An Apology Letter To Me

I was given a gift yesterday by my mini-me. It was a journey set with a "Leo" theme. For those of you that may not know, that is my astrology sign. This gift made me tear up as it was of course a toolset for writing and included a theme of the stars. All of which I love. So, thank you again to my mini-me for such a thoughtful gift. She texted me this morning to start off my day by writing an apology letter to myself. I have written letters to myself and even saved them to read years later. This challenge she had sent me was much different. I don't think I have ever thought about writing an apology letter to myself. I was intrigued and ready to take on her challenge. 

I mean why not? 

I am all about tools that encourage personal growth and help me on my journey to be the best version of me that I can be. As part of my journey to find myself and document my path along the way, this also means sharing my apology letter to me with all of you.

 Dear Crystal Rae, 

I hope you had a wonderful New Year's eve. After all, you have been through the past few years... you deserved a night that was filled with love and laughter. I want you to know that I was thinking of you and I have a lot I would like to say. First of all, I want you to know that I am truly sorry for not standing by your side and being your biggest fan the last few years. I know you counted on me so many times and each time I let you down. I allowed the negativity and words of others to sway me in a direction that I know made you feel invisible, unworthy, and unlovable. It breaks my heart to think about all the times you lay on the bathroom floor sobbing because you didn't understand why I hated you. Looking back now, I felt embarrassed as to how badly I treated you. I guess I assumed you had to be to blame if so many people around you wanted nothing to do with who you were becoming. I can clearly see now that it was truly their insecurities and lack of self-worth that caused them to pull away. There was never anything wrong with you. You have to understand that your confidence, dreams, and fierce independence were viewed as a threat and in order to make themselves feel better, they had to knock you down. If everything you said and believed was true, then that made them look and feel bad because it would require them to grow up and be better in order to keep you. 

Please don't take my statements as ways to justify my actions or lessen the pain I caused you. I am fully aware I am to blame for how quickly and deeply you fell. The scars on your arms, legs, and heart are mine to own. When everything felt dark and made no sense... I should have lifted you up, praised you for how far you had come and all the messed up situations you not only survived but kept pushing yourself to learn from it all and not be a victim of it all. I am sure no one would have blamed you for playing the victim card and giving up. You have always known your potential but it was me telling you to not go for it. That you were not strong enough, smart enough, or good enough to make your dreams come true. Instead of embracing you and all the goodness inside your heart and mind... I fed your mind with all the reasons you should feel guilty, bad about yourself, and even pushed you to attempt to take your own life.

I am so very glad you are still here today. The passion you lived by. The love you give despite all you have been through and all that you have lost is something most should learn from you. I have watched you set healthy boundaries and then cry because it felt selfish and you didn't want that for you. 

Crystal, you are not selfish. You are, however, smart, beautiful, beyond words sexy and funny too. You have brought so much light in a world of darkness and I truly hope you are able to forgive me for not believing in you. I know you do not owe me another chance, but if you do. Please know there will never be another moment I will not stand up for you. I am here and I am your biggest fan. I will keep pushing you to follow your dreams no matter how hard it gets or how many others think you are too old or can't see all that you are capable of doing. I have faith in you and I know you will reach your dream of being a best-selling author. 

I know you can do whatever it is you set your mind to. So again, dear Crystal. I am truly sorry for all the times I let you down and believed you were not lovable or worth anything. You are beyond lovable, you are worth more than you fully know. Don't worry, I am right here to make sure you do not forget it and proudly watch you as you do what you do. 

Happy New Year to you Crystal. I truly hope you can forgive me for all I have done. I promise you my words are true and my actions will never make you question my love for you again. 

You are so amazing and those that don't know it, soon will. Those that did and hurt you, still know it and regret it. Trust me... you are that big of a deal!

Love always,

ME

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I must admit, that really felt great to write and read to myself. I know I have been through so much but I haven't taken the time to say I am sorry and truly forgive myself for the things I did. If you haven't written yourself an apology letter yet... please take the time to do so. Even if you write it, and burn it so no one ever knows... the most important person will. 

You, Your Heart & Your Soul! 

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Happy 2022 to all of you! Please don't forget to follow my path on Vocal as well. I need your eyes reading to keep my fingers typing... 

Crystal Rae | Vocal

Dear Ghosts of My Christmas Past

I wanted to write you and say thank you for keeping your word and once again making an appearance just as you said you would. Although, your face is different and your voice has changed... the message you have to deliver is the same. 

Fueled by emotions of jealousy, resentment, and explained using words that cause pain. Your goal is to bring up a time that is no longer. The things you said this year, although, harsh and rude, don't have the same impact as last year. This year I am stronger. I know my worth and I also know the value of biting my tongue. There is nothing I can say or do to change your perception of me. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you anyways!

I may not be in attendance at your holiday celebrations, nor will I receive words of cheer. 

However, it still is a beautiful season and you deserve to have a heart filled with love, a voice echoed with laughter, and a presence of embraces and hugs. It might never be me who is near you when the tree lights are plugged in, or exchanging updated stories on what we have missed since we last met. I am okay with that and I am pretty sure you are too. Please don't let your perception of me bring you down this holiday season. I know you will not impact mine. So see, this will work out perfectly fine! 

There was a point in time, I truly cared about you and held you within my heart... I guess you weren't aware of that... but when it comes to gossip, how could you be? You jumped on a bandwagon that deemed I had put you down. You obviously do not know me or you would have asked around. You would have not chosen to slander my name or spit out nasty words. 

I can promise you this... once you discover the truth, you are going to feel pretty absurd! 

Don't worry, I will not rub this in your face or even say I told you so... I will simply smile and hope that the past has no further places to go. That maybe you will learn that not all who stand by your side are honest or good, that maybe... just maybe... they purposely pulled you in and lied. 

