of course, the end result is to benefit her. That is how she makes her living! She was very kind and gentle with her words... but she still said something that shook me. In walking around and taking pictures, she said "I bet this used to be a really nice place"! Instantly, my insides began to twist and a knot formed in my throat, making it difficult to breathe! 

She has no clue what this house has taken from me...

Yet, I know all too well, that her words were not stated in malice nor were they meant to cause me harm. Yet, they did... so quickly! The current state of my home was two years in the making. So, although to her, my home required so much work to get to a sellable shape, she had no idea the struggles, and strides I had made to get to where it is today. The blood, sweat, and tears I have shed while working so hard to make my home, once again... a place I was proud to say I lived, even as bad of shape it currently is in!

That is why I am now rocking confidence that I have never held on to before. An emotional state that was easily lost with words of negativity and put-downs by those I swore to always love. The people that mattered most to me, at that moment in time, were the first to attempt to hold me down and let me believe I was less than I truly am! Why? Who knows.... you would have to ask them! I certainly am not wasting any more of my precious time trying to figure out what causes them to be so... them! 

The fears and uncertainty I currently am wrestling with are so consuming. What once used to be thoughts of what could possibly be... are now in my face, presented in the form of question marks, and are surrounding me. So, if I have moments of over-the-top confidence, or feeling like a million dollars... then freaking let me! Let me have the moments that feel good and support a healthier version of me. Stop trying to knock me down because of what you think or feel. Your thoughts and emotions are not owned by me and in my current state... have no merit in being real. 

No one will ever know how far I have truly come. The nights I have had to fight to force myself to stand up. To look at my reflection in the mirror with love and dismiss the thoughts and feelings of self-loathing. 

No one... and I mean no one... has any idea the price I have paid to finally truly, deeply, love me! 

"You will meet two kinds of people in your life: the ones who build you up and the ones who tear you down. In the end, you will thank them both!" ~unknown

Objects In The Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear

 Today, it happened! I took one of the first of many steps to making my dream of being a published writer come true. I know it's not big league yet... but it's there. My first article is under an advice section for families. Don't believe me... check it out yourself! 

Me, Myself & Why | Families (vocal.media)

For me, this isn't just one of my daily rants on a website... it's me taking the plunge to put myself out there. Opening myself to criticism and thoughts regarding the words I use to formulate sentences. All tied around my personal journey. The real raw side of my feelings regarding topics that have presented feelings on the negative end of the spectrum in the past. I am really doing this. I am really, really doing it! It's so easy to have a passion in your heart and speak of a future state of it possibly happening. It's another when you find the effort and time you have been pushing into long hours of the night... aren't for nothing! 

I also think it is pretty cool all of this kicked off on the day of my grandpa's birthday. Happy Heavenly 81st Birthday to you. I wish you could be here so I could call you and tell you all about it! I know you wouldn't understand the concept of it but you were always one of my biggest supporters... 

When I was living with my grandparents prior to moving into my first home, I told my grandpa about my blog and he told me he wanted to read my daily rants. However, it wasn't real computer savvy so he asked me to print them out. Each morning he would have my blog printed in front of him as he drank his morning coffee, reading. When I would get home at the end of the day, he would always say the same thing "I read your book thing and Crissy, it was really good"! I always thought that was so cool. Not any of my other family members took an interest, but he did! 

I am not sure if I want to cry, jump up and down, or sleep! I am so dang proud of myself for reaching the first level. Now, the work continues to write, write and write until I make it yet to another website and another. Building my portfolio with various types of creative writing examples. Another few months from now and it will be beyond a blank slate. I can't wait to watch myself and grow with my writing topics and styles. This is a learning experience for me as well. Finding the topics I can provide the most relatable experiences. To share the good, bad and ugly in hopes someone will have a takeaway that adds value. 

I need this in my life. I need to take the one thing I have always loved to do and make it my day to day reality. It's strange to have a passion for writing. When you are an artist and you paint, or build, or sing... people can grasp that and feel it. When you are a creative writer, most just think its a form of homework or a lot of english. You have to be one who appreciates the mental image that is placed in that gray matter between your ears. You get to experience feelings and emotions based on black ink on a white piece of paper. No pictures! No stimulation other than the words. How cool is that? 

As, I stated before... I don't know where I am going to land in the next few months but I know its going to be in a direction that feels good. That provides food to my soul and lets me wake each day with a love for my life and me, myself and I. I have worked hard to get to this state and this place in my life. I am ready... and honestly, I can't wait! 

Thank you to all of those Nouns that have been supportive and continue to encourage my passion. 

It's all starting to happen! 

