I have a reputation of being a fighter. Although, I've had a few physical altercations of epic drunken proportions... I'm mainly speaking on how I handle situations and life events. Typically, I am not one to back down from anything or anyone that I deem as in the wrong or someone else has deemed as impossible. My soul becomes energized when I am faced with a challenge. Maybe, it's a little of that "I am woman hear me roar" or "Anything you can do, I can do better" attitude. Whatever it is, it has given me numerous gold stars for surpassing expectations.
As I revisit the list of Pro's and Con's of me. I go back and forth, as to which category this part of me falls under. Don't get me wrong... Knowing I am perceived as a strong, independent warrior doesn't keep me awake at night. It helps to keep pushing myself to the extremes in order to do whatever it takes to accomplish the next big thing! A few of my favorite quotes are "go big or go home" and "there is no trying, you either do or you don't". However, there are moments, when I once again feel like I've been gut punched and I wonder at what point the fight needs to stop.
The emotion that is attached to these fights is exhausting. The hours spent trying to resolve an issue that may have an easier solution but because it's not how I envision it to be... I take the long road. I'm not afraid of putting the steps in necessary to get the job done. I don't mind physical labor or working long hours for my mission impossibles to become another "ta done" on my task list. However, there are certain battles that seem to keep circling back around and I can't help but question why I am once again reaching for my sword.
During this journey, self reflection has become a constant for me. On top of that, I am training my brain to be kind to myself and focus my energy on positivity. Some days, these mental exercises flow naturally and other days; I feel like I'm walking around in a state of numbness. Living in a mode of "fight or flight". This keeps my anxiety pushed to warp speed. Which in return, heightens the feelings of fear.
Fear is not my friend - I despise this four letter word!
After the self awareness of how badly fear was controlling my actions and thoughts. I have done my best to go against any triggers brought on by this horrible f word! Living my life in a fog of fear, isn't living. It's crippling to any forward motion. I fully understand there are times when feeling fear is in the right but when you have lived in a constant state of fear, it's hard to decide in a split second if what I am feeling is valid or another trick of the mind.
The moment I become afraid... For my safety, my mental well being, or a situation I am uncertain how will play out... I want to lace up my shoes and run. To get as far away from it as possible and not look back!
Today, I experienced yet another event that I have no idea how I can possibly win and if I can't what does that mean for future me? I instantly started crying. This journey to find myself has for the most part been a feel good. Providing more good days than bad and has been a huge boost to my self esteem, my attitude, and my presence with all the incredible Nouns in my circle.
I like winning! I like the way it feels and the positivity it brings to my mind. I don't know anyone who enjoys a loss, in any form. Nor, do I know of anyone who thrives in moments of uncertainty. Not knowing what comes next has always been such a negative for me.
I have a need... A need... For knowing!!!
My recent life mantra has been WWCND. To force myself to go against my normal thought process and reactions. To do the opposite. Today, would be no different. The hardest part of this journey is maintaining. To take what I am learning and put it into action. How can I become a better version of myself if I am just talking the talk.
So, instead of lacing up my shoes to run. I forced myself to take a deep breath and walk the walk.
After all, there is only so much I can do in the moment to keep the dark side at bay! When in doubt... Have faith! To have the beliefs of some higher power or energy or whatever it may be... Outside of me.
I believe!
In return, the problem is now beyond me. To have an understanding that what comes next is out if my control. Releasing it (as much as possible) from my mind. To lessen my anxiety and not give fear an invitation back into my current state. The more strides I am making to be the best version of myself I can be... The more life seems to be favoring me in ways that align with my goals and dreams.
Trust me...
Sometimes the problem is less than what it seems!
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