Don't get upset, I too once fell for the game and got lost in the gossip, until I realized who they were and watched how much effort they applied to hurt others in spite... 

My future friend... it's sick, and not right!

So cheers to you... I wish you a Holiday season filled with love, laughter, and most of all... a slice of humble pie!

"Mind Flipping" Is My Newest Favorite Thing

 Looking out my front door window, the night is a thick black. It takes me a second or two to adjust my eyesight between the glass and the depths of the darkness. Just typing that sentence brought on a sense of gloom and doom. The intenseness in the night means the winter season is coming closer. Gah! No offense to all of you winter hip hoppity's and sled jammers. I am not a fan of the winter months. This girl thrives in the glow of the hot sun. I can't recall one bad moment in my life that was in a summer month. So, put me in an element that is lacking such magical rays and I am not one to find many positives to say and become an even bigger bore! Plus summer months mean cute shorts, tank tops, and flip flops. I am a sweatshirt girl but I believe that is only because weathering requiring to wear such, needs to be due to fall air, not a must to save your skin from freezing air. Where just a few minutes in such weather could cause to turn blue and fall off. 

Why do I live where my skin could fall off? 

On my journey to rediscover myself, there is a new physical sense in this. It's not just a mentality. So, this isn't just all in my head! The location at the end of this chapter will have one sure thing... it's going to change! The way it looks, feels, smells... my entire world is about to change in every aspect. This is where I start to panic... chest tightens, my heart rate is pounding, and I suddenly feel the urge to take deeper breaths. Welcome to the land of anxiety. This is also the part where I began to sound crazy... To get me, myself and I past this moment, I talk to myself. My lips move but no sound will be heard. The sound is inside my head. "Crystal, calm down. Focus on the good... flip this to something positive!" and I will start to feel my mind racing over details, focusing on the why, and so on. "You are going to wake up and feel a sense of fresh, new". I can feel my breathing start to lessen. I don't have a need to get up and run. In a matter of two sentences, I am getting closer back to my calm state. Something that in the past would have caused a night, or hours of overthinking, crying, and self-loathing... was considered, addressed, focused, and flipped.

Mind flipping, eh?

I kinda just made that term up as I was typing... so I feel a sense of pride. Mind flipping... the updated version of glass half full. I dig it! If you were to go back and read my blogs entries at the beginning of this journey, a few months ago... the entire blog would be about thinking positives, talking kindly to myself, and how the words we say out loud impact who we become... a little surreal to me now! 

Folks, I think I am going to be a real kid someday!

I also have to take a minute to say... how incredibly cool these techniques and educational tools are to assist with mental happy! I don't care who you are... everyone has something that could use a dose of vitamins for that gray matter between your ears. How cool, we are at a point we are openly talking about it. Whatever it is! I know for me to be so raw and real in these wide-open spaces, was difficult initially. Now, I still find moments where I type, pause to process what I was sharing, and decide if I was okay with that. The great thing about the internet... what you say today, will forever be out there. Either as a timeline towards greatness, or an emotional state of mind that wasn't so in focus and your words or mental image provided... has something that will come back to bite you! 

The minute I was told I had complex post-traumatic stress disorder, I craved to know anything and everything about it. I wasn't raised in a family that believed in anything other than normal and crazy. If you didn't walk, talk or dress exactly like they thought you should... you were crazy! No way were we going to openly discuss brain injuries, depression, addiction, etc. I mean after all, What would the neighbors think? To openly admit you had such, meant you were weak. If you willingly took meds to help with any of these "conditions" meant you were a drug addict. Getting help to get healthy was not something that was ever supported!

Sad, so sad!

Not only have I learned so much about brain injury, the various elements that can impact a brain's health, and how to keep it fit and active... the more I want to share! The first month I began this journey and something good would happen, I would smile and conveniently, remind myself this is what they said would happen. Now, that I have seen the positives and negatives surrounding the choices I am making and those I allow in my life... it feels natural to speak in a happier tone. It also means I have no patience for those that aren't a value add in my life. I no longer have any lingering emotions towards, giving a crap if their feelings get hurt or not! I didn't sign up to turn my heart, mind, and soul upside down and inside out just so I could get halfway and allow old patterns and behaviors to pull me back. I desire a life of simple and yet, joyous. One that feels good every day, not just the ones I have to force to maintain. 

The universe has been providing me a good butt warming in the aspect of "letting go". The more I understand this, the more it keeps taking from me. It's as if I know what the lesson to be learned truly means and I agree out loud but deep in my soul, you can hear laughing... "yeah right!"

I am sentimental, and I have thousands of files in my mental filing cabinet that are in support of that. To let go of someone or something... I have to erase chapters in my past. It's not just detaching from a name, a person... it's never listening to a certain song again, or having a drink at that bar, it's hating a color, a candy bar, or even a state. I could go years without a person's memory rolling by and a flower or scent will suddenly bring them back to the present. Creating a day of remembering someone I had worked so had to always forget. 

There has got to be another way besides letting go! There has got to be a solution to how I can move past certain nouns and not have to rip apart every fiber of my being. Hmmm. Maybe, instead of letting go... I mind flip! Stay focused on how I feel about myself, what my goals are, and not let anyone or anything take me away from that state of mind. I also do not have to go out of my way for those that have shown time and time again what types of people they truly are. 

Remove the emotion from the moment and focus on my needs, desires, and wants. 

You would think that would be easy... but for those of us that are kind and real... that statement is selfish. Selfishness is not a feel-good for me. I have moments there and then I wonder if my selfishness was justified. So with that, there is also a need for understanding as to what is good selfishness and what is not. 

There is a fine line between the sel and ness.... Hey, look who caught a fish!!! hahaha!

