It's a blustery day... I have the window open and the air is cool. The kind of cool that feels good and yet requires me to cover up with the comforter on my bed. The rustling of the leaves on the trees makes for great background noise, as I continue on my path of self-reflection. Summer is transitioning into fall and I couldn't be happier. I love fall colors, cooler weather, hoodies, trendy sweaters, and matching boots. Boot socks and darker shades of nail polish to tie my outfits together.
One thing I have always been good at is "my fashion sense". Yes, I said MY fashion sense. I was never one to care what others thought of the outfits and shoes I wore. I like being loud, fashionable, and give off a slightly egotistical vibe that causes others to look. Maybe to think "wow, that girl really has her shit together" or ... "look at that hot mess" Either way; I dig the fact I have my own sense of style and I can pull off a messy bun/hoodie look or curl my hair and trend it up for a confidence booster kind of day. One of my top ten favorite lines: (from the file cabinet of "people that mean the world to me") "Those shoes are so you"... I remember thinking "What the heck is that suppose to mean?!?".
Knowing it was said with love and realness is what makes it such an awesome thing. (LYF)
Me, myself, and I is so critical of me. So quick to revisit the mistakes I have made as core traits or the rationale to justify the behavior of others that I have grown to accept as ok. Years ago, I made myself a promise to do my best to not say things I couldn't take back that were only being said to "win" the argument or put someone down. This slowly transitioned into not speaking up to defend myself or confronting others on the things they were saying about me. Oh, the hours of drama... phone calls and verbal heated arguments from one person to the next. The follow-up calls to tell my side of the story to get those on "my side" even closer to me. Reflecting back on those moments is tiring... not a feel-good and makes me wonder why such negativity fueled me. Such a waste of air; when love and laughter could have been shared. To let them know what they mean. Truly.
There are people I miss. Ones I struggle with why they are no longer in any of the chapters of the current state of my life. It's hard to let go and even harder to convince my brain to file them away in my mental filing cabinet and lock the drawer. I can get lost in these rolling thoughts all day. So consumed by if the choices I have made were in the wrong or right.
So, instead of spending this wonderfully, gloomy day on reasons why I hate my life... I am mentally reviewing the pros of Crystal Rae. Smiling; remembering the memories that added each item to the list.
*Disclaimer: I do not truly hate my life.* It's just an overly dramatic way for me to express myself. I do that a lot. I haven't yet decided if that is something about myself that is a pro or a con. Haha! Baby steps ... This journey isn't going to resolve itself overnight! Right?!?!
I tasked myself with spending a day focusing on WWCND (what would crystal not do) in order to attempt to think only about me. My gosh, that sounds so selfish! Regardless, that is the mindset I need to start having. If I am going to make my dreams a reality... I have to start putting my efforts and energies into that. Me.
I shed tears... like a purge from the depths of darkness. Emotions and painful realities I wish didn't exist in my mind. Moments of "why" and "life isn't fair"! Thoughts that only hold me back and keep me believing I am less than I truly am. A reflection in the mirror; blue eyes smeared with black mascara stains. Not the girl with confidence and her own fashion sense. A girl consumed by each hairline fracture to her heart.
When you start to focus on what it takes to start really living... it all becomes less overwhelming. There are Nouns I wish I could control and Nouns I wish I could have, but we all know the best Nouns end up being unpredicted.
A sense of peace and calmness is what I feel today. Something I need to soak up and enjoy. Feeling frazzled and overthinking isn't a trait I want to continue to define me.
So when the moment feels ok... Embrace it.
Regardless.
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