When you live and breathe a constant state of self-reflection and are continually, mentally mapping out the next destination in your journey... moments develop that seems to be lost in time. I found myself breaking out some pretty, insanely, horrible dance moves in my kitchen this morning. The more I danced, the sillier I felt which resulted in laughter! I found myself laughing at myself! How does that famous quote go... "Laughter is truly the best medicine"? I can't argue that! It's in those moments when I realize I am genuinely rocking my belly muscles, that I feel carefree. There aren't a million things circling around in my head. I am not questioning everything about myself or what I want to be when I grow up. I am still, present in that moment and loving every minute of it!
If you were given the opportunity to glimpse into your future... would you? I find myself thinking about where I am going to land after I sell my home in the next few months. With no strings attached at this point in my life. Would moving away from this town be a good idea for me? Don't get me wrong... the idea of being in a different town than my Peeps and Littles; isn't a feel-good for me but so much in this town isn't either. I want to live in the land of happy, happy! I want to experience things I didn't have the chance to with being a young, single Mom. I also have a deep desire to see my creative writing in "kind of a big deal" type of magazine. Without a college education... I won't have as many opportunities as other states could provide.
I know happiness is a state of mind. I know it has to come from within me... but I truly think the environment is a huge part of it all, as well! If I walk out my front door and I felt sunshine and could see water on the horizon... happiness would be glowing from me! Yet, another part of me thinks staying to be near those that add value and joy to my heart and soul... is just as great of a choice! Hence, the longing to see a glimpse of the future state of me. I am tired of being the one to make all the decisions. I am depleted of the energy necessary to keep battling the daily fights associated with homeownership and adulting. My Mini-Me is trying her darndest to bring out the badass in me. "Mom, you need to start reminding yourself who you are and level up"!
Ok... ok, I get it!
I am not a stupid person. I know there isn't a Knight on a white horse in route to save me... and let's be honest, even if there was... I would consider his intentions, a slap in the face, to my independence and would not be seen riding off into the sunset with him. I am a hopeless romantic. I am a huge fan of love stories and happily ever afters. The emotion I feel inside surrounding the idea of having something of the sort in my life... makes me want to cry! The full moon has passed, so I am not sure what all of these blubberings are still pouring out from. I wish I had the answers to all of these "why's". Maybe, it's the sense of losing control of major elements in my life that are spiraling me into a tornado of tears. Whatever trigger is causing all of this... I wish it would STOP!
I am not sad, nor am I depressed. In-between my water work sessions... I am walking down by the river; watching Meso run and smell everything in her path. I am singing, dancing, and painting sea creatures on the baby shark wall. I am writing out all of my "ta do's" on the whiteboard for the week. I am busy... and yet, I feel like I am standing still! This part of my journey, where I am spending quite a bit of time by myself... has its days where it weighs on me. It's not like I made a conscious effort to ensure I am getting all this quality 1:1 time. There isn't anyone I could call or ask to spend time with me. Everyone either has obligations that prevent them from getting away, or they are making a choice to do things, that does not include me. I am doing my best to remove the feeling from my questions and to just focus on the facts.... but that is such a hard thing to do. Especially, when I am already tormenting myself with all of these mini emotional meltdowns.
I wish I could hit the fast-forward button in the current state of my life. To the part where I finally benefit from all the hard work and lessons learned from the times I struggled. My name on my first published book. A home that provides safety and security to calm my fears. The Man of my dreams; building a healthy, happy future with me. I know at some point, all my desires and passions are going to provide a win for me... I am just impatient with the timing it's taking to get there. Again, I know everything will happen just as it's meant to be when it's meant to be... and when it does, I will be ready for all of it!
"Two things define us. Our patience when we have nothing and our attitude when we have everything" ~unknown
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