When I reach a point of eating by myself, watching tv by myself, showering by myself, sleeping by myself, myself, myself ... being okay by myself. Then I will truly know I am ready for the next stage. I don't want to spend life by myself... but I also do not want to waste any more time being focused on anything outside of me. I am going to be a best-selling #1 author. I am going to land a job that pays me to do what I love! This will lead me to the independence and lifestyle I long for. I love everyone (except for like 2 people in the world) and I am kind, caring, and generous! I can continue to be this... just less in the form of my presence and time. 

Today, one of my articles 'Dating Diary of a 40 Something Year Old' was handpicked for you by a vocal team member as a top story! How damn cool is that??? 

Dating Diary of a 40 Something Year Old | Confessions (vocal. media)

Good things are coming for those that have the passion and drive to go after it! 

So, I can't wait for the reveal of my location change. 

I can't wait to get this selfishness to the proper setting. 

I can't wait for my next milestone on the vocal journey.

I can't wait... 

"You can excited about the future. Your past wont mind" ~Hillary Depiano

I Know You Are... But What Am I?

 I have found myself once again in the cycle of stressing over things beyond my control. Feeling overwhelmed and panicked about where my life is about to go. If I have learned anything along this journey to find myself it would be that whatever is meant to be, will be! That is it... plain and simple! Although, I know the emotions and worries tied to the unknown don't feel all that simple. This is where I have to keep training the gray matter between my ears to stop playing all the possible worst-case scenarios over and over. This does nothing but send my anxiety into overdrive. Not a state of being that aligns with forward motion. These thoughts only keep me idle and unfocused. Which in return promotes talks with myself that are unfavorable and unkind. If I am going to stay on track with my positive self-reflection and maintain the progress I have already made... I have to practice making a plan of action and not worry about what is outside of my control. As much as I have despised the phrase "It is what it is", it is a spot-on statement. The words couldn't be wiser.

It truly is what it is... I know, kills me a little inside to even admit it! 

That is it, no more and no less. This is where I begin the brain training to keep reminding me, myself, and I, to stop having expectations of others, and to focus on what I can control. My thoughts, my actions, and the words I say out loud. What I am projecting into the universe for future goals. To let go of everything! I mean everything... past, present, and future! The more baggage I hold on to... the harder my climb to the next chapter of my life will be. It is imperative I stop making things so hard on me! Life doesn't have to be a challenge in order for me to be successful. Also, how I feel about myself takes precedence over all others. I am an adult and what others think of me is really none of my business. It's just another layer I don't need to add to my pile. Another element that is outside of my control. It doesn't matter what I do or say... there will always be someone who strongly differs and is not a fan of mine. 

Not my circus, not my monkeys

The more I put these ideas into my daily way of thinking... the quicker I will find myself living in the land of happy happy! It truly is a strange concept to process... I am capable of doing whatever it is I want to do in my adult life. If I decided to become a criminal, I get to own that choice, I also get to own the negative consequences with it. If I decided to run off and join the circus... again, my choice! There will always be supportive "nouns" that will be on board with whatever makes me happy. However, they are just as guilty as the rest, in gossiping about the choices they were so supportive of! The cycle never stops to rest! Even the best of best "nouns" are guilty of falling into this. 

Do you want to know the key to living a life you desire... 

    Stop inviting people into your personal business!!!

I get this is not a simple task, and initially may feel cold to put into action... but it is what has to happen if you want things to happen in your life that aligns with your passion and dreams. 

I might be having the worst possible day ever and when my children stop by to visit I focus on the positives and provide little details to the what's, why's, or who's. I guarantee one out of my three children would have something negative to say about the path I am following. I am the adult. I am responsible for the choices I make... Good, Bad, or Indifferent! 

My children just want to know I am healthy, happy, and safe. Anything beyond those conditions opens the door to them feeling worried, nervous, or guilty about me living by myself. Let me tell you empty nesting is not what it is cracked up to be. It takes some time to relearn living a life that is completely opposite of the image when they were the parent's responsibility to raise.  Now my children are parents and there is a struggle to define who is parenting who. 

I can tell you, I found myself going a little stir crazy not having someone to vent to when things took a turn to the left. I started talking to myself out loud. I wrote letters to those that hurt or upset me (which I never send)... whatever it takes to push through the moment and not let the "nouns" in on my stress. Sure, it feels good to vent at the moment, but not so good days or months down the road when the topic is once again presented to you in the form of their thoughts and opinions. Something that could have been processed with just me, myself, and I is now a topic of discussion. You also know, this means your issue has now traveled beyond just the listener's ear. So there is a long line of people that are playing the telephone game regarding you. The facts never stay the same and the story never comes out true.

No thank you!

The next important piece of advice... stop talking badly about the people you love to other people!

A little fun fact... there are always three sides to the story... hers, his, and the truth! People only share their perspective and it typically favors what they say or do... 

When the "nouns" in my life attempt to pull me into this dirty triangle, I do my best to turn the venting session around and focus on the positives of what is being shared. To add insight from an outsider's perspective on the bigger picture. 

How does that old saying go? If we all tossed our problems into a circle, after seeing everyone else's problems, we would gladly pick back up our own. 

As human beings, we crave attention, we crave connection... all things that can still be fulfilled... just in a different aspect! Seek attention and connection in the form of value adds. 

I know this is a lot to digest and even more to put into practice in everyday life but if you have the right mindset and maintain awareness of what you do and say... the day will come when you don't even realize you are living and breathing all of this, effortlessly! 

You know who will notice, though... Everyone!

"You had a purpose before anyone had an opinion" ~unknown

You can find more of my creative writing and poetry here: 

Crystal Rae | Vocal

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I heart all of you!

