I am tired of these feelings I battle that tell me I am unworthy, or not good enough. They are not emotions I am able to process without beating myself up. I know what I want and what I desire from me, myself, and I in the future state... let me tell you, it's going to be nothing other than great!
How can it not be?
All of my self-reflections, and paths I am clearing on my journey, are proving to fuel my confidence and bring out a bit of cockiness along the way! What can I say? I am learning how freaking awesome I am and for those that don't feel the same... step aside and make room for those that do. I recently posted on a social media site the following:
Happy 11:11 to all of my exes... I know what you wished for today!
This presented a moment of jealousy and feelings getting hurt because someone felt it was an attack against them or stated just to cause them pain. First of all, it was a post made as I was feeling good about myself and I thought it was funny and also possibly factual. I am sorry if it made others feel bad... but the fact it did, only supported what I had stated. I know I am far from perfect, but I am perfect for someone out there that is meant for me. My highs are high and my lows are low. I know it is not too much to ask for that special someone to understand those emotions or learn the best ways to deal with me at the moment. I just know, I am not willing to water myself down to make others feel comfortable anymore. What I am feeling, is what I am feeling and I don't have to make excuses, or silence myself for the sake of others. I won't! I can't! It is far too exhausting!
The other day, a lady met with me to walk through my home and see if she was able to help me out of my situation by either purchasing it from me or taking over the loan until it was worth it to her to sell it and make money. Of course, the end result is to benefit her. That is how she makes her living! She was very kind and gentle with her words... but she still said something that shook me. In walking around and taking pictures, she said "I bet this used to be a really nice place"! Instantly, my insides began to twist and a knot formed in my throat, making it difficult to breathe!
She has no clue what this house has taken from me...
Yet, I know all too well, that her words were not stated in malice nor were they meant to cause me harm. Yet, they did... so quickly! The current state of my home was two years in the making. So, although to her, my home required so much work to get to a sellable shape, she had no idea the struggles, and strides I had made to get to where it is today. The blood, sweat, and tears I have shed while working so hard to make my home, once again... a place I was proud to say I lived, even as bad of shape it currently is in!
That is why I am now rocking confidence that I have never held on to before. An emotional state that was easily lost with words of negativity and put-downs by those I swore to always love. The people that mattered most to me, at that moment in time, were the first to attempt to hold me down and let me believe I was less than I truly am! Why? Who knows.... you would have to ask them! I certainly am not wasting any more of my precious time trying to figure out what causes them to be so... them!
The fears and uncertainty I currently am wrestling with are so consuming. What once used to be thoughts of what could possibly be... are now in my face, presented in the form of question marks, and are surrounding me. So, if I have moments of over-the-top confidence, or feeling like a million dollars... then freaking let me! Let me have the moments that feel good and support a healthier version of me. Stop trying to knock me down because of what you think or feel. Your thoughts and emotions are not owned by me and in my current state... have no merit in being real.
No one will ever know how far I have truly come. The nights I have had to fight to force myself to stand up. To look at my reflection in the mirror with love and dismiss the thoughts and feelings of self-loathing.
No one... and I mean no one... has any idea the price I have paid to finally truly, deeply, love me!
"You will meet two kinds of people in your life: the ones who build you up and the ones who tear you down. In the end, you will thank them both!" ~unknown
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