I have stared at a blank screen for days now. Each attempt at writing out my thoughts and emotions had become a struggle. What I have discovered is I am fueled by moments that have a not-so-good feeling to them. Ease of putting my words into something to process and learn from comes when I am experiencing self-doubt or have a day I feel the need to be harder on myself.
In the past few weeks, my world has shifted. I haven't felt the urge to isolate myself. I don't wake up in the morning with a sense of guilt, shame, or a black cloud of self-loathing thoughts. I have spent quite a bit of time babysitting my littles, rebuilding solid relationships with my children, as well as, developing a new exciting relationship with a blast from my past (Mr. TDAH). All based on healthy boundaries I have established for myself. The moments I am sharing with each of these amazing individuals aren't based on feelings of having to or not wanting to hurt someone by telling them no. The time spent is based on a want to do so. The more time and energy I invest into each of them... the better I feel about myself and who I am.
When I began this journey into self-reflection and digging deep within to reinvent who I was and what type of person I want to be... I didn't really give much merit to who I am in the now and how many great things there are, in the present, about me.
When you start to be fully present in the now; life has a way of opening your eyes to see things on a much deeper level. I am gaining a new perspective on those in my current state of life. Learning to embrace who they are as individuals, parents, spouses, etc. I have gained new respect and admiration for those in my circle. All of this, by ensuring my presence is fully in the present.
By opening my mind and heart; a strong feeling of trust has developed. The feelings of fear and insecurities are no longer a primary driving force throughout my days or nights. Those horrible feelings still try and force themselves into my daily thoughts or decisions but are having less impact and are getting easier to push away. It's the smile on my face as my phone pings to notify me I have a new text message. The phone calls from my mini-me to vent or tell me how proud she is of me. It's the house that has felt dark and filled with sadness that is now warm, inviting, and back to being "Nana's House" that is providing new energy.
The daily tasks of my day-to-day life no longer feel so overwhelming. I don't feel alone on my journey. More importantly, I don't feel bad about who I am or the steps I am taking to get me to where I want and need to be. It's crazy to think about how much time I wasted feeling like I was not worthy of having relationships with those that mattered most to me. Believing I was saving them by not reaching out or sharing my life with them... is such an absurdity. In this thing called life; we need human connections. To have people we can trust, love, comfort, and laugh with. I had no idea how much I was punishing myself and others by isolating.
I need to remind myself continually that life happens. We all make choices that have a cause and effect on ourselves and others. When choices are made... Those that matter most... also, have choices they can make. Putting so much stress and pressure on myself to attempt to control outcomes or the way others see me, was beyond exhausting. Waking up each morning with an energy to be the best version of myself I truly can be; knowing others too can choose how much time they want to invest in me adds a refreshing sense of simplicity.
Not everything has to be about me!
Everyone of us is fighting a battle on some level. By just being the person I am in current state; I add value. The strides I am making on this journey to find myself will be a constant. As long as those strides continue to be in forward movement... I already am winning. Knowing when to focus on these strides and knowing when to set "the all about me" self reflections aside... is the fine line between living in isolation and embracing human connections. The art of giving someone else your presence, your time.
I am happy! Not in the way I had envisioned happiness to be... with a mental image of me running through a field of sunflowers with cheesy 70's love music playing in the background. A happy that is a state of mind. An emotion, regardless, of the moment or situation in front of me, that is there... helping to define the way I react or interact. Something I was forcing myself to feel in the past is now becoming a constant in my current state of mind.
I am beyond grateful for my circle. For the "realness" each of them brings. For the life, I am now really living. Without fear of judgement or feeling untrusting.
I am me.
Who knew how awesome that would be?
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