Even The Man In The Moon Has Something To Tell Me

 I woke up at 1:36 am today, with the signs and symptoms of having a head cold. Yes, such things do still exist! As I have mentioned before, I have been spending a lot of time with my littles (grandbabies) and they have all been snotty, coughing, walking germs the past few weeks. I am glad they are on the mend but it seems I may have caught something... dang their cute faces! I am popping vitamins and cold medicine like crazy to attempt to get ahead of it but it sure is putting up a good fight! I so despise having the sniffles! Makes me feel like I am five years old! 

So as I lay in my bed this morning, grunting and groaning with all of my symptoms... I decided to read my emails. There was one that caught my attention from one of my newest, dearest physic friends who has begun to spam my inbox. I don't lead my life based on what my horoscope says, or believe in most of the emails sent to me. I do, however, like to compare what they say to my current life situations. I think it's fun and makes me think when they are actually pretty spot on. This one is claiming that it is actually your moon sign that predicts your future and provides the most accurate reading on what type of person you are and how to use the knowledge to get ahead in life. 

Enlighten me, my dear future seeing friend!

After providing my birthdate and sign... a video was sent to me describing what the moon phase on the day I was born meant to me. I was actually shocked as to how spot-on it described me. I was born in the moon phase of a crescent moon. This meant I was a very emotional person who clings to those who have passed away and those in my circle. Especially, my children. It went on to explain if I was going to prosper in the future, I had to let go. This has been the one thing I have struggled with. I have written about this with my recent empty-nesting status and not sure how to live in a state of all about me! I also just had my second story published which was in dedication to my grandpa's birthday who passed away four years ago. So I would say that letting go is spot on for me. I just am not certain how to go about that. 

Trust me... I have tried practically everything!

There is just something that hit differently hearing it on the video. It was as if it was a reminder that it is okay for me to stop focusing on others and make it all about me. Now was my time to shine and do what I want with my life. I did my part and my children are outliving their lives... it doesn't make me a bad mother to let them be to do so. It also doesn't make me a bad person to focus on my passions and do what drives me. I have stated this so many other times...  I keep thinking if I say it out loud enough, I will actually live by it! 

Fingers crossed!!!

I am a nurturing person. I love caring for others. Cooking, cleaning, being affectionate, and doing things to show how much they matter. By doing such things... actually makes me feel good. So not having my children or a significant other to take care of, is hard on me. I am getting better I think but still have work to do to get me where I need to be. 

My goodness, this head cold is kicking my butt today! 

So I am off to rest some more and keep focusing on letting go. To not waste my energy on things I no longer have control over. 

To start putting more time and energy into me, myself and I... or at the very least try. Funny, that I would say that when the biggest motto in my life is "there is no trying, you either do or you don't" so I guess I am go to do! 

There Is No Stopping Me... So, Why Even Try?

 I am tired of these feelings I battle that tell me I am unworthy, or not good enough. They are not emotions I am able to process without beating myself up. I know what I want and what I desire from me, myself, and I in the future state... let me tell you, it's going to be nothing other than great! 

How can it not be?

All of my self-reflections, and paths I am clearing on my journey, are proving to fuel my confidence and bring out a bit of cockiness along the way! What can I say? I am learning how freaking awesome I am and for those that don't feel the same... step aside and make room for those that do. I recently posted on a social media site the following: 

Happy 11:11 to all of my exes... I know what you wished for today! 

This presented a moment of jealousy and feelings getting hurt because someone felt it was an attack against them or stated just to cause them pain. First of all, it was a post made as I was feeling good about myself and I thought it was funny and also possibly factual. I am sorry if it made others feel bad... but the fact it did, only supported what I had stated. I know I am far from perfect, but I am perfect for someone out there that is meant for me. My highs are high and my lows are low. I know it is not too much to ask for that special someone to understand those emotions or learn the best ways to deal with me at the moment. I just know, I am not willing to water myself down to make others feel comfortable anymore. What I am feeling, is what I am feeling and I don't have to make excuses, or silence myself for the sake of others. I won't! I can't! It is far too exhausting!

The other day, a lady met with me to walk through my home and see if she was able to help me out of my situation by either purchasing it from me or taking over the loan until it was worth it to her to sell it and make money. Of course, the end result is to benefit her. That is how she makes her living! She was very kind and gentle with her words... but she still said something that shook me. In walking around and taking pictures, she said "I bet this used to be a really nice place"! Instantly, my insides began to twist and a knot formed in my throat, making it difficult to breathe! 

She has no clue what this house has taken from me...

Yet, I know all too well, that her words were not stated in malice nor were they meant to cause me harm. Yet, they did... so quickly! The current state of my home was two years in the making. So, although to her, my home required so much work to get to a sellable shape, she had no idea the struggles, and strides I had made to get to where it is today. The blood, sweat, and tears I have shed while working so hard to make my home, once again... a place I was proud to say I lived, even as bad of shape it currently is in!

That is why I am now rocking confidence that I have never held on to before. An emotional state that was easily lost with words of negativity and put-downs by those I swore to always love. The people that mattered most to me, at that moment in time, were the first to attempt to hold me down and let me believe I was less than I truly am! Why? Who knows.... you would have to ask them! I certainly am not wasting any more of my precious time trying to figure out what causes them to be so... them! 

The fears and uncertainty I currently am wrestling with are so consuming. What once used to be thoughts of what could possibly be... are now in my face, presented in the form of question marks, and are surrounding me. So, if I have moments of over-the-top confidence, or feeling like a million dollars... then freaking let me! Let me have the moments that feel good and support a healthier version of me. Stop trying to knock me down because of what you think or feel. Your thoughts and emotions are not owned by me and in my current state... have no merit in being real. 

No one will ever know how far I have truly come. The nights I have had to fight to force myself to stand up. To look at my reflection in the mirror with love and dismiss the thoughts and feelings of self-loathing. 

No one... and I mean no one... has any idea the price I have paid to finally truly, deeply, love me! 

