Hello - My Name Is

 

When I first began to dabble in the world of blogging... ten years ago! I had big dreams of being a writer. Sharing my life experiences in a raw form in hopes of helping others. To show that not all days are bright and cheery and not all nights are dark and lonely. 

 I was always seeking happiness and love. To me, they seem to go hand in hand. If I am in love or feeling love... I am beyond happy! Well, for a few days, few weeks, few months... it is always short-lived!    How can that be? I put so much time and energy into showing him how much he means to me! I am leaving love notes, writing poems, sharing my future goals and dreams! I am pouring my insides out to only feel rejection and invisible. I am putting my mental and physical emotions into the palm of his hands. In hopes, he will see something he is unable to let go. To be "the one"

Oh, how great that would be! 

 After a long night of twisted words and emotions; I am reflecting on the changes I need to make in order to truly experience a life worth living... and the answer is simple and yet so complicated!

I need to change ME!

 Yep... That's right... Ms. Accountability in true form. Standing in front of a mirror with a checklist on all the pros and cons of loving me. Let's back that bus up... not even loving me but liking me! What is it that I have or don't have that deems me likable? I know all of this is basic psychology and the premise to most "do it yourself" self-esteem-building books. So why is all of this a groundhog day for me?

For those that didn't catch that reference... it means my life is seemingly stuck on the same scene with the same outcome, no matter how differently I approach the day. I am not stupid, nor am I blind to the amazing qualities I bring to the table. The issue is the five-piece luggage set I have wheeling behind me. I rush to the table proud to show off what makes me "good" and automatically expect someone to grab my luggage and with no questions or doubts and pack it around for me. 

I get that was a lot to keep up within the scheme of painting you a mental picture of my dysfunctional insanity. This just proves that I am fully aware of the cons of liking me. I am afraid something in the darkest corners of my past will jump out into the open and suddenly my honesty and integrity are in question because I didn't fully disclose all the skeletons in my closet by name. 

We all have a past... some more colorful than others, but it's there! It's no surprise and it shouldn't be anything other than a road map for our own personal reference on what to do or not do again. It shouldn't be a menu item listed in bold print as the special of the day! Yet, time and time again... in glowing neon lights... for all to see! 

Yep... I have a past and the special of the day... is no longer going to be in honor of the ghosts of Crystal's past. This includes all variables and versions others have deemed of me. 

I bet at this point you are ready for the plot twist... the "then why should I read this"... what does any of these ramblings have to do with me?!? 

In the many years, I have spent self-reflecting and soul searching. My topic was outside the box. It was a fuffy cloud in the distance, which I was constantly trying to reach. This time it's different... this time it's not about tips for finding happiness, or ways to fake it until you make it. 

This time... it's about me doing what I need to do to find myself! SeekingCrystalRae (makes more sense now, doesn't it?) I have spent the majority of my life defining who I was by the people I was caring for. Being a Wife, mom, daughter, niece, best friend, employee, US citizen... 

As my children grew up into amazing adults, and life situations pushed me further and further away from my family and friends, and let's not forget the termination of my 14 years and 11-month career... What "the fudge biscuits" do I now do with me?!!?

I honestly have no clue how to go through an entire day without the consideration of someone else. The deeper I dig to find myself... the more definitions of myself I find! Each one; requiring a visit down memory lane on the pieces I miss and the parts I wish never were. The mental battle I am fighting as I process all of this... while questioning if I am filing myself away properly and right... is EXHAUSTING!!

 This path to find myself has comedy, suspense, drama, sci-fi, and lots of singing and dancing! 

You just might find something you can relate to or provide a difference in perception that allows you to see and feel the depths this journey has taken me to find myself. I honestly am not even sure if I make it out alive... so, I am just as curious as you are as to how all of this plays out.

What I know today, is that I am tired and fueled by emotions of feeling unimportant and questioning the efforts I put into other people instead of myself. Can I actually go one full day without making a decision or choice based on anything other than "is this what I want or what's best for me?"

"WWCD" or rather what would Crystal not do?

Hello, My Name is Crystal Rae and this is my journey.