My mind seems to be purging endless amounts of clutter built up over the years. The thoughts and feelings associated with choices I made in the past are no longer keeping me a prisoner in my current state. I am ready to take a risk and put myself out there. To focus on the things that align with my passions, my dreams. To stop being afraid!
I know most of this seems like a repeat of words of past blogs, but it's all in a different context, a different tone. As I work through my self-reflections and continue to dedicate myself to all things that push me in a forward motion... I am constantly having to revisit the lessons I have learned and keep my attention on the resolve. It's so easy to write down my plan of action and then when a new situation arises that puts the previous lessons to a test... I find I am quick to revert to my comfortable way of thinking and doing. I know I am growing, just in the fact, I am able to recognize my behavior and the triggers that send me down the path of "who I used to be". Funny to say that, as most of this transformation, is less than a month old. However, by now you should know me enough to know, I do not do things on a small scale. My focus, my drive, my tenacity is best tested at warp speed. If the gray matter between my ears is given any idle time; it creates ways to self-sabotage and overthink the most mundane situations.
Ain't Nobody Got Time For That!
My current focus and drive, are set on completing an updated portfolio of all my different writing styles and examples from my past work history. I am eager to start applying for remote, freelance writing jobs. I want to be able to work from home and get paid to do what I love doing the most. Writing! In order to compile all of my years of work; I had to sort through thousands of google emails, documents, pictures, and personal folders. Yes, I meant thousands! I guess you could say the past several years put me through some insane situations. All documented and saved in my google accounts... of course!
As I began to sort through everything; an email, a court document, a picture from a different time in my life. They caused me to pause. To read the words being directed at me... and my responses! It seriously pulled at my heartstrings. Why did I ever allow anybody to speak to me in that way? Then to add insult to injury... I was begging and pleading for attention or apologizing and asking for forgiveness in regards to accusations that were beyond insane! No person in their right mind would have ever tolerated being treated in such a horrible way! I began to think about the life I used to be a slave to and how different everything is now.
My circle may be small, but it's solid as can be. I no longer have to question my past choices or fall asleep wondering if there is truly something wrong with me. The Nouns in my life are energizing, filled with compliments, and helping my self-confidence to be the strongest it has ever been. My mini-me came by to work on her college studies, while I distracted the littles by painting rocks. My oldest dropped by to grab some daycare kids' shoes and stayed for several minutes to discuss the plans for Saturday. Just six months ago... Today, wouldn't have played out the same way. My Children were on the verge of losing all hope for me. The drama and negatively surrounding me was exhausting!
As sad as it all seems; I also know, everything had to play out the way it did. I had to completely break down in order to start realizing what I would and no longer would tolerate. I had to reach a point of complete devastation in order to put my pieces back together with a new understanding of exactly what I was looking for in a significant other and to forgive myself so I could be present in my children and littles lives with a newly established trust and respect. The once cold and miserable house has become warm. The relationships I now have, are filled with raw emotions. They are freeing and allow me to be present in whatever capacity I am able to be in that moment. The past life of feeling invisible, thinking I was crazy and unlovable... is what was necessary for me to realize the value of being seen and deeply understanding my sexuality, intelligence and love language, in order to be ready on every level for the Man meant for me. For the realness in the closeness to my children and children from other Mothers.
I am finally free from an overwhelming sense of doom and gloom... I am no longer dark and twisty!
I still have struggles... obviously! I am sure I probably always will. I just don't feel like I have to carry them all on my own. I know there are people I can call, no matter what... to vent, to cry, to question everything, and then be able to change the tone to laughter. I no longer have this desire to live in a state of misery. Those feelings, thoughts, and questions that filled my head... were all a direct response based on the environment. The evilness.
At one point in time, I was angry and sad, for the ways I was treated. Now, in the current state... I am so thankful for the path of destruction they pointed out for me. I wouldn't be where I am today. Happy (yes, I said it, HAPPY) Focused, and following my passion for writing without fear of rejection or not being talented enough. I am healing, forgiving, and rebuilding myself from the foundation up. The more time I spend learning and understanding everything that defines my core... the more I crave to keep learning more, and more and more!
"If you truly loved yourself, you could never hurt another" ~Buddha
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