"You will meet two kinds of people in your life: the ones who build you up and the ones who tear you down. In the end, you will thank them both!" ~unknown

Objects In The Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear

 Today, it happened! I took one of the first of many steps to making my dream of being a published writer come true. I know it's not big league yet... but it's there. My first article is under an advice section for families. Don't believe me... check it out yourself! 

Me, Myself & Why | Families (vocal.media)

For me, this isn't just one of my daily rants on a website... it's me taking the plunge to put myself out there. Opening myself to criticism and thoughts regarding the words I use to formulate sentences. All tied around my personal journey. The real raw side of my feelings regarding topics that have presented feelings on the negative end of the spectrum in the past. I am really doing this. I am really, really doing it! It's so easy to have a passion in your heart and speak of a future state of it possibly happening. It's another when you find the effort and time you have been pushing into long hours of the night... aren't for nothing! 

I also think it is pretty cool all of this kicked off on the day of my grandpa's birthday. Happy Heavenly 81st Birthday to you. I wish you could be here so I could call you and tell you all about it! I know you wouldn't understand the concept of it but you were always one of my biggest supporters... 

When I was living with my grandparents prior to moving into my first home, I told my grandpa about my blog and he told me he wanted to read my daily rants. However, it wasn't real computer savvy so he asked me to print them out. Each morning he would have my blog printed in front of him as he drank his morning coffee, reading. When I would get home at the end of the day, he would always say the same thing "I read your book thing and Crissy, it was really good"! I always thought that was so cool. Not any of my other family members took an interest, but he did! 

I am not sure if I want to cry, jump up and down, or sleep! I am so dang proud of myself for reaching the first level. Now, the work continues to write, write and write until I make it yet to another website and another. Building my portfolio with various types of creative writing examples. Another few months from now and it will be beyond a blank slate. I can't wait to watch myself and grow with my writing topics and styles. This is a learning experience for me as well. Finding the topics I can provide the most relatable experiences. To share the good, bad and ugly in hopes someone will have a takeaway that adds value. 

I need this in my life. I need to take the one thing I have always loved to do and make it my day to day reality. It's strange to have a passion for writing. When you are an artist and you paint, or build, or sing... people can grasp that and feel it. When you are a creative writer, most just think its a form of homework or a lot of english. You have to be one who appreciates the mental image that is placed in that gray matter between your ears. You get to experience feelings and emotions based on black ink on a white piece of paper. No pictures! No stimulation other than the words. How cool is that? 

As, I stated before... I don't know where I am going to land in the next few months but I know its going to be in a direction that feels good. That provides food to my soul and lets me wake each day with a love for my life and me, myself and I. I have worked hard to get to this state and this place in my life. I am ready... and honestly, I can't wait! 

Thank you to all of those Nouns that have been supportive and continue to encourage my passion. 

It's all starting to happen! 

"Don't tell me the sky is the limit, when there are footprints on the moon" ~Paul Brandt

My Superpower: Being The Mom Of One Incredible Boy

 As an empty nester, I always look forward to any opportunity to hang out with my children. Especially, one on one time. I was presented one of these opportunities yesterday with my son. The day prior, some lady driving an escalade, ran a solid red light and hit my vehicle at 40 mph. Thankfully, everyone was "okay"... I mean as much as one can be after being in such an accident. Anyways... My son picked me up to run a few errands since I am now without a vehicle. At one of the local drug stores, I got out of his vehicle and noticed my feet were unbalanced. The ground was not solid under my feet. After a quick glance... I had stepped in the middle of someone's regurgitated lunch! OMG!!! So disgusting! I could barely contain myself! I wasn't certain if I was going to follow suit or cry! I found a grassy area to clean off my shoes and head inside the store with my son. We finished our mission and I climbed back into his vehicle, which he so kindly backed out for me so I could avoid, the Ewww! As he drove away he said, "Mom, you have the worst luck, did you walk under a ladder or what"! This presented a perfect moment for him and me to have a deep conversation. Being my baby boy, even though he is over 6ft tall, and about to turn 20, he doesn't really get emotional or talk about in-depth things much with his Mother. I told him to google natural gas explosions... the pictures would show the frame where a house previously stood. Any unlucky by standards inside would be found miles away and usually dead. I walked away from mine without a scratch and the house was still intact! It's all about perspective. I told him I was certain nothing but good would come from all of this. He laughed at me... "What good is going to come from having puke on your shoes, Mom??"

Well played son! Well played! 

Our conversations continued into a discussion about my current relationship and others from the past. I explained how my expectations, needs, wants, and desires are different this time. I am different this time! I told him that I finally was at peace with events from my past. I wasn't sure what the future held for me but I was going to embrace every moment in the now with my Mr. TDAH. I no longer was being held a prisoner to pain or anger from the last. I was at peace with all of it. His words that came next, made me realize what an amazing soul I had raised... "Mom, stop putting expectations on people beyond what they have already shown you. A liar will always lie, a thief will always steal, a cheater will always cheat... see them for what they are and stop trying to see anything other than what they have shown you they are"! 

WOW! Thanks for that son!

I have spent far too many years believing there was good in people that were not good! I was reminded of this with a visit from my past. I knew nothing good would come from listening to anything that comes from his mouth but curiosity got the best of me. So, stupid me... listened! What I will say is, my son was spot on, and any person that claims to care about you doesn't spew words that attempt to cause one's self-worth harm! Of course, it was all about how I did him wrong. Of course, it was all about me being less than I claim to be. Of course, everything he had to say... was reflective of jealously, and needing to put me down. How can he attempt to get me back if I am not crawling from the gutters he kicked me down into? If I have one ounce of self-worth... then guess what... I see him for what he is and have no interest in having anything to do with him! The person in front of me today, was nowhere near the person I had made myself believe he was. Sad really and yet so freeing to feel nothing! I no longer own any part of his story and I am glad for that! My reflection in the mirror is no longer jaded by others' negativity and insecurities! The past can no longer hurt me!

