My journey to find myself, has not been something new for me. I have always been the type of person to seek new ways to learn and grow personally. However, my path seemed to get placed on the back burner as I would put others needs and wants in front of my own. It wasn't until September 18th; after several days and nights of uncontrollably crying... that something inside of me snapped. Not as in go crazy and have another hot mess melt down but a snapped as in a calm and focus that I have never felt before. I suddenly knew exactly (for the most part) what I wanted and needed for my future self and what I was looking for in a life partner. My soul was tired from the endless hours spent trying to please the monsters under my bed, who seemed to never be full of the energy and self esteem they were robbing from me.
That Saturday; I cleaned housed with a new confidence and peaceful presence. I was no longer angry, sad or questioning why things happened they way they did. Things didn't work out as planned... and that was okay. It simply meant that path was not destined for me. What a relief it was to know, with out a doubt, that I no longer had to drudge down that long dirt road. A road that caused me to feel such loneliness and misery. Driving me to the limits of my sanity and almost costing me everything!
Almost!
The common theme my past self sought was happiness. Books, you tube videos, and listening to others inspirational stories on the journey's they took to find their own happiness became an obsession for me. Why was it so easy for others to find the eluded "happiness" and for me... I continually came up empty? I would make my bed in the mornings, walk 3000 plus steps a day, hug one person daily, find a joke or pun for the day... I was following every guideline I could. I knew there had to be something in all these happy, happy books that would pertain to me... what was it that would be the bell ringer for me???
Each educational tool had different ideas and suggestions on ways to improve your attitude and inner peace. The one common statement from each of the various authors was "Happiness is an inside job. You cant find your happiness in others." So, knowing I was the problem. I began picking myself apart. I was afraid I would never truly be happy... Let's be honest... I was not known for being a fan of myself. My biggest critic was that gray matter between my ears. Constantly, reminding myself of all the red choices I have made in my life and the people who I hurt or those that abandoned me. It was going to require some in-depth heart to heart chats with my head to reverse the way I spoke of me to me! It wasn't until I began being kinder to myself and more forgiving that I realized how horribly mean I have been to me. These daily, sometimes, hourly practices of thinking about each word and thought I had about myself soon became second nature. It was becoming easy to like me.
I wanted to experience "happiness". I wanted to feel that deep down joy for life and all the Nouns that surrounded me. I just couldn't grasp how I could ever reach this if it was truly all on me. Then, as I shared before... my life took a flip and not only was I being kinder to myself, but I was surrounding myself with positive people. The problems I was stacking up afraid to face... were now getting addressed as fast as I could resolve them. I no longer wanted to feel ashamed, or less than what I really was worth. The pride and excitement I felt as I shared my accomplishments with my circle... was such a rush of emotions. One might put it in the category of "happy"?!?!
WHAT??? How could that be? How could I be experiencing a form of happiness when it wasn't all about me? The tools, the authors... all agreed, the only way to reach the land of happy, happy... was an inside job. A soul focus meant for only ones self to resolve. I suddenly realized that one common statement that I had focused so much time and energy on... for me... was all wrong! Yes, I agree... my eluded "happiness" would not have begun to form if it wasn't for the steps I was taking to personally improve the way I treated and saw myself. However... and this is a big however! If it wasn't for the Nouns in my life. I wouldn't feel the way I do. I can talk to myself all day with words of praise and kindness. I can keep building myself up and keep pushing to reach higher than I ever dreamed... BUT... if there aren't people in your circle who provide encouragement, compliments, puny humor, conversations on thoughts and ideas outside the box, and reminders on adulting tasks to finish... "happiness" won't be felt fully.
You can't live in a world of positivity if you are surrounded by monsters who's favorite food is your self esteem and upbeat energy. I personally, have experienced this... or maybe I have a new awareness from the constant self reflection. Either way, I have seen and felt the differences in my life based on the circle that I choose to let surround me. The minute I mentally entertain anything associated with monsters from the past... something in my current state takes a turn towards negativity. Once again, a rug gets pulled out from underneath me! If I stay strong and true to myself... The lack of presence in my mind, heart or soul... presents events that feel good. Things happen, beyond my current state of understanding. Things that feel lucky, or out of the norm. The more awareness I have of these four-leaf clover experiences... the easier it has become to completely ignore the monsters. Refusing to allow them any head or heart space maintains positivity and healthy vibes. As well as pumped up confidence and self worth. Which in return, allows for more of my time and energy to be focused on the Nouns in my life that deserve to be invested in by me. The moments that are transpiring from my investments are surprisingly a return of energy and time... willingly, right back into me!
Whew... deep breath! Did you catch all of that?
The shortened version of my above ramblings is... Keep your circle full of positive, encouraging Nouns to fully invest in and in return they will invest in you... Fully and by choice! Choose relationships that fill your bucket... not constantly suck you dry. Fill your life with Nouns that want to see you win. Not those that find joy in seeing you cry!
I have never been so excited for me! The lessons I am learning, the Nouns I am sharing my goals and dreams with. The reflection in the bathroom mirror of one badass woman; with a heart of gold, a smart, witty mind and now sporting a cheesy smile that has developed from within myself... but required a few amazing nouns... to truly find!
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