"Don't tell me the sky is the limit, when there are footprints on the moon" ~Paul Brandt

My Superpower: Being The Mom Of One Incredible Boy

 As an empty nester, I always look forward to any opportunity to hang out with my children. Especially, one on one time. I was presented one of these opportunities yesterday with my son. The day prior, some lady driving an escalade, ran a solid red light and hit my vehicle at 40 mph. Thankfully, everyone was "okay"... I mean as much as one can be after being in such an accident. Anyways... My son picked me up to run a few errands since I am now without a vehicle. At one of the local drug stores, I got out of his vehicle and noticed my feet were unbalanced. The ground was not solid under my feet. After a quick glance... I had stepped in the middle of someone's regurgitated lunch! OMG!!! So disgusting! I could barely contain myself! I wasn't certain if I was going to follow suit or cry! I found a grassy area to clean off my shoes and head inside the store with my son. We finished our mission and I climbed back into his vehicle, which he so kindly backed out for me so I could avoid, the Ewww! As he drove away he said, "Mom, you have the worst luck, did you walk under a ladder or what"! This presented a perfect moment for him and me to have a deep conversation. Being my baby boy, even though he is over 6ft tall, and about to turn 20, he doesn't really get emotional or talk about in-depth things much with his Mother. I told him to google natural gas explosions... the pictures would show the frame where a house previously stood. Any unlucky by standards inside would be found miles away and usually dead. I walked away from mine without a scratch and the house was still intact! It's all about perspective. I told him I was certain nothing but good would come from all of this. He laughed at me... "What good is going to come from having puke on your shoes, Mom??"

Well played son! Well played! 

Our conversations continued into a discussion about my current relationship and others from the past. I explained how my expectations, needs, wants, and desires are different this time. I am different this time! I told him that I finally was at peace with events from my past. I wasn't sure what the future held for me but I was going to embrace every moment in the now with my Mr. TDAH. I no longer was being held a prisoner to pain or anger from the last. I was at peace with all of it. His words that came next, made me realize what an amazing soul I had raised... "Mom, stop putting expectations on people beyond what they have already shown you. A liar will always lie, a thief will always steal, a cheater will always cheat... see them for what they are and stop trying to see anything other than what they have shown you they are"! 

WOW! Thanks for that son!

I have spent far too many years believing there was good in people that were not good! I was reminded of this with a visit from my past. I knew nothing good would come from listening to anything that comes from his mouth but curiosity got the best of me. So, stupid me... listened! What I will say is, my son was spot on, and any person that claims to care about you doesn't spew words that attempt to cause one's self-worth harm! Of course, it was all about how I did him wrong. Of course, it was all about me being less than I claim to be. Of course, everything he had to say... was reflective of jealously, and needing to put me down. How can he attempt to get me back if I am not crawling from the gutters he kicked me down into? If I have one ounce of self-worth... then guess what... I see him for what he is and have no interest in having anything to do with him! The person in front of me today, was nowhere near the person I had made myself believe he was. Sad really and yet so freeing to feel nothing! I no longer own any part of his story and I am glad for that! My reflection in the mirror is no longer jaded by others' negativity and insecurities! The past can no longer hurt me!

Hurt People Hurt People ~ Song by The Script

Some born with a blessing, some born with a curse
Some have it better, yeah, some have it worse
Some are thinking forward but they have it in reverse
No matter how bad it gets, it can always get worse
Some people lie for it, some people even die for it
They would take your f-in life for it
Some people pay the man in the sky for it
You measure the heart by the size of the man
I measure the man by the size of the heart 
We ain't perfect, this is who we are
Help me see the light in the dark
Hurt people, they hurt people, yeah, hurt people, they hurt people 

The past few days, the accident has forced me to spend quite a bit of time resting. We all know, any amount of time I am idle, that gray matter between my ears goes into overdrive. Once again filling my head with lies. Although I had to fight back the "why me and life isn't fair" thoughts... for the most part, my head was spot on with the conversations I had with me, myself, and I! I am no longer the person I was a year ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. My self-reflection and need to rediscover myself have me growing every day! An event like my accident would have been an excuse for me to self-destruct in the past. This time, my focus was on getting healthy and thinking of all the solutions to my car problem. I have decisions to make regarding my home, employment, and other adulting that require me to stay sane. Don't get me wrong... I might be a tad crabbier than usual with my injuries and inability to do things without grunting like an 80-year-old lady! I also find myself tired of the constant fight to get me where I need to be. However, the bounce back and thoughts are far healthier than past me would have put forth. I have no desire to stay down! I have no interest in anything other than learning what I need to from all of this to ensure it doesn't happen again! So, maybe my luck is unlucky to most... to me... I keep proving I am actually one of the luckiest! 