Hurt People Hurt People ~ Song by The Script

Some born with a blessing, some born with a curse
Some have it better, yeah, some have it worse
Some are thinking forward but they have it in reverse
No matter how bad it gets, it can always get worse
Some people lie for it, some people even die for it
They would take your f-in life for it
Some people pay the man in the sky for it
You measure the heart by the size of the man
I measure the man by the size of the heart 
We ain't perfect, this is who we are
Help me see the light in the dark
Hurt people, they hurt people, yeah, hurt people, they hurt people 

The past few days, the accident has forced me to spend quite a bit of time resting. We all know, any amount of time I am idle, that gray matter between my ears goes into overdrive. Once again filling my head with lies. Although I had to fight back the "why me and life isn't fair" thoughts... for the most part, my head was spot on with the conversations I had with me, myself, and I! I am no longer the person I was a year ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. My self-reflection and need to rediscover myself have me growing every day! An event like my accident would have been an excuse for me to self-destruct in the past. This time, my focus was on getting healthy and thinking of all the solutions to my car problem. I have decisions to make regarding my home, employment, and other adulting that require me to stay sane. Don't get me wrong... I might be a tad crabbier than usual with my injuries and inability to do things without grunting like an 80-year-old lady! I also find myself tired of the constant fight to get me where I need to be. However, the bounce back and thoughts are far healthier than past me would have put forth. I have no desire to stay down! I have no interest in anything other than learning what I need to from all of this to ensure it doesn't happen again! So, maybe my luck is unlucky to most... to me... I keep proving I am actually one of the luckiest! 

All of this presented a moment in time for me to connect with my son. How lucky is that? To hear and process his words of advice and soak up just how damn brilliant he is! All of my children are really. What does that say about me? If I raised such incredible beings... then that must mean... I am the ruler of the land of incredible! I love with full force and I take on much more than any person should... but I am badass that way! This is just another event that I will figure out how to come out ahead of it all! Regardless, of how tired I am... I can't stop what it is I do best!  

I know without a doubt... Good is going to come from all of this! My next chapter will be about my success story, not about the girl her past tried to bend and break. 

I am real! I am badass! Sorry, not sorry, if that bothers those of you that are fake! 

"What defines us is how well we rise after falling" ~ Conor McGregor

Happy 20th Birthday (11/6) to my son, Jonathan Michael "Money Murdock"! I love you so very much and am so proud of the man you are becoming. You inspire me to rock my confidence and push myself past my limits to make my dreams come true! I promise... the very first signed copy of my published book goes to you!

Someone Please Pinch Me...

 

Have you ever had one of those out-of-body dreams? The ones that are so deep and intertwined within every piece of you? You actually feel each second of the hard slumber. I woke startled, uncertain as to where I was. My dream state was so real, so intense, I was certain I was miles from my bedroom. The disappointment I felt when I discovered I was in my own bed. I am becoming more aware of all of my senses. The positivity is fueling my mind with thoughts beyond my control. Pushing my subconscious to the front of that gray matter between my ears. Providing sensual thoughts. Moments in the extreme. Unleashed with the freedom to be and do as I feel. To be real! My soul beckons me, myself, and I to FEEL! Not to second guess my thoughts, ideas, wants, or desires! A state of being that I have also longed for. To have no fear of all that is inside... for so long contained... the lock has been broken on the cage! 

As I was walking into the grocery store yesterday, a young lady walked from behind me and as we reached the cart area, she made a sound... one comparable to what a hot woman would hear walking past a group of construction workers. The type of sound that made me instantly realize, she was highly impressed with the look of me! I began to turn red. I hadn't gotten dressed up. Nor was I rocking any smell goods. Yet, there I was... being hit on! I couldn't help but feel flattered. She was gorgeous! I stumbled to get a cart with her standing so close to me. She had no problem making her attraction for me known. Typical me, I had to move past the awareness I was experiencing by getting away from the moment as quickly as possible. "Thank-you, for the boost to my self-esteem", I said. She responded, "I didn't mean to be so blunt, there is just something about you. I can't put my finger on it... you make me want to stare at you! It's like there is something flowing out of you! You're glowing"!

Instant Smile... 

This is the part where the cry baby in me, feels the need to shed a tear! The road I have been on to rediscover me, myself and I, has been a challenge. I have these days filled with clarity and happiness followed by a deep urge to self-sabotage. Can you imagine the battle is has been to hold that back? To convenience myself that all the forward motion is in the right and that I deserve an amazing life. Forcing myself, once again into a state of uncomfortable. I refuse to let the past history and cycles I followed, once again, own me! I have always been fearful of what others thought of me (to a certain degree) especially, my family! The judgment, the criticism, the use of sarcasm as a form of love. The sarcasm part still has roots that bind me. That is the topic of focus for me, in the present. Stop using sarcasm as a way to hide what I am really feeling. Sarcasm is another form of having walls. To say things in a way that kind of has meaning but quickly backtracks to prevent any opportunity to experience rejection, or feeling stupid. The Nouns in my circle have lifted me into a state of doing and saying whatever it is that I feel and to do so without any form of negatives or consequences. 

It has been the greatest emotional state I could have ever dreamed of being really, real! 

I am focusing on my senses during the "in-betweens". I am living in a state of awareness of my presence in the present. I am putting thought into others' wants and desires to leave a positive impact. All while still setting healthy boundaries for my own personal growth and healing process. The self-confidence I have is getting hard to contain. All reflective with my singing, dancing, and lack of thought with the actions that used to cripple me. It's hard to even digest the way my life used to be. The wasted energy on overthinking everything. I used to have to talk myself into situations or do things. Now, I am just doing and I don't even realize it was something that I fought in the past.  

