I have always been one to procrastinate. I found the longer I waited the less time I had to over-think or question my plan of action and final resolution. I had to just do it. Although, not the best idea for tackling projects, etc. It forced me to just get it done. It also caused my stress levels to skyrocket. I wasn't able to step away for other urgent matters or give attention to those around me. My attitude became short, snappy, and not that of someone who felt happy!
Yeah, Yeah... I'm a poet and didn't know it!
As I continue to self-reflect; I have to ask myself; why do I do the things I do? I have discovered that I am almost incapable of asking for help from others. I have always been proud of my independence and my ability to find a way to resolve the issue or at the very least... apply a bandaid until the following month. I rob Peter to pay Paul. A cycle; that trained my brain to be on constant alert. A puzzle in my brain with an infinite amount of pieces. Forcing me to sort, stack, and move pieces around. I could be cooking dinner, or talking on the phone... and my attention never fully present. I only recently became aware of my lack of presence in the moment. Unable to recall plans made or dates of events I agreed to be a part of. I felt as if I was losing my mind or suffering from memory loss. When in reality, it was my lack of being in the moment. I was busy putting together the puzzle.
The more tasks I had with deadlines rapidly approaching... the faster I mentally stacked, sorted, and moved pieces around. With hopes, I would once again, reach deep into my hat and find a rabbit. Every week writing my to-do's and deadlines on the calendar and whiteboard. Reminding me what to do's were approaching and giving me plenty of time to plan my attack or seek assistance from others.
This is where I take the term "independent woman" and push it to the extreme. I initially, thought it was my pride that was the driving force behind my incapability to ask for help. Turns out it has nothing to do with my pride. I DO NOT like feeling stupid. If a situation presents itself that has the potential of causing this feeling... I will not have any part of it. I steer as clear as I can from ever having to feel that...
Have you ever walked into a bar or a restaurant after your party had already arrived? You walk through the front doors into the open lobby area. Slowly, you begin scanning over each section, each table, each chair... looking for someone you recognize so you know which way to go. Back and forth you once again glance around. By now your heart rate has increased. There is a flutter in your stomach as you experience nervousness. Your brain is frantically trying to recall the date, time, location. Digging into your purse; unable to quickly find your cell phone. An employee is approaching... you start to panic... Then it hits you... I FEEL SO STUPID!
I can't. I wont. I go to great lengths to ensure that situation... THAT FEELING... has no possibility of ever appearing. If I am meeting you at a certain location. I kindly request that you wait in your car until I arrive. Once I arrive. I call to find out where you are parked (if I haven't spotted you already) then I approach the vehicle so we can walk inside... TOGETHER. Something that is second nature to others has become a well-oiled machine in my mind. For those that can't grasp the concept of all of this and pull the "I am already inside. Just come in. I wont be hard to find," NOPE! I leave. I go home. I flee as fast as I can from the possibility of stupid ever happening.
What I didn't realize, until recently, is this fear of feeling stupid has metamorphosized into something much bigger and is controlling almost every aspect of my life. If I ask someone for something or for some kind of assistance... and at any point during the beginning of my request; all the way through the entire process from agreeing to assist to the final resolution... if I feel, or sense I am causing burden, inconvenience, or any other similar adjectives... The same pattern as "feeling stupid" begins.
The golden lining to all of this madness: The energy and fire I feel moments after.
In order to prevent me from feeling THOSE emotions, and prevent the other party from having to experience any form of discomfort... I become so focused, so determined to resolve all pending issues before ever having to speak up in a form of a request for assistance again. I become the "independent woman" who would rather remove a tree stump from her yard using a steak knife, before asking someone to borrow a saw. Laughing at my struggles; as I share the creative ways I have resolved my problems (after the fact) doesn't seem that crazy. When in reality; the constant sorting, stacking, and moving of infinite puzzle pieces is preventing me from having any real connections in life.
The need to think out every situation in advance... to be prepared for any possible outcome... and run if the plan doesn't go accordingly... has caused me to become incapable of living in a normal state of life. To build and sustain relationships... that can break through the barriers and insecurities I have created within my mind.
So, how the heck do I stop this madness I have made up in my mind? How do I allow myself to start experiencing life without the fear of feeling something that doesn't feel right?
Just when I began to think I had a stronghold on my personal journey and was making huge strides...
There is so much for me to redo and yet, so much I want to rewind... all while I am continually moving in a forward motion; knowing if I keep focusing on the past hoping for a different ending...
Insanity is all I will find
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