Be Who You Are & Say What You Feel

 Yesterday, I woke with an overwhelming feeling of being a failure. Yes, me... The one blogging about my self reflection, providing words of encouragement and focusing on positivity. 

The tears wouldn't stop as my mind was reeling with negativity and non forward motion thoughts. I felt like I was unable to breathe! I have accomplished so much in the past few weeks and yet here I was once again feeling defeated and being overly critical of me.

The text to my Mr. TDAH simply stated... "I'm an emotional mess today. I feel like such a F up!"

This text kicked off a series of responses with advice pertaining to the thoughts in my current state of mind, not being in the right. To focus on the take aways and recognize what I was to learn by reading in-between the lines. The past was gone and dwelling on any aspect of that was a waste of my energy and time. 

So what was the lesson I needed to focus on in the midst of my blubbering, overly emotional, hot mess melt down? 

I hate to say it, but the answer was simple...

Be Real! 

The past ten years, my favorite saying and motto I ruled my life by was, "I got this"! In order to maintain this attitude and lifestyle; I put on a smile and did everything possible to not need anyone in my life.  

I shed many tears in frustration and my language became very colorful, as I began a new chapter in my life. The recently divorced, single mom of three children, working a full time career. There were so many things I either had no clue how to do or didn't have the strength to do on my own. This wasn't going to stop me or slow me down. I quickly learned to adapt to doing things differently in order to complete the necessary tasks. 

I remember not being able to get the lawn mower to start. No matter what I did... Pull after pull on that stupid string, did nothing other than infuriate me! Each night after dinner I would go through the motions of crying, swearing and pulling over and over until one evening... It started!!!! There are no words to accurately describe what that moment did for me on the inside! My "I got this" mentality thrived on these accomplishments. When I couldn't figure out the weed whacker.. I trimmed the yard using scissors! 

No one was going to tell me I couldn't do this on my own! 

My fierce independence was fueled by pride. I pushed myself to the brink of physical and mental exhaustion with school sports, medical appointments, managing a team of twenty-two team members and still juggling all the responsibilities required as a parent. Missing one of my children's school programs or a weekend testing event of my departments system upgrades wasn't an option. Being highly organized helped but I had to get creative balancing it all and there was no time for joking around or horse play. Every minute of everyday was detailed on a schedule. Everything had to be planned out. 

As the years passed, I had very few people in my life I truly trusted. I felt like I was constantly in a spotlight. So expressing my real, raw emotions, was not an option. It would only be viewed as weakness. Good days or bad... The smile on my face didn't change. Any struggles I was dealing with, were faced alone, in the privacy of my room. When I say I was never going to need anyone... I truly meant that! To this day, having to ask for help makes me an anxious mess.  Having to rely on someone else presents an opportunity to be let down. 

So now, it's back to the drawing board. On this journey, if something feels comfortable then I need to push it to a level of discomfort. If I am having a tough day... I need to express that! Be real! I can't expect to grow and become the best version of me I can be, if I'm hiding behind a smile. 

Personally, this is going to be the biggest challenge for me. 

To stop trying to control what emotions others have about me. Not wanting them to have any feelings in the negative spectrum. To feel bad, sad or sorry for me. I must simply be me, in whatever capacity that may be and let others free will decide how they choose to feel and react.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind" ~Dr. Seuss