I am experiencing a life that isn't drenched in anger, pain, and self-loathing! I think I have truly forgiven myself! It was the one thing I could never fully grasp, or stick to. I always would circle back to that badness I survived being meant for me. As if each traumatic event, I deserved for choices I have made in my past. Gag! I refuse to ever let those types of thoughts fill one brain cell in my mind! I am so much better than that... bad shit happens to the best of us! It's not right but it's definitely not deserved. Even Karma has limits to her doings. 

So, I don't have a mother or father, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins... my circle is very small. However, those in my circle are solid and fans of mine! They push me to be the best I can be. Not kick me when I am down. They cringe at any negative thoughts or actions against me. Especially, when they are self-inflicting. They want to see me shine... better yet, glowing! 

"One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching"

~Gerard Way

Today Is The Day For Pretend... Yay!

 

Tonight is Halloween... EEK! One of my favorite holidays ever! This girl loves any opportunity to dress up. Especially, in over the top, extreme for the season type of clothes! In those moments; I get to play the part of any person I want to be. I get to dance, sway my hips, and feel like the sexiest woman in the world. Ok, maybe not the world, but definitely my hometown! I get to shred the stress of life and fill my soul with nothings that matters! Now, I don't mean that in a sense of darkness or sadness... I meant in the category of things adults are not supposed to do!! I am not sure who made up that rule... but it sucks! 

I am a fan of all things that are not reflective of being an adult. I know adulting is required to live in this thing called life... BUUUUUTTT... There are so many parts of being one that I don't enjoy participating in. Such as eating dessert last. No thank you, I'd like mine first to ensure I have plenty of room to eat it! I am more of a healthy person than not... so I think it's a rule I can safely follow! 

Playing the role of little red riding hood has been fun the past few weeks. The dress fits nicely and it brings my inner goddess out of me. The more gold glitter the better! 

Why not?!?!

I have been so stressed by life the past few years dealing with all the things surrounding my situation. You know, the one with my house... KABOOM! Yeah, that! So being able to get away mentally and get myself wrapped up in Halloween has been nice. I didn't get any trick or treaters this year but again, not what it's about for me! I had the opportunity to throw a not planned Halloween party for all of my 6 littles plus bonus little last night. My goodness, I had no idea how much having all of them here would boost my spirit! They are all such amazing beings! All of them rocking their costumes was even cooler! You could see that the outfits boosted their little self esteems as well. The oldest little was hulk. Every chance he could get... he would deepen his voice and flex. The imagination was a reminder of things adults lose and shouldn't! They all played out the roles of the outfits they were wearing perfectly! 

Makes me wonder why we lose that as we grow... is it the fear of being made fun of? Maybe, the stress of every day causes us to lose what we used to believe in. All the things surrounding the innocence of youth! I have no desire to go backward. Not even in age! I however am a huge fan of innocence. Those precious moments that life hasn't tracked through the mud or kicked the gut! The purity of feeling no fear of anything... well, besides bugs and fruit snack wrappers! So, to have a day that is surrounded by the essence of being who we want to be... even if it's a make-believe character... how freaking cool! 

Life has this way of sucking the souls out of people. Dropping you to your knees! So why not throw on that outfit that awakes your soul. Sing, dance... strut around your living room. Even if no one ever knows... they will notice the radiance glowing off of you the next day. I quoted the unknown before by writing "Whatever feeds your soul... do more of that!" Exactly, that! It is so easy to forget the simplicity in life. The things that awaken us and we stopped noticing.

I had to run to the gas station tonight. I was all "ta done" in my red riding hood outfit. As I walked to the front door; a lady in the costume of some evil person, asked me where the party was. I laughed and told her; I was homebound to hand out candy. Her response still has me chucking inside... "As loud as we look tonight, I am certain a party will find us!" Not that I was in a bad mood or feeling down; but if I had one ounce of any negativity in my soul... it was gone! This random person, brought such joy to a few minutes of my life... all because we were wearing outfits from make-believe land. 

Such a great reminder to stop stressing what is out of my hands and focus on what is! Back to your presence being in the present. Focus on the now! I swear the more I say that the more my surroundings are surprising me. I am finding joy in simplicity.

I put up fake spider webs all over my dining room and kitchen ceiling. I even threw leaves and dirt into it for special effects. Little #4 told me it was creepy but not that creepy because it didn't have spiders. If you know me... you would know I FEAKING DESPISE THOSE EIGHT LEGGED CREATURES! I also dig a challenge... so I knew I had to get spiders for the web. Ugh! I lucked out and found these paper spiders you could bend the legs to make them look like they are really standing up. So I did the prep work and placed them in the webbing and on the walls all over my house. I couldn't wait for little #4 to show up the next morning. Nana's not afraid of no stinkin spiders! As you can imagine he was pretty excited by the addition to the decor! Yay me! So, fast forward a week... the spiders are beginning to fall from the walls and ceiling. The first few that came at me like reincarnations from the past souls I had killed... scared the crap out of me... and made me so mad! As the days passed by and others fell giving me a spook, I no longer got irritated or mad! I found myself laughing! One of my littles had challenged me to apply something I feared. I pushed myself to appear badass and oh how did that backfire! Those stupid paper spiders scared me more times than not and it's dang funny! 

There are so many things I can't control, so many minutes in a day that presents an event that can go one of two ways. I can either go down a path of negativity or a path of positivity. From there the outcome will be defined based on the path I chose. I know that sounds so rainbows and unicorns... but if you start to pay attention to your thoughts, your words, your actions. The positivity path gets easier to choose. 

I am happy for today. For all the souls... adultish and childish, that got the opportunity to dress in outfits that added a spark. For the smiles, laughter, and screams that were brought on by today! 