All of this presented a moment in time for me to connect with my son. How lucky is that? To hear and process his words of advice and soak up just how damn brilliant he is! All of my children are really. What does that say about me? If I raised such incredible beings... then that must mean... I am the ruler of the land of incredible! I love with full force and I take on much more than any person should... but I am badass that way! This is just another event that I will figure out how to come out ahead of it all! Regardless, of how tired I am... I can't stop what it is I do best!  

I know without a doubt... Good is going to come from all of this! My next chapter will be about my success story, not about the girl her past tried to bend and break. 

I am real! I am badass! Sorry, not sorry, if that bothers those of you that are fake! 

"What defines us is how well we rise after falling" ~ Conor McGregor

Happy 20th Birthday (11/6) to my son, Jonathan Michael "Money Murdock"! I love you so very much and am so proud of the man you are becoming. You inspire me to rock my confidence and push myself past my limits to make my dreams come true! I promise... the very first signed copy of my published book goes to you!

Someone Please Pinch Me...

 

Have you ever had one of those out-of-body dreams? The ones that are so deep and intertwined within every piece of you? You actually feel each second of the hard slumber. I woke startled, uncertain as to where I was. My dream state was so real, so intense, I was certain I was miles from my bedroom. The disappointment I felt when I discovered I was in my own bed. I am becoming more aware of all of my senses. The positivity is fueling my mind with thoughts beyond my control. Pushing my subconscious to the front of that gray matter between my ears. Providing sensual thoughts. Moments in the extreme. Unleashed with the freedom to be and do as I feel. To be real! My soul beckons me, myself, and I to FEEL! Not to second guess my thoughts, ideas, wants, or desires! A state of being that I have also longed for. To have no fear of all that is inside... for so long contained... the lock has been broken on the cage! 

As I was walking into the grocery store yesterday, a young lady walked from behind me and as we reached the cart area, she made a sound... one comparable to what a hot woman would hear walking past a group of construction workers. The type of sound that made me instantly realize, she was highly impressed with the look of me! I began to turn red. I hadn't gotten dressed up. Nor was I rocking any smell goods. Yet, there I was... being hit on! I couldn't help but feel flattered. She was gorgeous! I stumbled to get a cart with her standing so close to me. She had no problem making her attraction for me known. Typical me, I had to move past the awareness I was experiencing by getting away from the moment as quickly as possible. "Thank-you, for the boost to my self-esteem", I said. She responded, "I didn't mean to be so blunt, there is just something about you. I can't put my finger on it... you make me want to stare at you! It's like there is something flowing out of you! You're glowing"!

Instant Smile... 

This is the part where the cry baby in me, feels the need to shed a tear! The road I have been on to rediscover me, myself and I, has been a challenge. I have these days filled with clarity and happiness followed by a deep urge to self-sabotage. Can you imagine the battle is has been to hold that back? To convenience myself that all the forward motion is in the right and that I deserve an amazing life. Forcing myself, once again into a state of uncomfortable. I refuse to let the past history and cycles I followed, once again, own me! I have always been fearful of what others thought of me (to a certain degree) especially, my family! The judgment, the criticism, the use of sarcasm as a form of love. The sarcasm part still has roots that bind me. That is the topic of focus for me, in the present. Stop using sarcasm as a way to hide what I am really feeling. Sarcasm is another form of having walls. To say things in a way that kind of has meaning but quickly backtracks to prevent any opportunity to experience rejection, or feeling stupid. The Nouns in my circle have lifted me into a state of doing and saying whatever it is that I feel and to do so without any form of negatives or consequences. 

It has been the greatest emotional state I could have ever dreamed of being really, real! 

I am focusing on my senses during the "in-betweens". I am living in a state of awareness of my presence in the present. I am putting thought into others' wants and desires to leave a positive impact. All while still setting healthy boundaries for my own personal growth and healing process. The self-confidence I have is getting hard to contain. All reflective with my singing, dancing, and lack of thought with the actions that used to cripple me. It's hard to even digest the way my life used to be. The wasted energy on overthinking everything. I used to have to talk myself into situations or do things. Now, I am just doing and I don't even realize it was something that I fought in the past.  

I am experiencing a life that isn't drenched in anger, pain, and self-loathing! I think I have truly forgiven myself! It was the one thing I could never fully grasp, or stick to. I always would circle back to that badness I survived being meant for me. As if each traumatic event, I deserved for choices I have made in my past. Gag! I refuse to ever let those types of thoughts fill one brain cell in my mind! I am so much better than that... bad shit happens to the best of us! It's not right but it's definitely not deserved. Even Karma has limits to her doings. 

So, I don't have a mother or father, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins... my circle is very small. However, those in my circle are solid and fans of mine! They push me to be the best I can be. Not kick me when I am down. They cringe at any negative thoughts or actions against me. Especially, when they are self-inflicting. They want to see me shine... better yet, glowing! 

"One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching"

~Gerard Way