Happy UnBirthday To Me!

 

There was a point in my life, that I set a goal of waking up in the morning to watch the sunrise and in the evening (You guessed it!) watch the sunset. The idea was to focus on the start and end of each day in a beautiful form. The time in-between was too much to tackle all at once. When I reached a point, that the sunrise and sunset watching became a routine... I could then focus on the hours between sunrise... getting my children off to school, and I to work (on time). Again, when that portion too became part of the routine, I had developed... Then I would pick another few hours in a day, and keep working on each until an entire day was a well-oiled machine; with structure, responsibilities, and a refreshed focus on the in-betweens in life. I use the word "routine" in a generic form, as only you can define, what a healthy, balanced day looks and feels like. For this to be a useful tool and not just a bunch of advising words... You have to set your own attainable goals with rewards for each one that is fully completed. 

As I opened my eyes, to see each hour and minute of every day, and focused on the moments that were unfolding in the now... it was the simple things that began to increase the size of my heart. The children's playful banter. The deep belly laughter, voiding out any silence within the house. 

Every Friday; Jonathan would go to a sleepover at a friend's house. The girls and I would head to the local Chinese food buffet, to get dinner to go. Jonathan wasn't a fan of the place or the food... so we took advantage of Friday nights for us to pig out, without grumblings from him on the sights and smells. On one of the trips to fill up our provided to-go box, as full as we could... An employee approached us (the cook I believe) with a platter of sushi. Haley and I actually enjoyed their sushi rolls and they were healthy. Brianna, on the other hand... was never going to try any fish in the form of a fish and especially not one raw! As the employee walked towards Brianna, her English was very broken and hard to fully understand... but we were able to read her body language and hand gestures to realize, she was offering Brianna some of her freshly made sushi rolls. To Haley and my surprise, Brianna happily took several pieces of the sushi in her to-go box. When we finished filling up our boxes, paid, and were walking out the front door... I laughed and then asked in confusion... "Why did you take sushi from her if you won't eat it, Brie?". 

This is one of those classic moments when the student teaches the teacher. Brianna's next few sentences... will always be remembered and continually practiced, during my own personal journey. 

Brianna responded: "Mom, did you see how proud she was of the sushi rolls she specifically made for us? There was no way I was going to knock her happiness down a notch by telling her, no, thank you!"

This was an instant awareness of the importance of knowing when to put others' feelings, wants, and desires before your own. To know when to silent the selfishness within, in order to boost positivity and self-confidence into someone else. How wise of a teenager did I raise for her to have already figured this out and then put it into motion throughout her day? I felt such pride for being the Mom of such a wise and noble grasshopper! 

As I laid next to My Mr. TDAH; pouring every story that popped into the gray matter between my ears, out for him to hear... the conversation turned to the music we were listening to. I mentioned how I couldn't stand the song "You Let Her Go" sung by Passenger. 

"Well, you only need the light, when it's burning low.
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high where you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go, and you let her go
Ohhh, Oh no, And you let her go"

I could never grasp, if he loved her so, then why the heck did he let her go. I quickly formed a strong dislike for the song! My Mr. TDAH provided a different point of view for me. How relationships can be toxic or cause harm to themselves by continuing to stay. By letting her go... he was letting her take time for herself to heal and learn. Hoping as she did, she would eventually come back to him. Still a song that chokes me up regardless of the point of view behind the words. I don't like how painful it feels for him to have let her go! I am such a hopeless romantic and a fan of those couples that have a presence around them. One that shouts to the world... We are so in love with one another and have no interest in anyone beyond the person attached to the intertwined hands and fingers caressing each other and the smiles upon their faces. One glance and you just know... these two were made for each other! 

I believe this is where that kid Friendly Purple Dinosaur got the inspiration for the most, catchy, earworm song ever. I apologize for the fact you are now singing this song in your head. My Bad! 

The natural light from the moon, shining into the window, presented just enough light to let my eyes trace the shape and position of my Mr. TDAH's body into memory. As he reaches over to caress my face, arm, and the left side of my body... I can feel the emotions contained in the tips of his fingers and the palm of his hands. The minute his body is close enough to mine; his breathing changes. I spent far too many years getting comfortable with being used and mistreated by others claiming to be men. This is just one of many, in-betweens moments that is so simple and yet is so deep... no words being exchanged and yet we both can clearly understand what the other's body is saying! As if, we had been starving and the only way to feel satisfied and full is by holding each other as close to each other as possible. Close enough for our souls to fist bump! It's such an intense connection that we share and yet, it's the calmness I feel in his presence, and in the knowing, that I can without a shadow of a doubt... believe and trust in him. There is no topic that is taboo or story shared from our pasts, that we feel nervous or embarrassed to discuss! 

I, Crystal Rae, (raising my right hand) swear, to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me god!

How freeing to not have to second guess anything that pops into your mind. To spit out your words with no fear of judgment or unkind words to be thrown back into your face at a later time. He is my safe place! My peace of mind! What I want to say next... I will refrain from sharing. I am sure you can use your imagination to come up with a few ideas as to what I am silently referencing!

If I stayed a prisoner to a life of only Sunrises and Sunsets; I would have completely missed the window of opportunity life presented me to reconnect with my Mr. TDAH... A blast from my past, and an unexpected Noun! He is such an amazing person and I feel blessed to have been placed in front of him on a dating app, on my perfect calendar date. 

Once was lost, now has been found... right there all along... "in-between" the sunrises and sunsets!

What previously felt hard and uncomfortable is now forming into a dream come true!

I can't wait to see what comes next... How about you?!?

"Life is a game, play it; Life is a challenge, meet it, Life is an opportunity; capture it!"

~unknown