Thank you, Today! 

"The best thing you can dress in is a smile!"

Happy UnBirthday To Me!

 

There was a point in my life, that I set a goal of waking up in the morning to watch the sunrise and in the evening (You guessed it!) watch the sunset. The idea was to focus on the start and end of each day in a beautiful form. The time in-between was too much to tackle all at once. When I reached a point, that the sunrise and sunset watching became a routine... I could then focus on the hours between sunrise... getting my children off to school, and I to work (on time). Again, when that portion too became part of the routine, I had developed... Then I would pick another few hours in a day, and keep working on each until an entire day was a well-oiled machine; with structure, responsibilities, and a refreshed focus on the in-betweens in life. I use the word "routine" in a generic form, as only you can define, what a healthy, balanced day looks and feels like. For this to be a useful tool and not just a bunch of advising words... You have to set your own attainable goals with rewards for each one that is fully completed. 

As I opened my eyes, to see each hour and minute of every day, and focused on the moments that were unfolding in the now... it was the simple things that began to increase the size of my heart. The children's playful banter. The deep belly laughter, voiding out any silence within the house. 

Every Friday; Jonathan would go to a sleepover at a friend's house. The girls and I would head to the local Chinese food buffet, to get dinner to go. Jonathan wasn't a fan of the place or the food... so we took advantage of Friday nights for us to pig out, without grumblings from him on the sights and smells. On one of the trips to fill up our provided to-go box, as full as we could... An employee approached us (the cook I believe) with a platter of sushi. Haley and I actually enjoyed their sushi rolls and they were healthy. Brianna, on the other hand... was never going to try any fish in the form of a fish and especially not one raw! As the employee walked towards Brianna, her English was very broken and hard to fully understand... but we were able to read her body language and hand gestures to realize, she was offering Brianna some of her freshly made sushi rolls. To Haley and my surprise, Brianna happily took several pieces of the sushi in her to-go box. When we finished filling up our boxes, paid, and were walking out the front door... I laughed and then asked in confusion... "Why did you take sushi from her if you won't eat it, Brie?". 

This is one of those classic moments when the student teaches the teacher. Brianna's next few sentences... will always be remembered and continually practiced, during my own personal journey. 

Brianna responded: "Mom, did you see how proud she was of the sushi rolls she specifically made for us? There was no way I was going to knock her happiness down a notch by telling her, no, thank you!"

This was an instant awareness of the importance of knowing when to put others' feelings, wants, and desires before your own. To know when to silent the selfishness within, in order to boost positivity and self-confidence into someone else. How wise of a teenager did I raise for her to have already figured this out and then put it into motion throughout her day? I felt such pride for being the Mom of such a wise and noble grasshopper! 

As I laid next to My Mr. TDAH; pouring every story that popped into the gray matter between my ears, out for him to hear... the conversation turned to the music we were listening to. I mentioned how I couldn't stand the song "You Let Her Go" sung by Passenger. 

"Well, you only need the light, when it's burning low.
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high where you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go, and you let her go
Ohhh, Oh no, And you let her go"

I could never grasp, if he loved her so, then why the heck did he let her go. I quickly formed a strong dislike for the song! My Mr. TDAH provided a different point of view for me. How relationships can be toxic or cause harm to themselves by continuing to stay. By letting her go... he was letting her take time for herself to heal and learn. Hoping as she did, she would eventually come back to him. Still a song that chokes me up regardless of the point of view behind the words. I don't like how painful it feels for him to have let her go! I am such a hopeless romantic and a fan of those couples that have a presence around them. One that shouts to the world... We are so in love with one another and have no interest in anyone beyond the person attached to the intertwined hands and fingers caressing each other and the smiles upon their faces. One glance and you just know... these two were made for each other! 

I believe this is where that kid Friendly Purple Dinosaur got the inspiration for the most, catchy, earworm song ever. I apologize for the fact you are now singing this song in your head. My Bad! 

The natural light from the moon, shining into the window, presented just enough light to let my eyes trace the shape and position of my Mr. TDAH's body into memory. As he reaches over to caress my face, arm, and the left side of my body... I can feel the emotions contained in the tips of his fingers and the palm of his hands. The minute his body is close enough to mine; his breathing changes. I spent far too many years getting comfortable with being used and mistreated by others claiming to be men. This is just one of many, in-betweens moments that is so simple and yet is so deep... no words being exchanged and yet we both can clearly understand what the other's body is saying! As if, we had been starving and the only way to feel satisfied and full is by holding each other as close to each other as possible. Close enough for our souls to fist bump! It's such an intense connection that we share and yet, it's the calmness I feel in his presence, and in the knowing, that I can without a shadow of a doubt... believe and trust in him. There is no topic that is taboo or story shared from our pasts, that we feel nervous or embarrassed to discuss! 

I, Crystal Rae, (raising my right hand) swear, to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me god!

How freeing to not have to second guess anything that pops into your mind. To spit out your words with no fear of judgment or unkind words to be thrown back into your face at a later time. He is my safe place! My peace of mind! What I want to say next... I will refrain from sharing. I am sure you can use your imagination to come up with a few ideas as to what I am silently referencing!

If I stayed a prisoner to a life of only Sunrises and Sunsets; I would have completely missed the window of opportunity life presented me to reconnect with my Mr. TDAH... A blast from my past, and an unexpected Noun! He is such an amazing person and I feel blessed to have been placed in front of him on a dating app, on my perfect calendar date. 

Once was lost, now has been found... right there all along... "in-between" the sunrises and sunsets!

What previously felt hard and uncomfortable is now forming into a dream come true!

I can't wait to see what comes next... How about you?!?

"Life is a game, play it; Life is a challenge, meet it, Life is an opportunity; capture it!"

~unknown