As an empty nester, I always look forward to any opportunity to hang out with my children. Especially, one on one time. I was presented one of these opportunities yesterday with my son. The day prior, some lady driving an escalade, ran a solid red light and hit my vehicle at 40 mph. Thankfully, everyone was "okay"... I mean as much as one can be after being in such an accident. Anyways... My son picked me up to run a few errands since I am now without a vehicle. At one of the local drug stores, I got out of his vehicle and noticed my feet were unbalanced. The ground was not solid under my feet. After a quick glance... I had stepped in the middle of someone's regurgitated lunch! OMG!!! So disgusting! I could barely contain myself! I wasn't certain if I was going to follow suit or cry! I found a grassy area to clean off my shoes and head inside the store with my son. We finished our mission and I climbed back into his vehicle, which he so kindly backed out for me so I could avoid, the Ewww! As he drove away he said, "Mom, you have the worst luck, did you walk under a ladder or what"! This presented a perfect moment for him and me to have a deep conversation. Being my baby boy, even though he is over 6ft tall, and about to turn 20, he doesn't really get emotional or talk about in-depth things much with his Mother. I told him to google natural gas explosions... the pictures would show the frame where a house previously stood. Any unlucky by standards inside would be found miles away and usually dead. I walked away from mine without a scratch and the house was still intact! It's all about perspective. I told him I was certain nothing but good would come from all of this. He laughed at me... "What good is going to come from having puke on your shoes, Mom??"
Well played son! Well played!
Our conversations continued into a discussion about my current relationship and others from the past. I explained how my expectations, needs, wants, and desires are different this time. I am different this time! I told him that I finally was at peace with events from my past. I wasn't sure what the future held for me but I was going to embrace every moment in the now with my Mr. TDAH. I no longer was being held a prisoner to pain or anger from the last. I was at peace with all of it. His words that came next, made me realize what an amazing soul I had raised... "Mom, stop putting expectations on people beyond what they have already shown you. A liar will always lie, a thief will always steal, a cheater will always cheat... see them for what they are and stop trying to see anything other than what they have shown you they are"!
WOW! Thanks for that son!
I have spent far too many years believing there was good in people that were not good! I was reminded of this with a visit from my past. I knew nothing good would come from listening to anything that comes from his mouth but curiosity got the best of me. So, stupid me... listened! What I will say is, my son was spot on, and any person that claims to care about you doesn't spew words that attempt to cause one's self-worth harm! Of course, it was all about how I did him wrong. Of course, it was all about me being less than I claim to be. Of course, everything he had to say... was reflective of jealously, and needing to put me down. How can he attempt to get me back if I am not crawling from the gutters he kicked me down into? If I have one ounce of self-worth... then guess what... I see him for what he is and have no interest in having anything to do with him! The person in front of me today, was nowhere near the person I had made myself believe he was. Sad really and yet so freeing to feel nothing! I no longer own any part of his story and I am glad for that! My reflection in the mirror is no longer jaded by others' negativity and insecurities! The past can no longer hurt me!
Some have it better, yeah, some have it worse
Some are thinking forward but they have it in reverse
No matter how bad it gets, it can always get worse
Some people lie for it, some people even die for it
They would take your f-in life for it
Some people pay the man in the sky for it
You measure the heart by the size of the man
I measure the man by the size of the heart
We ain't perfect, this is who we are
Help me see the light in the dark
Hurt people, they hurt people, yeah, hurt people, they hurt people
The past few days, the accident has forced me to spend quite a bit of time resting. We all know, any amount of time I am idle, that gray matter between my ears goes into overdrive. Once again filling my head with lies. Although I had to fight back the "why me and life isn't fair" thoughts... for the most part, my head was spot on with the conversations I had with me, myself, and I! I am no longer the person I was a year ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. My self-reflection and need to rediscover myself have me growing every day! An event like my accident would have been an excuse for me to self-destruct in the past. This time, my focus was on getting healthy and thinking of all the solutions to my car problem. I have decisions to make regarding my home, employment, and other adulting that require me to stay sane. Don't get me wrong... I might be a tad crabbier than usual with my injuries and inability to do things without grunting like an 80-year-old lady! I also find myself tired of the constant fight to get me where I need to be. However, the bounce back and thoughts are far healthier than past me would have put forth. I have no desire to stay down! I have no interest in anything other than learning what I need to from all of this to ensure it doesn't happen again! So, maybe my luck is unlucky to most... to me... I keep proving I am actually one of the luckiest!
All of this presented a moment in time for me to connect with my son. How lucky is that? To hear and process his words of advice and soak up just how damn brilliant he is! All of my children are really. What does that say about me? If I raised such incredible beings... then that must mean... I am the ruler of the land of incredible! I love with full force and I take on much more than any person should... but I am badass that way! This is just another event that I will figure out how to come out ahead of it all! Regardless, of how tired I am... I can't stop what it is I do best!
I know without a doubt... Good is going to come from all of this! My next chapter will be about my success story, not about the girl her past tried to bend and break.
I am real! I am badass! Sorry, not sorry, if that bothers those of you that are fake!
"What defines us is how well we rise after falling" ~ Conor McGregor
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